Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

If He Could Have Just Applied a Coat of Turtle Wax

Our bozo today from Marshalltown, Iowa, was faced with a unique problem. He’d just stolen a bright yellow 1966 Ford GT 40 replica sports car. Needless to say, this was a unique vehicle that would attract a lot of attention. So, what to do to it to make it a little less conspicuous? Well, how about painting it? Flat black. With a roller. Didn’t work out as planned. Residents spotted bits of the car’s original yellow paint showing underneath the black and reported it to the cops. Our bozo is under arrest, charged with theft, possession of a controlled substance, drug paraphernalia and numerous traffic offenses.

A Really Good Day of Fishing Turns Bad

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Clarksville, Tennessee. Game wardens were called by a resident who reported two bozos trespassing on his property after fishing at Yellow Creek. The officers found the men to be in possession of 40 bass. The legal limit is five per person, so they were 30 fish over the limit. That in itself isn’t a story. It’s their bozo reaction to getting busted that insured their place in the Bozo Report. When confronted, they mooned the officer and then tipped over a portable toilet. Bad idea. They were placed under arrest on charges of illegal possession of wildlife and not having a life jacket.

Well, the Skies Aren’t That Friendly!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where our unidentified bozo boarded a Spirit Airlines flight bound for Oakland, California. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he removed all his clothes and approached a flight attendant. Not a good idea. Authorities were called and our naked bozo was hauled off the plane and given medical attention. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, including our bozo.

Not So Fast, Casper!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Jinjiang, Fujian province, China, where our bozo burglar was caught on surveillance video peeking his head around the corner in a building he was hoping to rob. Seeing the camera, he thought better and pulled back to revise his plan. About 20 minutes later, the man returned, this time dressed like a ghost, with a white curtain pulled down over his head and covering his body. Good idea, except for that first picture that the camera captured before he became a ghostly apparition. Cops used that picture to track him down and place him under arrest. And to add insult to injury, he didn’t actually manage to steal anything.

This Gives a Whole New Meaning to the Term “Suspicious Vehicle”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wethersfield, New York, where the cops were called to a report of a suspicious vehicle and even they were surprised at what they found. They discovered our bozo driving a car with no windshield, no doors, no license plate and with an ax embedded in the roof. Bozo Jared Parker offered no explanation for the car’s condition and then proceeded to fail a field sobriety test. He’s been charged with driving with ability impaired by drugs, numerous traffic infractions and driving without insurance.

Can I At Least Post the Picture Before You Lock Me Up?

Bozo criminal for today from Alpharetta, Georgia once again proves what we’ve always said, Bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination. Police pulled over our bozo for driving over 100 MPH on GA-400. According to the arresting officer, our bozo was “leaving all other traffic behind.” And his reason for speeding? He was trying to take a Snapchat picture of himself using a new app that prints the speed the user is traveling at the top of the photo. Bad idea. He’s been charged with reckless driving, speeding and using text based communications while driving.

I Get Those Three Letter Named Places Confused

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at the local AT&T store. When they arrived, our bozo had already left, but employees told them he had walked into the store and tried to order some fried chicken, apparently thinking he had walked into KFC. The police found him a few blocks away, stopped in the middle of an intersection, where he offered up the excuse that “his brakes were bad.” After failing a field sobriety test, he was taken into custody.

That Was Some Test Ride

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Bristol, England. Our bozo stole a bicycle and immediately put it up for sale on Facebook. What he wasn’t counting on was that the person he stole it from would spot the Facebook post and put into effect a cunning plan to get it back. She set up a meeting in a public place to take a look at the bike. During the meeting, she asked if she could take it for a test ride and handed him a set of keys and a pack of cigarettes to hold while she slowly pedaled off. After she got a few feet away, she took off pedaling as hard as she could, leaving our bozo holding the keys, which turned out to be to the lock he had cut to steal the bike in the first place. Police now have the name of the thief and are investigating.

I Swear It Wasn’t There a Minute Ago!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from Okaloosa County, Florida. Let’s review some do’s and dont’s for calling 911. An item is stolen from you, call 911. Good idea. You identify the stolen item as cocaine. Bad idea. When asked what you do for a living, you tell the cops you are a drug dealer. Even worse idea. You give the cops your location and when they arrive, they find the supposedly stolen cocaine in the center console of your car. Worst possible idea. He’s busted!

The Ultimate Punishment

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in this update to a story we had a while back. Remember the Kansas man who robbed a bank and then sat down in the lobby, telling the police that he would rather go to jail than be at home with his wife? Well, a judge had handed down his sentence and it sounds like something Judge Judy might have prescribed. Our bozo has been sentenced to six months…of home confinement! Yikes!

