Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Definitely Nothing to Poo-Poo About

Our bozo for today from the International File in Cabot Ward, Bristol, England did nothing illegal but was criminally stupid. To set the scene, Liam Harris had a date set up through his Tinder account with a lovely young girl who claimed to be an “amateur gymnast.” The date went well and our young couple ended up back at his apartment. Things went downhill quickly when the lovely young lady excused herself to use the bathroom. By her own admission she “went for a poo” in the toilet and when it wouldn’t flush, she panicked. That was when she came up with the ultimate bozo solution to the problem. She reached into the toilet, removed the offending turd, wrapped it in toilet paper and threw it out the window. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Due to a “design quirk” in the apartment building, the poo didn’t make it to the ground, instead it was lodged in a narrow gap between his home and a non-opening double glazed window. At this point our damsel in distress revealed her problem to her date. Prince Charming was going to smash the window with a chisel, but his date, being an “amateur gymnast” after all, convinced him to let her try to squeeze into the tight space and retrieve the package. After several attempts and a lot of squirming she worked her way far enough in that she was able to grab it and pass it to him. Now all she had to do was wiggle back out. But, unfortunately, this wasn’t as easy as it sounded. The more she wiggled, the more tightly stuck she became, finally ending up lodged, upside down in the gap. Nothing left to do now but call the fire department. Bristol’s finest arrived and removed her unharmed, breaking the window in the process. No word on whether the date continued or if our young lovers decided to call it a night.

Guess There Weren’t Any Post-It Notes Handy

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Seymour, Connecticut. Things seemed to be going well for our bozo bank robber. He walked into the local bank, handed the teller a note, and walked out with an undisclosed amount of cash. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to try to re-enter the bank, but found the teller had locked the doors. But his return trip did yield a nice picture of him on the security cameras. When the cops arrived, they took a close look at that hold-up note and discovered it was written on the back of a pay stub for an employee of the local McDonalds. Some quick investigation work determined that the stub belonged not to our bozo, but to his girlfriend. When they arrived at her residence, who should they see driving away but our bozo. Oops. He’s busted!

Another Arrest Thanks to Officer Jaws

Bozo criminal for today comes from Surf City, North Carolina, where the cops pulled over bozo Zach Carter for a traffic violation. When the cop asked him about contraband he spotted in the car, our bozo jumped out and ran toward the nearby beach. Much to their surprise, he just kept running and then began to swim out to sea. A police drone was dispatched and our bozo turned out to be quite a good swimmer, after an hour he was almost 4000 feet offshore. And that’s when the cops spotted the shark. The drone footage clearly showed a large shark following our bozo. Ruh-Ro. Emergency crews were dispatched, including a Fire Marine unit. Our bozo was rescued and charged. The shark went away hungry.

Grab the Purse, Leave the Phone

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where out bozo snatched a woman’s purse while she was asleep on the Q train. It didn’t take the plainclothes detail to catch up with our thief, using a modern method. There was also an iPhone in the purse and the cops simply used the “Find My iPhone” app to track him down. His fate was sealed when they caught up with him and saw the woman’s picture on the opening screen of the phone. High tech busted!

This Isn’t Exactly What the “Serve” Part of “Protect and Serve” Is Supposed To Be

No criminal activity here but our story from the International File in Frome, England, is something that all of us who are not so social media savvy can relate to. A British mother was stumped by Facebook after ending up on her son’s account so she sent what she thought was a private message to him asking him how to get out of his Facebook account and return to her Facebook page. Instead of it being a private message, her request for help ended up being posted on the official page for the Somerset police department. The cops took it all in stride and gave her instructions on how to exit Facebook. She was even able to log back onto her account and thank the police for their help. All in a day’s work for the boys in blue!

I’m the Judge, Who Are You?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Canterbury, Kent, England where court was in session and our bozo was brought before the judge. Things went downhill quickly when he called the judge a p**ck. When the judge advised him not to use obscene language in court, our bozo came up with the Bozo Response of the Week. He said to the judge, “Who are you to tell me what to do?”. His response, “I am the judge.” Our bozo was quickly jailed, sentenced with contempt of court. Lock him up!

Call In the Entertainment Police

Our bozo for today didn’t violate any known laws but was sent packing by the cops anyway. From the International File in Aalborg, Denmark, comes the story of an unidentified street performer who set up with his guitar outside a convenience store and began playing “very badly and loudly.” So badly that the cops were called and when they arrived he had just entered into a particularly odious version of “Wonderwall” by Oasis. The officer quickly had heard enough and he sent our bozo performer home with the advice, “Just because you can play ‘Wonderwall’ doesn’t mean you should.”

Put It Right Here…Next To Lady Gaga

We have all been aware of the controversy in recent days over the statues of Confederate heroes that are scattered across the country. Some folks in Louisiana have come up with a solution to the problem that could be the bozo answer to the problem, depending on your taste in music, of course. A petition being circulated in New Orleans with 1300 signatures on it suggests replacing the various Confederate statues with new ones…of Britney Spears. The petition says Spears, who was born in Louisiana, deserves the honor for her music and charity work. The Bozo Report seldom takes a stand on such issues, but wants to go on record as saying that it’s a crime if Britney gets her own statue before Elvis.

