Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

This Was Bear-ly a Crime

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where a roadside vendor had set up shop selling huge teddy bears just ahead of Valentine’s Day. Things were going well until two bozos pulled up, grabbed several of the stuffed bears and crammed them into their waiting getaway SUV. End of story, right? Wrong. They may have been thieves, but they were well aware of traffic laws, as they halted their getaway when a nearby light turned red. And that slowed them just long enough for bystanders to run up to the car, open the door and retrieve the stolen bears. Thinking better of things, our bozos left empty-handed.

Well, If the License Plate Fits…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellevue, Washington, where police responded to a car wash on a report of a road rage incident. Apparently it was a minor rear-end crash between two cars and when the owner of one got out of his car to take pictures, our bozo in the other car pointed a gun at him and made threats. When the cops arrived, he had to be pulled out of his car, punching one of the officers in the face in the process. He then threatened to kill the cop and made disparaging comments about the officer’s race. Bad, bad idea. He was tased and arrested. And what makes this incident notable is our bozo’s vanity license plate: “Dirtbag.” Appropriate.

And I Can’t Figure Out How To Work the Radio, Either

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sartell, Minnesota, where the owner of a Jeep Grand Cherokee was shopping at the local Walmart. As it was cold outside, she hit the remote start button on her key fob to get the car warmed up. And that’s when our bozo sprang into action. He noticed the unattended car running and simply opened the door and drove away. Things were going fine until our bozo reached his destination and turned the car off. When he tried to start it again, he was unable to, since he did not have a key fob. So, he did what any bozo would do. Using information he was able to find inside the vehicle, he called the car’s owner and asked for help getting it started. The owner decided to play along and our bozo gave the owner his location so On Star could find the vehicle and start it remotely. Bad idea.He was still on the phone with the owner when the cops arrived.

Pull Over and Exit the…Um…Basket

Bozo criminals for today come from Yucaipa, California, where the police received several complaints about hot air balloons flying dangerously close to homes. The cops responded and found two balloons that were indeed dangerously low, coming within about five feet of rooftops and skimming the tops of trees. They ordered the pilots to pull over, or in this case, come down. The pilots were warned, and, not knowing exactly what to charge them with, the cops forwarded the information to the FAA for review of any possible violations.

Tiger! Tiger!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in the unfortunately named town of Peterhead, Scotland. The cops received a call from a very nervous farmer who said his cows had been trapped in the barn by a tiger. Yes, a tiger. In Scotland. The farmer even sent pictures of the animal to the cops who confirmed it was indeed a tiger. Officers were dispatched and a call was made to the local animal shelter to make sure a tiger had not been reported missing. Upon arrival, the cops decided the best plan was to keep a safe distance from the critter. For 45 minutes, a standoff occurred. Then, someone noticed that the tiger hadn’t moved. So, the officers crept closer…and closer. Still the tiger didn’t move. And then…they finally figured out it was a stuffed tiger. Oops. The farmer said there was a party going on at the home and one of the guests must have placed the tiger in the barn. No charges were filed.

Maybe He Should Have Just Left the Song “Untitled”

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Providence, Rhode Island, where the cops busted Michael Mayfield on drug trafficking charges. According to reports he delivered fentanyl and heroin to an undercover police officer. Additional drugs were found at his home. All of this would not be newsworthy except for one thing…Our bozo was an aspiring rapper. And his best-known song is a little ditty called “Sell Drugsz”. He may want to change the lyrics to “Doin’ Time.”

Honest, Officer, We Just Picked These Up At Chipotle

Bozo criminals for today come from Los Angeles, California, where the cops pulled over a vehicle for a minor traffic violation. After noticing the driver appeared to be a little nervous, the officer took a look inside the car and saw fourteen, foil wrapped, cylindrical objects. So just what is that the officer asked. Burritos our bozo replied. A quick sample found no beans or beef but instead meth. Yep, fourteen foil wrapped methamphetamine burritos! He’s busted!

Sounds Like a Squeegee Guy Gone Bad

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where a parking lot security camera captured the weirdest attempt at a break-in we’ve seen in a while. Our bozo is seen approaching a big Toyota pickup, armed with a mop. Yes, a mop. He then hits the driver’s side window with the mop in an apparent attempt to break in. He hits it not once, not twice, but a grand total of seventeen times but still the window will not break. So, thinking he needs some extra leverage, our bozo climbs up onto the roof of a stairway near the car with the seeming idea of leaping off the roof onto the car. Not the best idea. Especially when you’re drunk. He gets to the roof, loses his balance and face plants right onto the pavement next to the vehicle. He’s busted. In more ways that one.

You Call That a Bite? Here’s a Bite

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boscawen, New Hampshire, where the cops were called to a trailer to investigate a report of a shooting which had sent a man to the hospital. Three men quickly gave themselves up but one bozo remained inside the trailer, hiding under a pile of clothes. K-9 Officer Veda was sent inside to extract the suspect. She quickly tracked him down but instead of giving up our bozo decided to fight, attempting to put the dog in a headlock and even going so far as biting the officer on the top of the head. Bad, bad idea. Officer Veda bit back and our bozo soon saw the error of his ways and was placed under arrest. His bit caused no harm and Officer Veda returned to duty.

You Mean NO ONE Has a Plunger?

