Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

I Wonder What It Looks Like In Here!

No criminal activity here, but we couldn’t let this one go by without taking note. From Winsted, Minnesota, comes the story of a teenage bozo who shall remain anonymous. Our girl was attending the Winstock Music Festival and really enjoying herself when, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided to stick her head in the oversized exhaust pipe of a diesel pickup truck. And you know the old rule…what goes in doesn’t necessarily have to come out and she quickly became stuck. Yep, she’s sitting on the ground with her head stuck in a tailpipe underneath a big pickup truck. Emergency crews were called and she remained stuck for 45 minutes until firefighters were able to cut off a section of the tailpipe and free her head. Her parents must be so proud.

It Says, “To Protect and Serve”, Not “Protect and Test”

Bozo criminal for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 110298: There is a limit to services provided by local police. Our bozo from Putnam County, Florida, had purchased drugs from his local dealer. However, after smoking the stuff, he became ill. Thinking he had been snookered, he did what any bozo would do. He called the cops to ask if they could test his illegal drugs and see if it contained what it was supposed to contain. Sure, said the cops, just bring it down to the station house. He did. It was real methamphetamine. He’s busted!

Guess This Place Doesn’t Have the 15 Minutes Or It’s Free Guarantee

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Elgin, Ontario, Canada. Police received a 911 call from a pizza restaurant. Maybe a robbery in progress? Nope. Perhaps a diner in distress and choking? Nah. A woman upset because it’s taking too long to prepare her pizza? Yep. The cops explained the proper use of 911 to the woman who, surprisingly, did not appear to have been drinking. No word on whether she ever got her pizza.

Couldn’t He Just Use Aluminum Foil Like Everyone Else?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from western Pennsylvania, where bozo Raymond Jaques was caught stealing American flags from several American Legion halls. Now, this in itself is a particularly upsetting crime, but it was his excuse for the theft that earned him permanent entry in the Bozo Hall of Shame. When confronted by the cops, he told them that his curtain rod broke at home and he needed something to cover his windows. Hopefully, he’ll get a cell with no windows!

Gator Just Doing What Gators Do

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Ocoee, Florida where an arresting officer learned the hard way that you should never count an angry alligator out. Police were called to a Florida neighborhood on a report of a large gator roaming around. The cops found him and, with the help of a gator wrangler, got him all tied up, front and hind legs and snout bound with duct tape. The next step, load him in the back of a pickup and take him out in the swamp and set him free, right? Well, not exactly. The gator wrangler, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to do a little drum solo on his snout. Yep, he treated the critters head like it was a big conga. Well, even a gator can only take so much. As they were loading him into the truck, our gator took careful aim and executed a perfect head butt directly under the chin of his tormenter. Our bozo went flying, and was down for a ten count. The gator, who is now somewhat of a folk hero, was booked and released.

Assault With a, Um, Very Personal Weapon

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Birmingham, Alabama, where the cops were called to a report of a bank robbery in progress. When they arrived, the found our bozo, still at the teller’s window, trying to get $6000 in cash. It was her note and her choice of “weapon” that merited its place in the Bozo Report. Our female bozo had passed a note demanding the cash and promising a sexual favor for the bank manager if he delivered. The note went on to say if he did not deliver, she would accuse him of sexually assaulting her. Well, that’s an interesting approach. She’s under arrest.

Game Over

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grant Pass, Oregon, where bozo Anthony Denton stole a Toyota SUV right in front of sheriff’s deputies who were waiting to have the vehicle towed after an unrelated DUI arrest. He then led cops on a high speed 40-mile chase through several towns. During the chase, he managed to crash through a fence, run over spike stops twice and drive down several roads the wrong way. He then rammed a police cruiser, jumped out of the car, ran into a nearby mobile home and tried to steal another vehicle before finally being taken into custody. His Bozo Excuse of the Week? He was high on LSD and thought he was playing Grand Theft Auto. OK. He’s been charged with recklessly endangering another person, reckless driving, first-degree criminal mischief, attempting to elude an officer in a vehicle, second-degree criminal trespass and unlawful entry into a vehicle.

This Whole Thing Could Have Been Prevented By a Pair of Suspenders

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Chattanooga, Tennessee. Bozo Michael Lester had been sentenced to three days in jail for contempt of court, but the judge decided to show mercy and release him after only one night. It was when he appeared before the judge that his problems began. Apparently his pants were rather droopy and when the judge repeatedly asked him to pull them up, he did just the opposite. He dropped his drawers, turned around and mooned the judge. Bad idea. Back to jail for 10 days this time.

That’s One Breathalyzer We’re Not Going To Check

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Darrell Jones for driving erratically. No way the cop was prepared for what he saw when he walked up to the vehicle. Inside, our bozo was only wearing underwear. OK, maybe that’s not so unusual, but written on the boxer shorts were the words “Breathalyzer” and “Blow here.” When the cop asked if he would take a field sobriety test, our bozo replied that he had gout and couldn’t do it. After failing a blood test, he was charged with DUI.

That Was a Real Hot Shot

Our bozo for today may not have done anything criminal but his bozo status is unquestioned. His kids were coming over to visit and he didn’t want them to have access to his revolver, so he did what any bozo would do…he put it in the oven for safekeeping. Good idea? Not. He failed to tell his girlfriend and when she started preheating the oven for dinner the gun quickly overheated and…Bang! One gunshot quickly followed by several others. Fortunately no one was injured but the oven was declared a total loss. The cops were called and our bozo was advised to buy a gun safe.

I Don’t Have a Trailer…I Thought YOU Were Bringing the Trailer!

