Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But I Do Have a Shirt Just Like That…

No criminal here, but there’s not denying there’s a bozo involved. The well respected publication MIT Technology Review recently ran an article on millennial “hipsters” and how they all seemed to look alike, with their plaid shirts and beanie caps, even including a picture as an example. And that’s when our bozo millennial sprang into action. He was infuriated that the publication would use a picture of him without his permission, even threatening to sue for slander for implying that he was a slacker. An investigation ensued, and, guess what, the picture was of a professional model, not our bozo. Yep, the guy who was so upset about an article saying all millennials look alike couldn’t even recognize himself. Duh. Case dismissed.

Just a Typical Night at Walmart

Bozo criminals for today come from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at Walmart. Upon arrival, they found bozo Lisa Thompson, her son Benny and their dog Bo. Bozo Lisa had walked in, let Bo off the leash, and began pulling items off a display and putting them in her cart. Meanwhile, Bo was running amok and son Benny was stripping off his clothes and exposing himself to customers. As the cops tried to corral Lisa, she showed off her karate moves and attempted to kick out the rear window of the police car. Bozo Benny, still naked inside the store, hopped on a scooter and tried to run down the officers. After he was taken into custody, Bozo Dog Bo appears with a box of Jiffy Cornbread Muffin Mix in his mouth. All were taken to jail except Bo who was released to the local animal shelter with a stern warning.

Maybe Old Spice Would Have Worked

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanberg, South Carolina, where the cops pulled over bozo Efren Gonzalez for reckless driving. Knowing that he was in big trouble, with an almost empty 12 pack of beer on the floor and another one between his legs on the seat, our bozo took action. He grabbed a can of Axe body spray that he just happened to have in his car and sprayed the product directly into his mouth. Yuck. Even though Axe is supposed to help a man smell his best, it didn’t work with the cops. He still flunked his DUI test and was placed under arrest.

If It Meows Like a Cat, It Must Be a Cat. Not

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brookfield, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a body lying under a tree near the tennis courts in a city park. When they took a look at the body, our bozo woke up and began meowing like a cat. When asked what he was doing, our bozo gave the simple explanation that he was a kitty. Noticing a strong smell of alcohol coming from him, cops continued to try to talk to our bozo, asking him if he was going to cooperate. His reply, “I don’t know. Am I going to get arrested.” He then threatened to “Knock you the f*** out” when being checked by a firefighter. That was enough. Puss n boots was taken to jail

OK…Roll ‘er Off…No, Wait!!!

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Munich, Germany. Our bozos thought they had come up with the ultimate plan for stealing cars…take them directly off the automobile carrier on a freight train. They even built a homemade ramp for getting the vehicles off the train car. Sounds like a pretty good idea, huh? Well, they forgot one very important thing: Wait until the train is stopped to try to get the car off. Yep, our bozos tried to remove the car while the train was moving. Cops found the car wedged between two guardrails that ran alongside the train tracks. At this point our bozo thieves are still on the loose.

That Walmart Coffee Just Won’t Do

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crossville, Tennessee, where bozo Sally Simpson went shopping at the local Walmart. Sometime during her visit she got a hankering for a cup of coffee. And, as everyone knows, there’s just no coffee like Waffle House coffee. So she drove her Walmart motorized scooter right out the front door, through the parking lot and onto Highway 127 in the direction of the nearest Waffle House. She never made it. Police were alerted to a report of someone driving a scooter in the slow lane of the highway. She’s under arrest and the scooter is safely home at Walmart.

Well, At Least the Bathroom Was Clean

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington County, Oregon, where police received a report of a burglary in progress at a residence. When they arrived, they found the homeowner to be very upset, saying that there was someone in her bathroom behind a locked door. She reported that she could see shadows moving behind the door. The cops investigated and confirmed a rustling noise coming from the bathroom. Deputies quickly surrounded the home and a K-9 team was called in for backup. After using a loudspeaker to call for the suspect to surrender and receiving no response, deputies entered the home with guns drawn. Asking one last time for the perp go give himself up, the cops burst down the door to find…a robotic vacuum cleaner whirring around on the bathroom floor. Yep, the intruder was a Roomba. No charges were filed.

