Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

He Just Really, Really Needed a Job

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts, where Juan Lopez was on the run from the cops who had tried to question him on an assault and battery charge. He led them on a chase in his Toyota Camry, eventually losing them and ditching the Camry in a shopping center parking lot. It was at that point, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, that he walked into an Osprey Wireless store and asked if they were hiring. They were, and the manager took him into his office for an interview. It went well enough that the manager asked our bozo to fill out an application, which he was working on when the cops spotted the Camry in the parking lot. Next thing you know, there are cops and a K-9 officer checking out the area. The manager steps outside to see what is going on and when the cops explain what is going on, he tells them he has the guy they’re looking for inside. And there he was, still working on the application. Busted!

Must Have Been One Strong Roof!

Bozo criminals for today come from Jacksonville, Florida, where authorities are dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Irma. And one of the obvious problems is with looting, but this sets a new standard of bozo-ness. The cops were called by a concerned citizen who spotted our bozos driving down a city street with a metal utility pole precariously balanced on the roof of their SUV. Police speculate the pole was felled by Irma and our bozos were hoping to abscond with it to sell the metal for scrap. When questioned, our bozos said they were simply moving the pole to a safer location since they found it near the road. That didn’t fly. They’re under arrest.

No, You Don’t Get Time Off For Honesty

Our story for today, contributed by Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney, proves once again that honesty is not the best policy, especially if you’re a bozo. Cops in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, spotted bozo Rachel Tucker driving at a high rate of speed on a city street. When they pulled her over, she made it simple for them. When they asked her to take a field sobriety test, she replied, “I’m drunk.” And you’re busted!

Sure Hope the Safety Was On

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bloomington, Illinois, where bozo Anita Harris and a male companion were pulled over by the cops for speeding on I-55. A search of the car turned up heroin and Ecstasy. There was another bit of contraband that our bozo was able to conceal before the cops began her search, a .380 caliber handgun, weighing 13.4 ounces and with a barrel 5.6 inches long. Now, where would you hide such a weapon? In the glovebox? Nope. In your purse? Nah. Inside your, um, lady parts? Yep. A strip search at the jail turned up the weapon, which was very carefully removed. She’s under arrest, charged with narcotics possession and felony weapons possession.

A Hot Time In the Hot Tub

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mission Valley, California, where a bunch of cops were in town for a two-week specialized narcotics training course. After a busy day of training, three of the cops were relaxing in the hot tub at the Courtyard by Marriott where they were staying. That’s when bozo Andrew Harper walked up and struck up a conversation. He asked them the reason for their stay and one of the cops jokingly said that their crack lab had blown up. Our bozo then excitedly replied that he was in the drug business, too. One thing led to another and a sting was set up to purchase some cocaine and LSD from our bozo. He delivered. He’s busted!

Next Time Stick With the White Keds

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where our bozo seemed to have a good thing going, but she messed up and violated Bozo Rule Number 00464623: It’s usually a good idea to wear clothing that doesn’t call attention to yourself. Bozo Sheotia Lane covered her face with a burka style towel and walked into a bank and demanded cash. She got her money and exited. Employees told the cops about the towel and also that she was wearing a very bright pair of red and purple “retro style” Air Jordan shoes. Five days later, same outfit, different bank, again a successful robbery. Four days later, same outfit, different bank, again success. She should have quit while she was ahead as banks were now alerted to be on the lookout for those shoes. When she entered another bank four days later and asked the teller for a deposit slip, the teller was suspicious. She escorted her toward the entrance and then locked her out of the bank. And of course, since she was truly a bozo, she was still hanging around outside the bank when the cops arrived and immediately noticed a woman wearing “bright colored shoes.” They found a robbery note inside the bag and the burka style towels she had used in previous robberies. She’s busted!

I Forgot About Marmaduke…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Sonoma County, California, where the cops received a call from concerned citizen who reported an intruder inside his house. When they arrived they found a very upset 18-year old who said his dogs had started barking loudly and, fearing someone was inside, he gathered them up and took refuge downstairs. Guns drawn, the officers began to search the house, while a couple of other cops searched outside. Suddenly, one of the outside officers heard a sound…kind of a scratching noise. He shined his flashlight in the direction of the sound, expecting to find a burglar. Instead, he saw two ears sticking out of an upstairs skylight. Then a snout appeared and finally the head of a large dog. One of the owner’s dogs who had climbed up to an upstairs bedroom and was enjoying the view from the open skylight. Guess the owner didn’t take a full inventory of all his dogs before he called the cops. No charges were filed.

