Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Maybe Next Time, Just Steal a Plain White Van

Bozo criminals for today come from Charlotte, North Carolina, where our unidentified bozos stole a van for the “Unknown Brewing Company”, complete with big logos for the bar painted all over it. This in itself was a bad idea, but we’re sure our bozos didn’t expect what happened next. The brewery posted a picture of the stolen van on social media, along with an offer to throw a “keg party” for anyone who found it. Never underestimate the power of beer. Almost immediately, tips started to “pour” in, with a photo of the vehicle’s whereabouts being posted within 42 minutes. In honor of the van’s theft and return, the brewery is offering up a new beer, “Van Theft Auto”, which it will sell for 25 cents a pint to celebrate.

Or Maybe They Were Just Borrowing It…

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Chester, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a report of a large stone lion stolen from the front porch of a residence. The homeowner had a security camera which provided the police a video of the theft, which they promptly posted online. That must have done the trick, as within hours, the lion was returned, along with a bouquet of flowers and a card. “Sorry, we were supposed to take the lion on the next street over…”

Next Time Maybe Just Call Him On the Phone

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Niagara County, New York, where bozo Sharon Wilson wanted to go visit her boyfriend in jail but had no car. No problem. Call Uber, right? Wrong. Ask a friend for a ride? Nope. Steal a car and drive yourself? Sure. Things were going smoothly as she drove to the jail and parked without incident. It was when she decided to leave that her true bozo tendencies came out. She started driving recklessly around the jail parking lot which got the attention of the sheriffs. She fled the lot with the cops in hot pursuit, leading them on a high speed chase before finally being stopped in the city of Lockport when she hit a police car head-on. She is charged with possession of stolen property, reckless endangerment, fleeing a police officer, trespass, reckless driving and imprudent speed. The good news is she won’t have to drive far to visit her boyfriend next time.

Well, What’s the Point of These Self Driving Cars If You Can’t Use Them?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hillsborough County, Florida, where the cops spotted a man speeding down the highway in his new Cadillac. After being clocked at over 100 MPH, the man slowed down and then did something really strange. The officer observed him slow to around 40 MPH, open the sunroof, climb up and sit on the top of the car. After finally being stopped by the troopers, when asked about sitting on top of the car, he replied, “didn’t know about that.” He later admitted that the car was on cruise control and was basically driving itself. When faced with arrest, he told the sad story of how his wife treated him like a servant and that he would actually rather go to jail than return home to his wife. He got his wish.

Hold On, I’m Getting a Call On My Shoe

Bozo criminal for today comes from McLean, Virginia, where bozo Jennifer Holt picked one of the most secure buildings in America to try to get into. After arriving at the facility in a Lyft, she told security that she was there to talk to a recruiter. When they told her she didn’t have an appointment, she got huffy and demanded to speak to “Agent Penis.” Sorry, that agent is not in today. Officers then accompanied her to the nearest bus stop and when the bus pulled up, she said, “Do you really think I’m going to leave?” She left, but not on a bus. She’s been charged with criminal trespass.

If Only She’d Vacuumed and Made the Beds, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hamden, Ohio, where bozo Cheyenne Ellis broke into a home. But once inside, she did some things the homeowner might pay her for. She sat down on the couch and played with the family dog for awhile before getting up, going to the kitchen and washing the dishes. She then let herself out and proceeded to knock on other doors in the neighborhood. Cops were called and she was found to be under the influence of drugs. She’s under arrest.

Is That a Gator in Your Pants…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Punta Gorda, Florida, where a driver was pulled over at 3:30 in the morning for driving erratically. When the cops noticed our bozo passenger was, um, a little squirmy, they asked if there was anything in the vehicle they needed to know about. And that’s when she reached down into her yoga pants and pulled out…an alligator. Yikes! Further investigation found 41 baby turtles in a backpack. Game wardens were called in and they were busted. No injuries were reported to either the gator or our bozo.