Next Time Steal Some Bungee Cords, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania where the cops received a report of a suspicious truck in a housing development where there had been numerous thefts recently. On their way to the scene, they received another report, this time of a stove falling from the back of a truck on Route 30. Witnesses said the driver tried unsuccessfully to get the stove back into the truck bed and ended up leaving it behind when he drove away. Using a license plate given them by one of the witnesses, the cops tracked down our stove thief, who gave them a story that he was simply retrieving the stove for a friend. Investigators determined the stove had been taken from a home that was under construction. He’s busted!

Those Pants Must Have Been a Size 60 At Least

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California, where security cameras caught our bozo inspecting the chainsaws in a local hardware store. It was what the cameras caught next that no one was expecting. He picked up a chainsaw and shoved it down his pants. He then pulled his jacket over to help cover it up and walked very carefully out of the store. Witnesses say he climbed into a pickup truck and made his getaway. So far, one man has showed up at the police station just to deny that he was the bozo in question on the video. The investigation is continuing.

They Hoped To Get a “Load” of Cash

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Oaxtepec, Mexico came up with an elaborate plan for robbing a bank. Step 1: Steal a front end loader and drive it to the local bank. Step 2: Using a jackhammer, along with the loader, break down the wall of the bank. Step 3: Chain the safe to the front end loader and drive away. So far, so good. It was the getaway that didn’t work so well. Obviously, this was a noisy operation which prompted calls to police. And, a front end loader isn’t the fastest getaway vehicle. They were pulled over and arrested.

The Naked Gun

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, violated Bozo Rule Number 0003343: When you’re a wanted man, it’s best not to be in public places naked. A Stockholm police officer was taking a break from his regular duties by visiting a relaxing sauna. He was just getting accustomed to the heat and steam when he noticed the guy next to him looked awfully familiar. It took him a minute to focus, but when he did, he recognized our bozo as a drugs offender who had gone on the run after being sentenced to prison. Even though the officer left his weapon outside, he was able to place our bozo under arrest without incident.

But You Don’t Understand…My Boss Gets Really Mad When I’m Late

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where the cops tried to pull bozo Imani Foster over on charges of illegal window tint and a fake vehicle registration. Instead of stopping, our bozo sped up and led the officers on a chase down I-77, crashing into several police cruisers. At one point, the cops surrounded the car, demanding that she exit the vehicle. Instead, she floored it, running into other cars in the process and barely missing an officer. She was finally apprehended when she hit a curb and then crashed into a light pole. Shaken up, but not harmed, she then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She was speeding and refused to stop because she was “on my way to work.” She’s going to be late today. She’s been charged with felonious assault and failure to comply.

He Just Really, Really Didn’t Want to Flip Burgers Today

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dundee, Florida, where bozo Brian Alexander was scheduled to show up for his regular shift at Hardees. Bottom line is, he just really didn’t want to go to work, so he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 to report a fake robbery, saying two gun-carrying men took his necklace, money and his phone before jumping into a car and driving away. Unfortunately, he had no evidence to prove it and the cops quickly determined he was lying. He’s been charged with abuse of the 911 system and giving false information to law enforcement. But at least he didn’t have to go to work!

Up, Up and Away

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 658303: After stealing something, it’s best to keep a low profile. Our bozos somehow stole a hot air balloon in Bloomington, Indiana. And we’re talking one of those flame powered, multi colored, BIG balloons. So, once you’ve stolen a hot air balloon, what do you do with it? You fly it, of course. And that’s what our bozos did, at a festival in Florida. Cops in Florida had been alerted that the balloon in question might be in their jurisdiction and were in attendance at the festival. After a quick investigation proved it was the stolen balloon, it was confiscated and returned to the original owner. No word on what charges, if any, will be filed, or why our bozos stole the balloon.