Bozo criminals for today come from Lebanon, Maine, where the cops received a report of a 25-foot shed being dragged along the road by a pickup truck. When the officers arrived on the scene, that’s exactly what they found…a large shed that had apparently been removed from a foreclosed property being pulled by a pickup. Did we mention that the shed was not on a trailer and that it was simply being drug along the road? And that most of the road was blocked by the shed? Yep. They were found to be in possession of crystal meth and various prescription drugs that had not been prescribed to them. In addition to the drug charges, they’ve been charged with unauthorized taking or transfer and criminal mischief.

From This Point Forward, There Will Be No More Burrito Fridays

No criminal activity here, but we just couldn’t let this story pass by without taking note. Police were called to a report of trouble at a Mecklenburg County, North Carolina high school. Students were falling ill, complaining of teary eyes and burning throats. In today’s world, you can’t be too cautious, so obviously both police and school officials took the matter very seriously. Police and fire department units arrived and the whole school was evacuated without incident. But, still, there was the question of why the kids were feeling sick, some of them even throwing up. The investigation was underway when a school maintenance man approached, carrying one of the tools of his trade. A plunger. Apparently one of the school’s toilets had become stopped up, allowing sewer gases to enter the building. The pipes were cleared and some students were treated by medics and things got back to normal.

And As Soon As the Tub Is Full, I’m Going To Jump In and Mash ‘Em

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International file in Eastleigh, England, where the cops were called to the local Travelodge after the staff reported the smell of marijuana coming from a room. But what the cops found was much more strange than that. Upon entering, they saw bozo James Long wearing a woman’s bra and filling a bathtub with potatoes. Yes, filling the bathtub with potatoes. They also found large amounts or ecstasy and other drugs. Later, when the judge asked him why he would do such a thing, he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said, “It felt like the right thing to do at the time.” OK. He’s been sent to rehab.

But Look How Many Likes I Got!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which once again proves that bozos and social media don’t mix. From Moses Lake, Washington, comes the story of bozo Kayla Gomez who was a passenger in a car that was pulled over by the cops. The driver was arrested for driving with a suspended license, but the cops had no reason to hold our bozo so she was released. Later, while searching the car, the cops found a purse containing our bozo’s ID, heroin, a pistol, and paperwork for the last time she was released from jail. But, still, there was no way to absolutely prove that the purse belonged to her, so case closed, right? Wrong. Our bozo went straight to her Facebook account and proceed to brag about how she had escaped arrest. The cops saw the post and set up a meeting on social media. And of course she showed up. She’s busted!

Well, I Mean, What DO You Do With a Fake Arm?

Bozo criminals for today come from Grass Valley, California, where the cops pulled over a car for driving erratically. Inside, the officer saw three bozos and, in the back seat, one rather unusual item. A prosthetic arm. Well, that’s not something you see every day, and the officer thought he remembered such an arm as being reported stolen recently. After the arm was identified as the stolen one, our bozos were booked on charges of suspected burglary.

Drop the Eggs and Step Away From the Building

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Idaho Falls, Idaho, where cops were called to a report of a disturbance outside a local coffee shop. When they arrived they found bozo Jacob Carter standing outside, smashing eggs on his head and smearing the mess on the windows of the coffee shop. Witnesses reported that prior to the egg incident, our bozo was seen playing hopscotch in the middle of an intersection, blocking all four lanes of traffic. He was arrested without incident, hosed down, and taken to jail.

We Give Him a Seven For His Dance Skills, But A Zero For His Criminal Skills

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California, where bozo David Hall obtained a set of keys to an office and used them to break in and steal a laptop. The crime would not be worthy of mention except for the fact that video surveillance cameras caught the whole thing, including the impromptu happy dance moves he did after successfully entering the building. Unfortunately, he was a better dancer than thief, as the cops spotted him nearby carrying the stolen laptop. He initially gave them a fake name, which led to further investigation, revealing several outstanding warrants. He’s busted!

The Case of the Purloined Puss

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where the cops were contacted by a homeowner who said someone tried to steal their pussycat off their front porch. Everything was caught on the home’s security cameras…from our bozo stalking the cat on the porch to the kitty making its heroic getaway as the man tried to put it into the waiting getaway vehicle. The story made the local news and someone recognized the kitty thief and reported his name to the cops. Our 17-year-old bozo’s excuse…someone dared him to do it. Must have been a double “cat” dare.

No, Wait, That’s Not Me…It Only LOOKS Like Me!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Royal Palm Beach, Florida, where bozo John Cox was involved in a traffic accident. He told the cops it was not his fault, that he had been cut off by another driver and he could prove it with footage from his dashboard camera. He then agreed to sign a consent form allowing the police to take a look at what was on his camera. Guess he had forgotten all about when he recorded himself burglarizing a jewelry store, taking the bat from his trunk and smashing the store’s window. Oops. He’s been charged with burglary. No word on whether he got off on the traffic incident charge.

That Tree Must Have Insulted His Mama!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Columbus, Georgia. Police were called to the local public library where a man was reported to be punching a tree. Upon arrival, they found bozo Tayvon Harper standing near the tree, with numerous cuts to his hands. EMS crews were called and our bozo was treated and sent on his way. Our freshly bandaged bozo then headed to the nearby Walmart where he walked out with a 55 inch TV without paying. He then made his way to the neighborhood police precinct where he complained to the officers about his bleeding hand and asked for the cops to take him and his TV to his home less than a block away. About that time, the report of the stolen TV was called in from Walmart. Oops. Instead he got a ride to jail.