Well, That Could Have Made It Difficult to Steer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where the cops were called to a report of a man crashing his car into a parking garage. Upon arrival, the police did not detect the smell of alcohol in the vehicle nor did they find and drugs in the car. Our bozo did offer up the Excuse of the Week for what happened. He told the police that he took five generic Viagra pills when the bottle said to “only take one.” Well, that could do it. Police are waiting for blood test results before making a decision on what to charge him with.

He Shot Himself in the Foot. Really. And Check His Name

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s story from Hudson, Florida, where bozo Robert Trigger walked into a Dollar General Store. He had a 25-caliber handgun tucked into his belt and it came loose as he was walking through the store, falling to the floor and firing a round into his right foot. He left the gun on the floor and limped to the car and was driven to a nearby hospital by friends. End of story, right? Wrong. After the police checked on him, they discovered he had felony arrests dating to 2009. He’s now facing charges of possessing a firearm as a felon. Busted!

Hey, This Ain’t Cookies!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, when bozo Carl Owens was pulled over by the cops for having a license plate that had the license plate obscured. When the driver rolled the window down, the cop could immediately smell marijuana, so he decided to look around. Inside the truck he found something that seemed rather strange. Our bozo had a backpack that contained a stuffed cookie monster doll. And not just any ordinary stuffing, either. The cop noticed it seemed to be unusually heavy, and, looking closer, found a slit in the back of the doll. Inside, two baggies of cocaine. Oops! He’s busted!

Guess He Thought He Might Get Thirsty

So you’re called for jury duty. Bring your summons, check. Bring an ID, check. Bring a beer in a Coca Cola cup, nope! Our bozo for today from Tyler, Texas did just that. He showed up at the courthouse for jury duty at 10 a.m., looking sluggish, slurring his speech and drinking a beer from a cup. Deputies were alerted and he was placed under arrest. But he did get out of jury duty.

Hey, I’m New In Town

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Shenzhen, Guangdong Province, China. Our bozo snatched a cellphone out of a woman’s hand and fled down the street on foot. The woman gave chase as he ran into a gated parking lot, where he quickly found himself cornered. Because this was not just any gated lot. It was the parking lot of the local police station. And the whole thing was caught on security cameras. Our bozo’s excuse…he was new to the area and hadn’t realized he had run into a police parking lot.

Watch Our For That…Door

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where the cops were called to a report of a vehicle break-in. When they arrived, they found our bozo removing items from a parked car. When he spotted the cops, he attempted to flee on his bicycle. Not the best means of escape. The cops pulled their van near our bicycling bozo and one of the cops opened the door. Yep, he ran right into to it and crashed to the ground. After it was determined that he suffered no serious injuries, our bozo was placed under arrest.

But the Video Was Really Cool!

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Charles, Illinois, where the cops pulled over bozo motorcyclist Brian Brown for failure to display a registered license plate and failure to signal at a turn. As the officer was approaching the motorcycle, our bozo sped away and made his escape. But our story doesn’t end there. Apparently our bozo had a helmet cam which recorded the whole thing, including him speeding away, avoiding the cops and a shot of the speedometer which registered 143 miles per hour. And of course he couldn’t keep such an exciting video to himself. He posted it to YouTube and on his personal social media pages. Bad idea. The cops got word of the postings and used the social media info to track him down. Our bozo is now under arrest.

Bad Kitty!

Our bozo criminal for today comes from the four-legged file. A homeowner was perplexed by the sudden rise in his water bill, so he did some investigating. A broken pipe? Nope. Perhaps a faulty lawn sprinkler system? No way. His pet cat repeatedly flushing his toilet while he was alone in the house? Yep. The cat was caught red-pawed on video. He’s been placed on probation and for now the bathroom door is staying closed.

Hey, Those Aren’t My Shorts

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Port St. Lucie, Florida. An officer spotted our bozo driving erratically and pulled him over. The cop noticed a strong smell of marijuana wafting from the vehicle and, upon discovering he had a violation of probation warrant, placed him under arrest. A quick search uncovered a bag of marijuana in our bozo’s “groin area.” And that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he had no idea where the pot came from because he “recently changed” his underpants. After he couldn’t identify the person the shorts actually belonged to, he was placed under arrest.

Much Like an Ostrich, He Thought He Was Invisible If His Head Was Hidden

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Calderdale, England. Our unidentified bozo was wanted by the cops who entered his residence looking for him. He must have known something was up, as he was able to hide himself before the police came into his bedroom. Well, he hid at least part of himself. The cops found him hiding under his bed, with his legs and feet still sticking out. Oops. He’s now under arrest.