Anyone Smell a Rat

We are always amazed at the lengths bozos will go to to sneak contraband into prison but our story for today from Guys Marsh prison in Dorset, England tops them all. Guards noticed something strange when making their morning rounds in the prison yard. The bodies of three dead rats near the prison wall. Further inspection found that these rats looked very bloated. And on their stomachs were long stitches. Hmmmm. One of the officers did a quick surgery on the rat and found it had been disemboweled and and stuffed with contraband. They found the three rats to be filled with five mobile phones and chargers, three SIM cards, cigarette papers and a large amount of drugs including cannabis and a synthetic substitute as well as tobacco. At this point no one has ratted on who might be responsible for the contraband filled rodents.

Final Score: Gun 1, Swords 0

Bozo criminals for today come from Birmingham, Alabama, where two bozos burst into the local Family Dollar store wielding swords, demanding money and threatening everyone in the store. It was then that the store manager sprang into action. In a scene right out of the Indiana Jones movies, he came out of his office and confronted our sword swinging bozos with a gun. Fortunately for our bozos, unlike Indiana, he didn’t shoot them on the spot. Thinking better of their plan, the turned tail and ran out the door. Police are hoping video footage leads to their arrest.

Unicorns Are Real, and This One’s Robbing Me!

Today’s bozo from the International File in London, England, violated so many bozo rules we’ve lost count. First, that rule about making your disguise something that doesn’t draw attention to yourself. Fail. Bozo Jacob Rogers donned a full body pink and white unicorn costume before walking into a convenience store, smashing one of the registers with a crowbar and demanding cash from the clerk. He got some cash and fled to a waiting getaway car and that’s where the next bozo rule comes into play. The one about having a skilled getaway driver. Fail. Police spotted a car matching the getaway vehicle’s description and gave chase. That’s when our bozo driver lost control, crashed into a mailbox, careened off a light pole, through some shrubbery before finally encountering a boulder. The big rock caused the car to bounce, pinball-like, across the road, coming to a stop after crashing into a tree. After being hospitalized to treat their injuries, our bozos were charged with armed robbery, robbery, first and second degree assault, theft, and destruction of property

At Least He Was Sober Enough To Dial the Right Number For the Police

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending this one in from the International File in Derbyshire, UK. Bozo number one was involved in a minor fender bender with bozo number two. After getting into a disagreement over who was at fault, bozo number one, suspecting that bozo number two was drunk, called the cops to sort out the situation. Good idea, right? Well, not necessarily. When the police arrived, they administered a breathalyzer test to both bozos and guess what they found? Both were drunk. Right, bozo number one had apparently forgotten he was drunk when he called the cops to complain about bozo number two being drunk. They’re both busted!

No Word If He Had a Welfare Cadillac

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 223844: It’s not a good idea to buy a million dollar house when you’re collecting welfare. From Scotts Valley, California, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who was under investigation for receiving fraudulent welfare payments going back more than ten years. In the course of the investigation, they discovered our welfare recipient had purchased a house valued at $1.1 million. Then, they found evidence he was selling cannabis products online. Uh-oh. A search warrant was issued and inside the home were found 115 marijuana plants, 90 pounds of processed pot for resale, $115,000 in cash, 10 pounds of cannabis resin and 1100 vape pen cartridges containing cannabis resin. Stop those welfare payments stat! He’s busted!

Maybe He Just Needed a Place To Store His, Um, Stuff

Over the years on the Bozo Criminal Report we’ve reported many dumb crimes but today’s defies explanation. From the International File in Devon, England, comes this unusual police report. The theft of a dog poop bin from a busy pedestrian area. Cops say our bozo unscrewed the container, which was clearly labeled “Dog Waste Only.” from its mounting bracket and carried it away. And the bin was in use at the time, so it was most likely full of, uh, poop. At this time, cops have no lead, but are hoping to follow their noses to an arrest.