Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Graham, North Carolina. Our bozo inmates had hatched the perfect plan for breaking out of the Alamance County Detention Center. They would plant an explosive device on the south side of the center to create an escape route. And when you have such a perfect plan, you just have to share it with someone, right? Right. So our bozo wrote a letter to a friend on the outside detailing the plan, including a detailed map of the facility and instructions for making a bomb. Unfortunately, he mailed it to the wrong address. The woman who received the letter opened it, saw what it was, and called the cops. Oops. Busted! He’ll have a little more time behind bars to develop another escape plan.
The advent of the video doorbell has done its part in exposing bozo criminals, as is evidenced by the report today from Houston, Texas. The camera recorded our bozo, riding a bike and carrying a large stick as he approached the front door. The noise he made trying to break in set off an even better burglar alarm than the one on the doorbell, the neighbor’s feisty chihuahua. The video shows him scrambling to get away on his bike with the chihuahua in hot pursuit! Good dog!
It’s going to be tough to track down the actual criminal in today’s report, but the odds are his name may be Vladimir. From Russia comes the story of Boris the Robot, an high-tech marvel who can dance and interact with people. His developers touted him as a great example of Russian technology who would inspire Russian youth to study robotics. Great idea, huh? Well, not exactly. A photo turned up on social media of Boris visiting with young people and a man’s neck was clearly visible underneath the “head” of the suit. Yep, Russian technology was actually an man in a robot suit. Boris and Natasha would be so embarrassed.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coventry, England, where bozo Kierran Brown was given probation for breaking into several homes. As part of his probation, he was required to meet with his probation officer weekly at 10 am. Apparently this schedule interfered with his sleep patterns as he soon just quit showing up. He was brought before the judge and our bozo told him that he just couldn’t get up that early and, truth be told, he’d rather just go to jail. Um…I don’t think you get to sleep in in jail. He’ll find out as he was given his wish.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakeland, Florida, where a man was caught on surveillance video walking around a convenience store. He is then seen grabbing a foot-long sandwich and shoving it down his pants. Fortunately for him, it wasn’t a hot sandwich! He then purchased a Polar Pop and left without paying, riding away on a bicycle. Police are still looking for our well-fed bozo.
Bozo criminal for today comes from (again) the state of Florida, this time from Cape Coral. The cops arrested bozo Travis Hastings after he rear-ended another car. When the cops asked him for his drivers license, he handed them a hotel key card. After refusing a request to take a breathalyzer test, he was loaded into a squad car. It was at this point that he offered up the Bozo Comment of the Week. He said to the officer, “Uber, when we get back to my room, can I go to bed?” There’s not gonna be a pillow top mattress where he’s going. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Saskatoon,Saskatchewan, Canada. The cops there were investigating a series of mailbox break-ins and they posted a picture of the suspect on their Facebook page. They weren’t expecting the response they received from our bozo when he posted, “Catch me if you can pigs.” Challenge accepted. Within three weeks, he was tracked down and arrested. No word if he’s unfriended the police department.
Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Liverpool, England thought they had a good plan. Use some gas canisters to blow the front off an ATM machine. Then, grab the cash and everyone will have a Merry Christmas. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Apparently they didn’t know the explosive power of the gas canisters as residents nearby reported hearing a tremendous blast that completely destroyed the cash machine and damaged nearby buildings. There were also reports of a stunned bozo staggering empty-handed toward his getaway car. The investigation continues.
