Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Not Only Is It Illegal, It’s Also Uncomfortable

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Atwood, Ontario, Canada, where the police pulled over a man driving erratically at 2:30 am. It was what they found inside that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He had his two year old child in the car with him and instead of using a child booster seat, the kid was sitting on a 24-pack case of beer. Bad idea. Apparently he had not been into the beer himself as he was only charged with failure to properly secure a child. Police brought him a proper safety seat and notified child protective services.

That’s Quite a Pompadour You Have There, Pal

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain, where customs officials were checking passengers on an inbound flight from Bogota, Columbia. One of the passengers had an unusual hairstyle. A very tall pompadour, sort of like you would have seen on the young Elvis. Upon further inspection, it was found not to be his real hair but a toupee. And this toupee was not to cover a bald spot. It was covering a half-kilo of cocaine that he had glued to his head. Yep, he was trying to hide $34,000 of coke under a wig. Bad idea. He’s busted!

A Whole New Meaning of Getting Gassed

Bozo criminal for today from Atlanta, Georgia, violated Bozo Rule Number 9933023: Never challenge a woman with a gas pump in her her hand. Video footage from the local BP station shows a white Dodge Challenger pull up to one of the pumps. As the woman fills the car up, our bozo is seen sneaking up to the car and jumping into the drivers seat, hoping to make a quick getaway. Not so fast, Buster. The quick thinking woman pulled out the pump and doused our would-be thief with gasoline. Thinking better of the whole thing, our bozo jumped out of the car and jumped back into the same car that had just dropped him off. Fortunately no one in the car was smoking. Police are looking for our bozo.

Those First Time Flyers Are Always a Problem

Our bozo for today from the International File in Istanbul, Turkey may not have done anything criminal but she certainly qualifies as a bozo. Airport security cameras show a woman checking her bags at the Istanbul Airport. But instead of heading to the terminal after dropping off her bags, our bozo climbed onto the moving luggage conveyor belt, thinking it was a shortcut to the plane. Um…not exactly. Security personnel safely extracted her from the belt before she was dumped into the cargo bay. As far as we know, the rest of her trip was uneventful.

If You Want a Job Done, Do It Yourself

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco County, Florida. Here’s the scenario. You’re locked up in the county jail and you have a major beef with another inmate in the same county jail. Major enough that you want to have him offed. So, what do you do? Well, if you’re bozo Charles Wilson you mail a postcard to another inmate in the same facility asking him to kill the other inmate. Bad, bad idea. Jail officials took a look at the postcard before delivering it. Our bozo now has solicitation of murder added to his list of charges, including meth trafficking, grand theft, and violating probation.

Guess You Could Say He Gave Up His Right To Remain Silent

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Liberty, Missouri, where the cops were searching for our bozo, wanted on a warrant for possession of a controlled substance. A K-9 officer had been brought in and, so far, the search had turned up nothing. Then, from the bushes came a sound. A familiar, smelly sound. Yep, our bozo in hiding had farted loudly just as the cops were walking by. Well, sometimes you just can’t help it… They quickly sniffed out his hiding place and our bozo was placed under arrest.

He Just Curled Up Under There To Wait For Santa

Here’s the timeline for our bozo for today from Gresham, Oregon. 1. Grab “Spaghetti” the cat and take him along as you break into a residence. 2. Once inside, make some coffee and eat a cupcake. 3. Check the dryer for anything interesting. Grab a t-shirt and put it on the cat. Grab the wife’s Christmas onesie and try it on yourself. 4. Take cat and enter the crawl space underneath the house to relax. When the homeowner returned and found the place in a mess, the cops were called and our bozo, still wearing the onesie, and his cat were removed from underneath the house. And, by the way, the homeowner’s wife refused the cops offer to return the onesie.