Who Knows What Would Have Happened If Someone Had Said “Hyundai”

It’s an age-old argument that has finally come to the pages of the Bozo Report. From Bedford, Virginia, comes the story of bozo Mark Thompson, who was having dinner with his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s son and the son’s girlfriend when the discussion turned to cars. And which is better, Chevy or Ford. Not sure which side of the argument our bozo comes down on, but the discussion became heated and our bozo pulled a knife. Efforts to calm everyone down didn’t work and our bozo retrieved a gun from inside the house and began threatening everyone. Several of the participants received injuries, none life-threatening, before the police arrived and took our bozo into custody. He’s been charged with felony malicious wounding, use of a firearm in the commission of a felony, and possession of a firearm by a felon following the shooting. No word on whether he was taken to jail in a Ford or Chevy.

You Know, That Red Bull Gets You Really Geeked Up!

Bozo criminal for today from Feasterville, Pennsylvania, likes Red Bull. Really likes Red Bull. It seems bozo Steven Duke grabbed several of the energy drinks and stuffed them into his backpack before walking out of the store without paying. And, of course, sometimes success breeds excess and so our bozo decided to try the same trick a second time a few days later, returning to the same store to get some more Red Bull. Only this time the store employees were on the lookout for him and called the cops. He’s busted!

But, I Thought 911 Was Supposed to Offer Help!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Tonawanda, New York. Apparently bozo Zelda Brown had had enough of her elderly boyfriend. So, she did what any bozo would do. She called 911 and asked the operator what was the best way to kill someone. Not surprisingly, cops were immediately dispatched to her home, where they found her poor boyfriend bloodied after being hit repeatedly with a VCR tape. And our bozo was now swinging around a leaf blower battery, threatening the 76-year-old man with it. She was quickly subdued and charged with endangering the welfare of an elderly person and possession of a weapon.

I Really Like Your Store…I Could Work At a Place Like This!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gillette, Wyoming, where bozo Steve Duncan walked into the Sportsman’s Warehouse store and bought some items with a rewards card but didn’t pay for the sunglasses and ammunition he also walked out with. Guess maybe he thought this place was easy pickin’s as he returned a short time later. This time he shoplifted two more pair of sunglasses. And asked for a job application to fill out. He should have quit while he was ahead. Employees recognized him the second time and the cops were called. No word on the status of his job application.

Sounds Like Another Case For Dr. Phil

Bozo criminal for today comes from Montgomery, Alabama, where bozo Amber Wilson thought her husband was cheating on her. So, they went to counseling, right? Nope. Maybe she just packed up her things and left? Nah? Call the cops to report a burglary. Huh? Yep. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she called the police to report a burglary in progress, only there was no burglar. We’re not sure if she thought the sight of the police would scare her husband into fessing up or what, but her plan backfired. The cops found no robbery suspect, but they did find marijuana and cocaine all around the house, including in her 5-year-old child’s bedroom. Uh-oh. She’s been charged with drug possession and endangerment of a child.

Well, When He Gets Out, He Can Apply For a Job At the Wrecker Service Company

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this gem from Waterboro, Maine. Police were on patrol when they noticed a large pickup towing another vehicle down route 202. After noticing there were no tail lights on either car, the cops pulled our bozo over. And that’s when things got strange. When they asked him if he knew there were no lights on the vehicle he was towing, he responded “What vehicle?”. After he initially denied that he was towing another car, the cops decided to investigate further. Apparently he had backed into the second car in a parking lot and the trailer hitch on his truck had become ensnared in the bumper of the car. He had then pulled away with the car attached, not knowing he was “towing” the car down the road. Fortunately, there was no one in the second vehicle and no one was injured. He was, however, charged with DUI.

Arrest the Stool Pigeon, er, Parrot!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Vila Irma Dulce, Brazil where the cops were executing a raid targeting drug dealers. As they swooped in to a drug den run by a local couple, a lookout alerted their presence, “Mum, the police!”, enabling the dealers to flee. The informant was taken into custody, but further attempts to interrogate him have proved fruitless, as he has maintained his silence. And the reason this has made the Bozo Report? The lookout in question was a parrot, trained for just this task. The bird has been released to a local zoo for rehabilitation.