No criminal activity involved here, but this one is just too good to pass up. Our story this morning comes from the International File in Oslo, Norway. A Norwegian Airways flight to Munich hadn’t been in the air long when the pilot reported they would have to return to Oslo to repair a problem. Perhaps something with an engine? Nope. An electrical issue? Nah. A stopped up toilet? Yep. Now this would not ordinarily be worthy of note except for one thing. One board the plane were 85 plumbers on their way to a convention. Wonder what the overtime charge would have been for that repair?

They Got Juiced!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Seville, Spain, where the cops noticed a little Suzuki sedan being driven erratically. When they pulled the car over, they quickly discovered why. The car was packed, and we do mean packed, with oranges. Oranges in the front seat, in the back seat, in the trunk, and in a station wagon and van that was also travelling with them. About 8800 pounds of oranges in total, according to police estimates. And when they were asked where they got all those oranges, they came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told the cops they had just been driving around, picking them up on the ground. Right. That would be, maybe, 26,000 oranges they had picked up. They are under arrest while the cops try to squeeze more information out of them.

Well, If You’re Going To Steal a Vehicle, At Least Steal One That Gets the Job Done

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Moscow, Russia, where our bozo wanted some wine. Really, really wanted some wine. So, he did what any bozo would do. He stole an armored personnel carrier, basically a tank, and crashed it through the window of a store, crushing a small car in the process. He then climbed out, entered through the broken window, and grabbed himself a bottle of wine. Unfortunately for him, there were several witnesses who posted the event on social media. He was quickly apprehended and placed under arrest.

Just Can’t Beat That Home Cookin’

Bozo criminal for today comes from Beaumont, Texas, where officers at the federal prison received a report that inmates were crossing from prison grounds onto private property to smuggle contraband into the lockup. So, they set up surveillance in the area and, sure enough, they witnessed a vehicle slow down and drop a large duffle bag on the private property. Shortly thereafter, bozo inmate Joshua Alexander was seen running from the prison grounds to grab the bag. He was nabbed as he attempted to return to the prison with the contraband. Inside the bag? A large amount of home cooked food, along with some marijuana, brandy, whiskey, chewing tobacco, packaged snacks and fruit. Busted! He’s now been charged with escape and possession of marijuana.

Scratch and Lose

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where our bozo for today was behind the counter. A customer came into the Winn Dixie Liquor store and presented the clerk with a winning scratch off lottery ticket for $600. Our bozo clerk scanned it, told the customer he had only won $5 and then reached into her purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to him. That was her first mistake. Her second mistake was not realizing that the “customer” was an undercover agent from the Lottery Commission. When the officer came back inside to arrest her, the winning ticket was found hidden in her notebook. Busted!

He Just Really, Really Wanted a Big Beefy Burrito

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinley for sending in today’s report from Spring Hill, Florida. The sheriff’s office got a call from the local Bank of America branch reporting a man passed out in the ATM drive-thru lane. The cops arrived, and, after several attempts, were finally able to rouse our bozo. When he awoke, he immediately tried to place an order for a burrito. Yep, he had mistaken the ATM lane for the Taco Bell drive-thru. He’s busted and charged with DUI.

I Thought You Tied Down the Pot!

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Island, Nebraska, where the cops received reports of objects falling out of the back of a pickup truck. Officers quickly caught up with the truck and pulled our bozos over, finding several large bags of marijuana in the bed of the truck and other bags scattered along the highway. Oops. They’re busted and charged with possession of $366,000 of marijuana.

Rule Number One: Place Keys In Pocket

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Taylorsville, Utah. Bozo David Harris walked into the local credit union, claimed to have a gun and demanded cash. Things were going well as he ran out of the bank, carrying the cash in a bag. Then, his troubles began. He got to the getaway car only to discover he had left his keys inside the credit union. He then decided to flee on foot, but the bag got caught on something and ripped open, sending cash flying everywhere. All this activity attracted the attention of bystanders, who were able to tell the cops where our bozo had fled. He was quickly captured and placed under arrest, less much of the cash, which authorities believe may have gone down a storm drain.

Well, A Man’s Gotta Work

Bozo criminal for today come from Cottonwood, Arizona, where bozo Juan Ramirez was wanted on suspicion of taking part in a bank theft. He kept missing appointments with detectives and refused to take their phone calls, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. The thing to do now is lay low, right? Wrong. The thing to do now is to apply for the dispatcher’s job at the local police department. Yep, that’s exactly what he did. During a background check, the warrant came to light. He’s under arrest.

Easiest. ID. Ever.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo Charles Wilson walked into a convenience store, raised his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband, and demanded the clerk hand over several packs of cigarettes. He got his smokes and left. End of story, right? Wrong. There was one thing about this bozo that made him very easy to identify. His clothing? Nope. A visible scar? No. His social security number tattooed on his forehead? Yep. Our bozo had his actual social security number plainly inked on his forehead. And, since he’d been in trouble with the cops before, he was quite easy to track down. He’s busted!

She Put Him On Hold Until the Cops Arrived

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo John Brunson walked into a cell phone store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk refused to open the register and our bozo began to wander around the store, eventually walking into the store’s office. At this point, the quick thinking clerk ushered all the customers outside and locked the door behind them, leaving our bozo trapped inside. The cops were called and our bozo panicked, shooting the lock four times and eventually dropping to his knees, begging to be let out. Didn’t work. He’s charged with aggravated robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.