After All, It Was a Once In a Lifetime Event

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kissimmee, Florida, where the cops were in pursuit of a suspected car thief. They were surprised when bozo Jose Ramirez pulled into the local Harbor Freight store and walked inside. They were even more surprised when he walked out with a welding helmet with blue flames on it. He then put the helmet on and proceeded to…take a look at the solar eclipse. Well, he didn’t want to miss out…everyone was watching. He didn’t get to finish viewing before he was placed under arrest.

Wonder What Would Have Happened If They’d Played “Dragnet”?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Shippensburg, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a residence after midnight after receiving a report of loud music and a large group of people The officer warned the homeowner to keep the noise down and was preparing to leave when he heard a familiar tune coming from the speakers. And, much to his surprise, the song was blaring even louder than before. The song that caused such a ruckus? The theme from the TV show “Cops”. The officer issued the homeowner a noise violation citation. The police department couldn’t resist posting a press release that said, “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? The police changed the warning to a citation because of you.”

Safe! But Also Out!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, where a police officer keeping an eye on the surveillance cameras in the police department parking lot couldn’t believe what he saw. Our bozo drove around the entrance gates to the lot, into the exit lane, onto the grass and over a sidewalk before successfully parking his car in a space reserved for police vehicles. Not surprisingly, when confronted the the cops, our bozo was found to be drunk. But not too drunk to prevent him from offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer he wanted to park his car “in a safe place.” His car remains safe while he faces charges of reckless driving and DUI.

Freeze! And Drop the, Um Poop!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Montpelier, Vermont, where Matt Jacobs was upset over immigration policies. His main beef was with the Customs and Border Protection cops who he felt weren’t doing enough to arrest people working in the country illegally. When a border patrol agent went to our bozo’s farm to discuss his complaints, he got much more than he bargained for. His car was met by a spray of liquified manure from our bozo’s fertilizer spreader. Fortunately, the windows were up and the car took the brunt of the attack. He’s under arrest, charged with disorderly conduct and assault of a law enforcement agent with fluids.

Freeze! And Drop Your, Um, Hose!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Greenwich Village, New York, where the cops were called to a report of a naked man standing on the roof of a building. When they arrived, they found he was not only naked, but armed with a garden hose, which he squirted at the officers. After about three hours of negotiations, he was persuaded to put down the hose and surrender. He was taken into custody and checked into a hospital for evaluation.

At Least He Didn’t Ask For Change

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux City, Iowa, where bozo Dennis Swain walked into his local bank and made an unusual request. He presented the teller with a “million dollar bill” and asked that it be deposited into his checking account. The teller stalled for time while the cops were called. The police arrived and were questioning him when they heard paper rustling in his pants pocket. When they asked him if he had other million dollar bills, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag of methamphetamine. Oops. He’s busted!

But This Always Worked In Grade School

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bartow, Florida where bozo Marco Parker was arrested on an outstanding warrant, but he finally had landed a good job and he didn’t want his employer to find out. So, he did what any bozo would do. He had his girlfriend write him an excuse. She put a lot of effort into it, too, downloading a Polk Sheriff’s Office letterhead and then composing a letter saying he was on a special mission with the ATF Division of the Polk Sheriff’s Office. So, what was the problem? She should have used spell check. There were so many obvious grammatical errors and misspellings that there was no way the employer was going to believe it was a real letter. Also add in the fact that it was written in all capital letters and the person who “signed” the letter didn’t work for the sheriff’s office. Oops. Our bozo remains in custody. No word on the status of his job.

Out Through the In Door

Bozo criminal for today from Rockville, Maryland, violated Bozo Rule Number 858585: Use the “Exit” door. A man who had forgotten exactly where he parked his car in a multi-story parking garage was surprised to encounter it being driven in the wrong direction by our bozo, who was apparently trying to steal it. Our bozo drove up to an entrance gate but found it blocked by an arm that wouldn’t lift. The man asked him what he was doing and he tried to play it cool by saying the Mercedes was his wife’s car and he wasn’t sure how to drive it, even going as far as pretending to call her on his cell phone. Our bozo then gave up, got out of the car and simply walked away. He was nowhere to be found when the police arrived. The owner said, as far as he could determine, all our bozo got away with was seven dollars and two packs of Marlboros.

Don’t Forget To Flush

Bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0000001: Flush! It seems bozo Andrew Floyd broke into a residence in Thousand Oaks, California and left with some undetermined items. It was what he left behind that got him into trouble. Apparently our bozo felt the call of nature during the burglary and used the home’s bathroom, but didn’t flush before leaving. Yep, cops were able to do a DNA analysis of the fecal matter which turned up a DNA match for our bozo. He’s under arrest on suspicion of burglary.

I Demand a Re-Shoot

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cardiff, South Wales where the cops were looking for our bozo and resorted to a now common tactic, they posted a mug shot of him on Facebook, asking anyone who knew his whereabouts to please contact them. But the response they got was not the one they were expecting. You see, it was not the most flattering of pictures, and our bozo was a bit embarrassed by it. He contacted the police and worked out a deal where he would surrender if they would take down the mug shot. Done deal. Guess he didn’t realize the story would make the news and now his ugly picture has been seen worldwide.

Well, At Least He Was Clean

Bozo criminal comes from Hackensack, New Jersey, where our bozo burglar went a little too far in making himself at home. A 16-year-old, her 21-year-old sister, and her sister’s baby were home when our bozo burst through the front door at 9 am. They quickly called the cops and locked themselves in a bedroom while our bozo went about his business. And in this case his business involved taking off all his clothes, climbing into the shower and then heading to the kitchen to wash dishes. His was finishing off his kitchen chores when the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.