Maybe If She Was a Better Shoplifter, She Wouldn’t Need a Lookout

Bozo criminals for today come from Phoenix, Arizona, where the Gomez family had a plan. Grandma, her daughter and her grandson would head to the local Walmart and grandson would keep lookout while grandma shoplifted. The family that robs together, stays together, right? Wrong. Apparently grandson got distracted and wasn’t performing his lookout duties to the satisfaction of his mom. So, she grabbed him up, took him outside and began hitting him. This attracted the attention of the cops, and when they asked him what was going on, he spilled the beans. He said his mom was hitting him because he “didn’t watch out for grandma good enough” while she was shoplifting. Oops. They’re busted! The boy is in protective custody.

That First TV Was So Nice, She Wanted Another For the Bedroom

We all have heard that a criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Apparently, it’s true for Bozos, too. From Grand Blanc Township, Michigan, comes the story of Bozo Christina Harris who stole a television from a local store on April 5. Employees had been on the lookout for her, and when she returned and attempted to steal yet another TV, the cops were called. She got away before the police arrived, but surveillance cameras caught her license plate number, which led to a quick arrest.

Maybe the Items He Needed From Lowes Wouldn’t Fit In His Car

Bozo criminal for today comes from Flowood, Mississippi, where a woman took her Ram truck into the local dealership for service. While the truck was supposedly being worked on, the woman happened to notice a truck that looked a lot like hers being driven down a busy street. Maybe they were just taking it for a test drive? Nope. She decided to follow it and was surprised when the driver pulled into Lowe’s, got out and went inside to do some shopping. Yep, one of the dealership employees had decided to “borrow” her truck for a trip to the home center. When he didn’t come back after 20 minutes, the woman took matters into her own hands. She found her spare key in her purse, unlocked the truck and drove away, leaving our bozo stranded with he finally came back out of the store. The general manager of the dealership had no real explanation for why the technician, who has been fired, took the truck out for his shopping trip.

But I Do Have a Shirt Just Like That…

No criminal here, but there’s not denying there’s a bozo involved. The well respected publication MIT Technology Review recently ran an article on millennial “hipsters” and how they all seemed to look alike, with their plaid shirts and beanie caps, even including a picture as an example. And that’s when our bozo millennial sprang into action. He was infuriated that the publication would use a picture of him without his permission, even threatening to sue for slander for implying that he was a slacker. An investigation ensued, and, guess what, the picture was of a professional model, not our bozo. Yep, the guy who was so upset about an article saying all millennials look alike couldn’t even recognize himself. Duh. Case dismissed.

Just a Typical Night at Walmart

Bozo criminals for today come from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at Walmart. Upon arrival, they found bozo Lisa Thompson, her son Benny and their dog Bo. Bozo Lisa had walked in, let Bo off the leash, and began pulling items off a display and putting them in her cart. Meanwhile, Bo was running amok and son Benny was stripping off his clothes and exposing himself to customers. As the cops tried to corral Lisa, she showed off her karate moves and attempted to kick out the rear window of the police car. Bozo Benny, still naked inside the store, hopped on a scooter and tried to run down the officers. After he was taken into custody, Bozo Dog Bo appears with a box of Jiffy Cornbread Muffin Mix in his mouth. All were taken to jail except Bo who was released to the local animal shelter with a stern warning.

Maybe Old Spice Would Have Worked

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanberg, South Carolina, where the cops pulled over bozo Efren Gonzalez for reckless driving. Knowing that he was in big trouble, with an almost empty 12 pack of beer on the floor and another one between his legs on the seat, our bozo took action. He grabbed a can of Axe body spray that he just happened to have in his car and sprayed the product directly into his mouth. Yuck. Even though Axe is supposed to help a man smell his best, it didn’t work with the cops. He still flunked his DUI test and was placed under arrest.