Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

1 31, 1997

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pensacola, FL. Bozo Jimmy Brown scribbled a note demanding money on a piece of paper, walked into a liquor store and handed the note to the cashier. Cashier read the note and handed over all the cash in the drawer. The Bozo headed out the door and was gone, apparently pulling off the heist without a hitch. Only one problem. That piece of scrap paper the bozo had written the holdup note on. On the back of it was a letter written to our bozo by his probation officer complete with the bozo’s name and home address.

1 30, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Andover, MD, where police feel sure they have solved a string of vending machine robberies. Bozo Sam Frabian was arrested and charged with robbing vending machines. He promptly paid his four hundred dollar bail–entirely in quarters.

1 29, 1997

Bozo Criminal Ralph Johnson was sentenced to ninety day in jail for disorderly conduct. Ralph thought of himself as a smart Bozo, though, and felt that no jail cell could hold him. Days passed in jail and every day the Bozo planned his escape. On the 89th day of his 90 day sentence, Ralph put his plan into action–he broke out of jail! He made good his escape-for about five minutes. The Bozo was then re-arrested and sentenced to 18 months.

1 28, 1997

Today’s Bozo crime team comes from Kansas City, MO, where a couple of Bozos got the idea to rob a convenience store. They didn’t have a weapon, just walked up to the cashier and demanded money. They obviously didn’t look too frightening as the attendant just laughed at them and told them to get out. As they were heading out the door, one of the bozos decided he was going to steal something and grabbed a hot dog off the rotisserie near the door and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth. They hadn’t taken more than three steps outside the door when the bozo fell to the ground, choking on the hot dog. The other bozo rushed back into the store and asked the clerk to call 911. She did. Cops helped the bozo cough up the dog before loading them both up and taking them in.

1 27, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, GA. Bozo Bob Hall snatched a woman’s purse in a shopping center parking lot. The woman was able to give a good description to the police and so the police were quickly able to pick up Bob as a suspect. The police explained to the Bozo that they were going to take him back to the shopping center so that they could get a positive ID out of the victim. When they arrived at the scene, the Bozo did exactly as he was told. He stepped from the car, looked at the victim and said, "yeah, that’s her. That’s the woman I robbed."

1 24, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Virginia Beach, VA. Bozo Allen Hansen was due in court to face charges of auto theft. Police detectives watched in amazement when the Bozo pulled up in front of the courthouse driving a beautiful new Volvo with New York license plates. Since the cops knew the Bozo couldn’t afford a new car and wasn’t living in New York, they decided to run a license plate check on the auto. Sure enough, our Bozo had stolen a new car to drive to his court appearance on the auto theft charges.

1 23, 1997

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Suzanne Williams for tipping us off to today’s Bozo. From Fort Worth, Texas comes the story of Bozo criminal Jerald McClothin who is now under arrest and charged with nine burglaries in and around the metroplex. McClothin would kick in the back door of the residence and ransack the home of valuables. At his last robbery, Bozo McClothin left behind a very important piece of evidence… an unpaid traffic ticket with his name and address on it.

1 22, 1997

The Bozo criminal today comes from Saratoga Springs, New York. Police there say that Gary Pruett was in the process of burglarizing an insurance office when he was spotted by a passing patrol man. Bozo Gary fled the scene and the patrol man gave chase. Looking for a place to hide, the Bozo ducked into a nearby restaurant, which turned out to be the worst thing possible for him to do. He found himself surrounded by 150 policemen attending a retirement party.

1 21, 1997

Bozo criminal this morning comes from Valdosta, Georgia, where in recent days they have been experiencing some unseasonably cold weather. Bozo criminal Billy Tyrone Williams escaped from prison there on wednesday. By thursday he was going door to door in the neighborhood asking residents to call the police and come pick him up and return him to jail. The reason–the weather was just too cold and he wanted back in the warmth of his cozy cell. The police were glad to accommodate him.

1 20, 1997

Today’s bozo criminal comes from Ocean City, New Jersey. Bozo Sam Hall broke into a rare coin shop and began rummaging around. Wasn’t too long before he came across a book detailing the values of the various coins and since he didn’t know which ones were worth stealing, he must have decided to sit down and do a little research. Obviously, a book of coin values is pretty boring reading and soon Sam was fast asleep. And that’s how the police found him, happily sawing logs with the book of coin values in his lap.

1 19, 1997

The Bozo for today comes from Sunnyvale, California. Jack Wright was a petty thief who specialized in breaking into homes when the owner was away a work. His modus operendi was to jimmy open the back door using a credit card, and it usually worked. He could get in quickly, grab a few items and get out. This particular day he got in, stole some cash and left in a hurry. He left in such a big hurry that he forgot the Sears card that he used to jimmy the door (his own card) was laying on the floor.

1 18, 1997

Today’s Bozo’s come from the Bozo court docket. These two Bozo’s are already in jail and are causing more trouble for us all by filing frivolous law suits. Bozo number one from Albany, New York is seeking 989 "billion trillion" dollars from the state of New York because prison guards beat up his jacket. The silliness of his lawsuit is topped by another Bozo from New York who is suing the state for ten million dollars because faulty medical care received while in jail caused amnesia that made him leave his work release job and "forget" to return to prison.

1 15, 1997

The Bozo criminal this morning comes from Philadelphia, Mississippi. Bozo criminal Aaron Daniels attempted to break into a restaurant by crawling down a ventilation shaft from the roof of the building. Aaron began wiggling into the vent shaft and got about halfway down before he became lodged therein. Maybe he’d put on a little weight over the holidays, but for whatever reason he was stuck tight. The following morning, the police were called to answer his screams for help, and found the Bozo stuck, very cold and very embarrassed.

1 14, 1997

The Bozo criminal this morning comes from Denver, Colorado. Our Bozo walks into a self serve convenience store/gas station and demands money, which the attendant hands over without a fuss. The Bozo then hurries out the door to his getaway car. As he opens the door to get in, his dog, who had been waiting in the car, jumps out and begins looking for the nearest fireplug. After several attempts to coax the dog back into the car, the bozo speeds away leaving the dog behind. Within moments, the police arrive and find the dog perfectly content to let them scratch his ears and read his dog tag, which contained the name, address and phone number of our soon to be captured bozo criminal.

1 13, 1997

Our bozo criminal this morning comes from the International File. This particular Bozo resides in Tokyo, Japan where the horn of the rhinoceros is quite valuable on the black market. The horn is considered to be an aphrodisiac and a single horn can become a gold mine when ground up to a powder and sold in small packets. Bozo got the idea to break into a museum where there is a stuffed rhino on exhibit, steal the horn and sell it for a load of cash. He got away with it, too! Only one problem…the bozo failed to read the big sign in front of the rhino exhibit… The sign informing everyone that the valuable rhino horn had been replaced by a fake plastic one.