No criminal activity involved in today’s report from Austin, Texas, but in the spirit of the holidays we have to include this one. An Austin family had just proudly completed their elaborate Christmas display, a tribute to the classic movie “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, when a concerned passerby noticed something. There was a man dangling from the roof in apparent danger. Security camera footage caught the passerby saying, “Oh mister, please hold on” as he attempted to move the ladder that was also part of the display. After being unable to reach the “man”, he dialed 911 to report someone in danger. The cops arrived and confirmed that the “man” was a dummy dressed up to look like Clark Griswold in a scene from the holiday classic. After warning the homeowner that perhaps the scene was a little too realistic, a sign saying “Clark G is part of our Christmas display, please do not call 911″ was added.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakeland, Florida, where our unidentified bozo used a fire extinguisher to break through the wall of a Hyundai dealership. Maybe he was carrying a few post-Thanksgiving pounds as the hole was just barely large enough for him to squeeze through. In fact, it was such a tight squeeze that he lost his pants in the process. And the whole embarrassing process was caught on video. He was, however, able to retrieve his pants and get away with a generator. Both he and his pants remain at large.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lisbon, Portugal. Customs inspectors checking luggage found something unusual in one of our bozo’s cases. Twenty four bottles of Argentinian olive oil. They thought this was a bit suspicious. Why would someone bring olive oil into Portugal, one of the world’s biggest producers of the stuff? Further investigation revealed the reason why. The oil was mixed with cocaine, enough for 33,000 individual doses. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Norman, Oklahoma, where two masked bozos stormed into a T-Mobile store and began threatening employees with a baseball bat. They then ordered the store’s two employees to fill a large trash bag with their most expensive phones, escaping with a bag full of phones valued at nearly $30,000. Nice haul, huh? Well, not really. One of the quick thinking employees had placed a cell phone with a GPS tracker into the bag. The cops were called and our bozos were arrested within minutes.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fairfield, Connecticut, where an officer went to assist our bozo who flagged him down on the side of the road. Our bozo told the officer he needed directions to the highway but before the officer could help him, he noticed the familiar scent of marijuana wafting from inside the car. Bozo then handed the cop a plastic baggie containing a green leafy substance which he admitted was marijuana. After taking a look inside the vehicle and asking the other three bozos to step out, the officer found 23 unopened boxes of Rogaine, a package of Prilosec, three packages of Ducolax and four bottles of Aleve for a total value of $1279.78. Further investigation found that they had just stolen these items from a CVS Pharmacy nearby and were asking for directions to aid in their getaway. Busted!
Our bozos for today come from Deland, Florida, where a 911 operator received a call from a concerned neighbor. She said she could hear a man and woman next door yelling at each other, saying things like, “That is my gun, give it to me” and “Please don’t kill me.” Officers were dispatched and instead of finding a domestic disturbance, they found the couple completely caught up in the video game “Call of Duty.” Oh. Officers cautioned them to keep the noise down and perhaps close the windows when playing the game.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Jensen Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. There they found bozo Brendon Graham who began telling them a story that just didn’t seem to add up. Our disheveled bozo told them that he had “worked for a high government official in China for 30 years.” He then said that someone, probably his former girlfriend, had broken into his house and had placed marijuana, cocaine and a bong inside. After inviting the cops in, he clammed up, saying he would only talk to an FBI agent. As the cops looked around, they found no evidence of a break-in, but they did find more than $100,000 in cash, several unlicensed firearms, marijuana, cocaine and other drug paraphernalia. He’ll have to tell his story to the judge. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where security cameras caught our bozo red-handed…or maybe it was another part of his anatomy that was red. It seems our bozo was trying to syphon gas from a U-Haul truck when something went terribly wrong. Somehow, he managed to catch his pants on fire. Footage shows him running from the scene with his pants ablaze. Cops are checking local hospitals for someone with burns on a rather tender area.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gulfport, Mississippi, where the cops were called to a report of an accident at the County Courthouse. When they arrived, they found that bozo Keith Caldwell had crashed his pickup truck into the front door of the building. So maybe he lost control of his vehicle? Nope. Swerved to miss an animal and crashed? Nah. Purposely drove into the courthouse to let authorities know his drug paraphernalia had been stolen? Yep. He’s been charged with DUI and malicious mischief.
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Milford, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Graham rear-ended another vehicle about 5:15 pm Sunday. The cops found an open bottle of whiskey and what was believed to be marijuana in his car. An open and shut case of a DUI accident, right? Well, yes, but we must also mention that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week for being drunk. He told the cops, “I drank too much because the Jets suck.” His beloved Jets had lost earlier in the day to the Buffalo Bills, 41-10. The officers were sympathetic, but he was arrested anyway.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco county, Florida where a traffic officer couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Fred Flintstone just speeded past him in his famous “footmobile.” It was only after the cop pulled Fred over that it became clear that the “footmobile” was actually a tricked out Smart car that looked just like the Flintstone original. And behind the wheel, our bozo, in a full Fred Flintstone outfit. Even though the whole thing was amusing, speeding is speeding and our bozo was ticketed and released with a notice to appear.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, China. The cops had set up a field sobriety test checkpoint and were stopping all cars and that’s when our bozo panicked. He abandoned his van, hopped over the median, and tried to hail a cab. Failing that, he decided the best thing to do was jump off the overpass. Bad idea. He broke his leg in the process and was taken to the hospital where a sobriety test was administered and his blood alcohol content was found to be zero. So, why did he flee? He explained to the cops that he had been drinking the night before and was worried that the alcohol was still in his system.