Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where the cops were called to a report of a man crashing his car into a parking garage. Upon arrival, the police did not detect the smell of alcohol in the vehicle nor did they find and drugs in the car. Our bozo did offer up the Excuse of the Week for what happened. He told the police that he took five generic Viagra pills when the bottle said to “only take one.” Well, that could do it. Police are waiting for blood test results before making a decision on what to charge him with.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s story from Hudson, Florida, where bozo Robert Trigger walked into a Dollar General Store. He had a 25-caliber handgun tucked into his belt and it came loose as he was walking through the store, falling to the floor and firing a round into his right foot. He left the gun on the floor and limped to the car and was driven to a nearby hospital by friends. End of story, right? Wrong. After the police checked on him, they discovered he had felony arrests dating to 2009. He’s now facing charges of possessing a firearm as a felon. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, when bozo Carl Owens was pulled over by the cops for having a license plate that had the license plate obscured. When the driver rolled the window down, the cop could immediately smell marijuana, so he decided to look around. Inside the truck he found something that seemed rather strange. Our bozo had a backpack that contained a stuffed cookie monster doll. And not just any ordinary stuffing, either. The cop noticed it seemed to be unusually heavy, and, looking closer, found a slit in the back of the doll. Inside, two baggies of cocaine. Oops! He’s busted!
So you’re called for jury duty. Bring your summons, check. Bring an ID, check. Bring a beer in a Coca Cola cup, nope! Our bozo for today from Tyler, Texas did just that. He showed up at the courthouse for jury duty at 10 a.m., looking sluggish, slurring his speech and drinking a beer from a cup. Deputies were alerted and he was placed under arrest. But he did get out of jury duty.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Shenzhen, Guangdong Province, China. Our bozo snatched a cellphone out of a woman’s hand and fled down the street on foot. The woman gave chase as he ran into a gated parking lot, where he quickly found himself cornered. Because this was not just any gated lot. It was the parking lot of the local police station. And the whole thing was caught on security cameras. Our bozo’s excuse…he was new to the area and hadn’t realized he had run into a police parking lot.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where the cops were called to a report of a vehicle break-in. When they arrived, they found our bozo removing items from a parked car. When he spotted the cops, he attempted to flee on his bicycle. Not the best means of escape. The cops pulled their van near our bicycling bozo and one of the cops opened the door. Yep, he ran right into to it and crashed to the ground. After it was determined that he suffered no serious injuries, our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Charles, Illinois, where the cops pulled over bozo motorcyclist Brian Brown for failure to display a registered license plate and failure to signal at a turn. As the officer was approaching the motorcycle, our bozo sped away and made his escape. But our story doesn’t end there. Apparently our bozo had a helmet cam which recorded the whole thing, including him speeding away, avoiding the cops and a shot of the speedometer which registered 143 miles per hour. And of course he couldn’t keep such an exciting video to himself. He posted it to YouTube and on his personal social media pages. Bad idea. The cops got word of the postings and used the social media info to track him down. Our bozo is now under arrest.
Our bozo criminal for today comes from the four-legged file. A homeowner was perplexed by the sudden rise in his water bill, so he did some investigating. A broken pipe? Nope. Perhaps a faulty lawn sprinkler system? No way. His pet cat repeatedly flushing his toilet while he was alone in the house? Yep. The cat was caught red-pawed on video. He’s been placed on probation and for now the bathroom door is staying closed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Port St. Lucie, Florida. An officer spotted our bozo driving erratically and pulled him over. The cop noticed a strong smell of marijuana wafting from the vehicle and, upon discovering he had a violation of probation warrant, placed him under arrest. A quick search uncovered a bag of marijuana in our bozo’s “groin area.” And that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he had no idea where the pot came from because he “recently changed” his underpants. After he couldn’t identify the person the shorts actually belonged to, he was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Calderdale, England. Our unidentified bozo was wanted by the cops who entered his residence looking for him. He must have known something was up, as he was able to hide himself before the police came into his bedroom. Well, he hid at least part of himself. The cops found him hiding under his bed, with his legs and feet still sticking out. Oops. He’s now under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jamesport, Missouri, where the cops were called to a report of a kidnapping. But this was no ordinary case. The victim escaped her captor and told the cops a strange tale. She said her brother had texted her, asking her to meet up. And that’s when he took her against her will, driving her to Illinois. And the reason for this brotherly kidnapping? He didn’t like her fiance and was taking matters into his own hands to prevent the wedding. Didn’t work. The wedding is planned for Saturday and our bozo is charged with first degree kidnapping.