Well, That Doesn’t Exactly Qualify

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where a trooper pulled over a vehicle in the carpool lane because there appeared to be only one person in the car. Upon further inspection, the cop noticed the car was in fact a hearse. And the driver offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Since he was carrying a body, he thought he should qualify for the carpool lane. The officer advised him that to qualify, the second person has to be upright and breathing. Doh! After getting off with a warning, the hearse driver was sent on his way.

Wrong Restaurant, Hamburglar!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Jensen Beach, Florida. Bozo Patrick Barker used a brick to break a window at a Wendy’s, let himself in and then proceeded to fire up the restaurant grill. Security camera footage captured him casually preparing a burger and then sitting down to eat it before going to work on the restaurant safe. He was able to make his getaway but the video footage provided the cops with numerous tips which led to his arrest.

Hope You Enjoyed the Cake, Because You Won’t Get Another One!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita Falls, Texas, where our unidentified bozo entered the Walmart and headed for the bakery department. She picked up a cake and then proceeded to do the rest of her shopping, eating the cake as she went. When it came time to check out, she had eaten half the cake and when the clerk tried to ring up the cake for the full amount, she protested. He point was, since there was only half the cake left, she should only be charged for half a cake. While this line of reasoning may make sense in the Bozo world, it didn’t fly with the cops who were called to quell the disturbance. After much discussion with the police, she agreed to pay full price for the cake and was subsequently banned from the store for theft.

My Mama Always Told Me If You’re Going To Someone’s House, Bring a Gift

Bozo criminal for today comes from King County, Washington, where bozo Michael Warren got into a fight with his roommate. Fearing he would do him bodily harm, he left to cool off. It was what he did after leaving that earned him his Bozo stripes. He headed down to a sheriff’s department substation, smashed the front window, went inside and made himself at home. When deputies arrived, they found our bozo sitting at a table in a back room, with his feet up in a chair and had just finished a cigar. When asked if he had broken in, he casually replied, “Yep.” And then he reached down and pulled out…a box of donuts he had purchased and brought along as a peace offering. Didn’t work. He’s been charged with malicious mischief and trespassing. No word on the fate of the donuts.

But At Least They Left the Bar Smelling Outdoorsy Fresh

Bozo criminals for today from Winona, Minnesota, seemed to have a good plan for pulling off a bar heist. First, dress all in black and cover faces with bandanas and ski masks. Check. Second, conceal your weapon inside a paper bag. Check. Third, wait until near closing time and grab the manager when she went outside for a smoke. Check. Things were going according to plan until one of our bozos dropped a box containing the night’s cash receipts. This emboldened a patron to get in the face of the other bozo, causing him to drop his box of loot. Other customers and employees then joined in, partially removing our bozo’s masks and causing the weapon to drop to the floor. That’s when it was discovered that, instead of being armed with a gun, our bozo was carrying…an air freshener. Thinking better of the whole plan, our bozos fled empty handed. One more thing, they were recognized by employees since they had been drinking in the bar only 15 minutes earlier. Oops. They’re busted!

But It Was Just a Test Drive

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in West Vancouver, Canada. The cops had their radar set up on Highway 1 when our bozo sped by, doing 100 mph in a 55 mph zone. They were able to safely pull him over and that’s when our bozo offered up this explanation. He had just purchased his $265,000 McLaren 10 minutes ago and was just “trying it out.” Sorry, pal, there’s not a trial period where the speed limit is waived. Hope he enjoyed his 10 minutes with the car. It was towed from the scene and impounded for seven days and he was socked with a $368 ticket.

So That’s What Nanu Nanu Means!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Myerstown, Pennsylvania, where state troopers responded to a report of an explosive device at a hotel. The manager of the hotel told the cops he had been having problems with a guest, who had informed him that he had a bomb in his room. After telling him to remove it, the manager observed our bozo placing it outside near a dumpster. And that’s when the bomb squad was called and the device was disposed of without incident. Our bozo then offered up the Excuse of the Week. He told the police that he was simply trying to save the planet. You see, he had encountered aliens and a UFO in 2014, and had stayed in touch. They recently informed him that, “Humans need to start being good people,” or else they were going to destroy the Earth with a nuclear laser beam. And so he had no choice but to create the bomb to get the attention of authorities. Well, he did get their attention. He’s been charged with manufacturing a weapon of mass destruction, causing or risking a catastrophe and reckless endangerment. But at least our planet is safe from the aliens.

What is Art?

Today’s story from Detroit, Michigan is one of those “pick ‘em” reports where it’s up to you to decide who the real bozo is. It seems one Mr. Sheefy McFly, 29, is a well-known graffiti artist who was commissioned by the city to paint a mural on a viaduct on the city’s northeast side. He was hard at work, spray paint can in hand, when the cops rolled by. He tried to explain the situation to the cops, but when he couldn’t produce his city-issued permit for the job, the cops wouldn’t budge. The situation got worse for Mr. McFly when the cops ran his ID and found there was a warrant out for him on an unpaid parking ticket. Before all was said and done, seven police cars were on the scene and our artist was arrested on suspicion of resisting and obstructing and on a warrant for an old parking ticket. He was held for 24 hours before the situation was sorted out and he was released. He is, however, still scheduled to appear in court to take care of the ticket. No word on the status of the mural.

No, I Didn’t Mean “Missiles”, I Meant “Bottle Rockets”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bangor, Maine. According to police, our bozo stole a flatbed truck from American Concrete Industries in Veazie and headed north. Cops tracked the truck down, finding it at our bozo’s residence in Hershey Township, about 45 miles from the Canadian border. What makes this story worthy of mention is our bozo’s Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he stole the truck to “haul missiles up to Canada.” No word on where he was getting the missiles or why Canada needs them. He’s under arrest.

Did They Pick Him Out of a Lineup or What?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York, where bozo Isaiah Taylor is accused of repeatedly pulling the emergency brake in the back of subway cars, causing 747 delays over the past few months. So, how was he caught? Apparently on May 16, in addition to stopping the car, he decided to drop his pants and expose himself to the passengers. In an unusual case of a bozo being foiled by modern technology, one of the passengers whipped out a cell phone and took a picture of his, um, junk. The evidence was provided to the cops who used the photo to make a positive ID of our bozo. Busted! Charged with reckless endangerment, criminal trespass and indecent exposure.

Bozos Always Get Dumber At Closing Time

Bozo criminal for today from Hackettstown, New Jersey, violated Bozo Rule Number 242901: Don’t drunk dial the cops. Apparently bozo Randy Wilson had a little too much to drink at the local bar. After several attempts to calm him down failed, employees of Marley’s Gotham Grill kicked him out the front door and told him he was banned for life. So, what would a bozo do under such circumstances? Call a friend for a ride home? Nope. Start walking and look for another bar? No way. Dial 911 to complain? Yep. Officers arrived and found him drunk, outside of the building yelling and cursing at the staff. When he turned his anger toward the cops, he was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and abuse of 911.

Honestly, I Was Just Looking For a Parking Place!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce who sent in this story from Gresham, Oregon, which proves once again that Bozos should read the daily report to keep from making the same mistakes over and over. Once again we have a bozo fleeing from police. Cops turn on the flashing lights and our bozo whips into the first parking lot he finds. And not just any parking lot…the one belonging to the police station. He sped around the lot and crashed into a parked car. He’s busted! Charged with felony elude, DUI, criminal mischief, reckless endangering, reckless driving, driving while suspended and unlawful delivery of imitation controlled substance. The last charge refers to trying to sell fake drugs, according to police. Whew. A new record for number of charges!

He Probably Should Have Checked On E-Bay First

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sunderland, England, where we have an unusual theft to report. Our bozo approached a police cruiser parked at a rail station, took out his tools, and removed the blue light bar from the top of the cop car. He then tossed it over his shoulder and walked away. Not surprisingly, the whole thing was caught on security cameras. We don’t know what he planned to do with the lights because the photo quickly lead to his identification and arrest.