Bozo criminals for today from Fairfield, Connecticut, had what seemed to be a pretty good plan. They went shopping at the local Victoria’s Secret and purchased $780 worth of undies with counterfeit bills. The $100 and $50 bills looked good enough that they were able to leave the store with the merchandise. They then returned later in the day to try to return the items. Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough money left in the register to give them a complete refund. When the clerk handed our bozo $350, using the same counterfeit bills they had used earlier, she blurted out, “These are fake.” Bad idea. The clerk then called the cops. Our bozos left behind the money, their undies, and a nice security camera picture for the cops.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Dakota County, Minnesota, where the cops were preparing to arrest James Lucas on an outstanding controlled substance warrant. “Hold on,” our bozo said, and reached into his pocket. He whipped out a Monopoly “Get Out Of Jail Free” card and handed it to the officer. After the cop quit laughing, he continued with the arrest. And that $200 you just collected isn’t any good, either.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where the Miss Sailfish Regatta Bikini Contest took an ugly turn. After the 11 bikini clad girls left the stage, 24 year-old bozo Kaitlyn Harper got into an argument with another contestant, who also happens to be dating our bozo’s former boyfriend. Things got more heated and bozo Kaitlyn took off her turquoise platform high heel shoe and clobbered the other girl with it, leaving a lump on her head. Police had to be called to separate the two contestants and our bozo, who was on probation at the time, was charged with misdemeanor battery. No word on who won the contest.
It’s another first in the Bozo Criminal Report…a story involving the Queen of England. Our bozo for today from West Yorkshire, England dialed 999, the English 911 equivalent, to report that Queen Elizabeth was not wearing a seatbelt while riding in a car during a public appearance. West Yorkshire police confirmed that she was indeed not wearing a seatbelt but the low-speed appearance was at the Palace of Westminster, not in Yorkshire and therefore out of their jurisdiction. And furthermore, the Queen is immune from prosecution so nothing could be done. Our bozo caller received a stern warning that the 999 line is for emergencies only and not for reporting royal mis-steps.
The Bozo Criminal Report wishes Jack Webb and Johnny Carson were still around to describe this one from Herkimer County, New York. Police made a massive raid on a cockfighting ring over the weekend and confiscated about 200 fighting cocks. The prize roosters were taken to a police owned barn for safekeeping. End of story, right? Wrong. Apparently, these birds are very valuable to the folks who enjoy this disgusting sport. So valuable that a couple of bozos decided to try to break in and steal the chickens. They broke a padlock on the front gate before the cops were alerted. The chickens are still safe. Our bozos are under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina, where bozo Rollin Carson broke into a residence and demanded the family hand over their money. But he didn’t stop there. He then held them at gunpoint and forced them to drive to an ATM. From there, he directed them to a nearby Target, where he had them shop for him, purchasing several items of clothing and gift cards. One of the family members told a Target employee what was going on and the cops were called. They discovered our bozo was also wanted on several other outstanding warrants. He’s jailed under $41 million bond.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Newcastle, England, where bozo Michael Cooper broke into the residence of an 83-year-old woman. Unfortunately for him, the woman was at home at the time and when she heard a noise she came out of her bedroom to find him sitting in her living room. Obviously realizing she was not the kind of woman to challenge, our bozo fled through the back door. The cops were called and they discovered that our bozo’s hasty exit had been caught by security cameras. One of the officers noticed something familiar in the video. Our bozo’s hairline. Yep, he recognized a distinctive bald patch as belonging to a lifelong criminal who had spent most of the last decade in jail. He was tracked down and was arrested even after he offered up the excuse that he was only “looking for his dog.”
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Modesto, California. Police and the fire department were called to the local Walgreens after a report of a fire in the bathroom. It was our bozo’s explanation that landed him in our story. He told the cops that he “had a accident” and was trying to remove his underpants, but couldn’t. So he did what any bozo would do. He took out his lighter and lit his underwear on fire. The drawers went up in flames quickly and our bozo panicked, tossing them into the toilet. The flames were quickly extinguished but smoke filled the store, causing it to be evacuated. This could all have been just a very embarrassing incident except for the fact that our bozo had two outstanding felony warrants. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where police arrested bozo Denise Baker on charges of stealing $93,000 from her employer, the city of Gainesville. The cops haven’t revealed exactly how she stole all the money, but her reason for the the theft landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She apparently used at least some of the money to get herself a butt lift. Guess that’s not covered under Obamacare.