Definitely Nothing to Poo-Poo About

Our bozo for today from the International File in Cabot Ward, Bristol, England did nothing illegal but was criminally stupid. To set the scene, Liam Harris had a date set up through his Tinder account with a lovely young girl who claimed to be an “amateur gymnast.” The date went well and our young couple ended up back at his apartment. Things went downhill quickly when the lovely young lady excused herself to use the bathroom. By her own admission she “went for a poo” in the toilet and when it wouldn’t flush, she panicked. That was when she came up with the ultimate bozo solution to the problem. She reached into the toilet, removed the offending turd, wrapped it in toilet paper and threw it out the window. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Due to a “design quirk” in the apartment building, the poo didn’t make it to the ground, instead it was lodged in a narrow gap between his home and a non-opening double glazed window. At this point our damsel in distress revealed her problem to her date. Prince Charming was going to smash the window with a chisel, but his date, being an “amateur gymnast” after all, convinced him to let her try to squeeze into the tight space and retrieve the package. After several attempts and a lot of squirming she worked her way far enough in that she was able to grab it and pass it to him. Now all she had to do was wiggle back out. But, unfortunately, this wasn’t as easy as it sounded. The more she wiggled, the more tightly stuck she became, finally ending up lodged, upside down in the gap. Nothing left to do now but call the fire department. Bristol’s finest arrived and removed her unharmed, breaking the window in the process. No word on whether the date continued or if our young lovers decided to call it a night.

Guess There Weren’t Any Post-It Notes Handy

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Seymour, Connecticut. Things seemed to be going well for our bozo bank robber. He walked into the local bank, handed the teller a note, and walked out with an undisclosed amount of cash. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to try to re-enter the bank, but found the teller had locked the doors. But his return trip did yield a nice picture of him on the security cameras. When the cops arrived, they took a close look at that hold-up note and discovered it was written on the back of a pay stub for an employee of the local McDonalds. Some quick investigation work determined that the stub belonged not to our bozo, but to his girlfriend. When they arrived at her residence, who should they see driving away but our bozo. Oops. He’s busted!

Another Arrest Thanks to Officer Jaws

Bozo criminal for today comes from Surf City, North Carolina, where the cops pulled over bozo Zach Carter for a traffic violation. When the cop asked him about contraband he spotted in the car, our bozo jumped out and ran toward the nearby beach. Much to their surprise, he just kept running and then began to swim out to sea. A police drone was dispatched and our bozo turned out to be quite a good swimmer, after an hour he was almost 4000 feet offshore. And that’s when the cops spotted the shark. The drone footage clearly showed a large shark following our bozo. Ruh-Ro. Emergency crews were dispatched, including a Fire Marine unit. Our bozo was rescued and charged. The shark went away hungry.

Grab the Purse, Leave the Phone

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where out bozo snatched a woman’s purse while she was asleep on the Q train. It didn’t take the plainclothes detail to catch up with our thief, using a modern method. There was also an iPhone in the purse and the cops simply used the “Find My iPhone” app to track him down. His fate was sealed when they caught up with him and saw the woman’s picture on the opening screen of the phone. High tech busted!

This Isn’t Exactly What the “Serve” Part of “Protect and Serve” Is Supposed To Be

No criminal activity here but our story from the International File in Frome, England, is something that all of us who are not so social media savvy can relate to. A British mother was stumped by Facebook after ending up on her son’s account so she sent what she thought was a private message to him asking him how to get out of his Facebook account and return to her Facebook page. Instead of it being a private message, her request for help ended up being posted on the official page for the Somerset police department. The cops took it all in stride and gave her instructions on how to exit Facebook. She was even able to log back onto her account and thank the police for their help. All in a day’s work for the boys in blue!

I’m the Judge, Who Are You?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Canterbury, Kent, England where court was in session and our bozo was brought before the judge. Things went downhill quickly when he called the judge a p**ck. When the judge advised him not to use obscene language in court, our bozo came up with the Bozo Response of the Week. He said to the judge, “Who are you to tell me what to do?”. His response, “I am the judge.” Our bozo was quickly jailed, sentenced with contempt of court. Lock him up!

Call In the Entertainment Police

Our bozo for today didn’t violate any known laws but was sent packing by the cops anyway. From the International File in Aalborg, Denmark, comes the story of an unidentified street performer who set up with his guitar outside a convenience store and began playing “very badly and loudly.” So badly that the cops were called and when they arrived he had just entered into a particularly odious version of “Wonderwall” by Oasis. The officer quickly had heard enough and he sent our bozo performer home with the advice, “Just because you can play ‘Wonderwall’ doesn’t mean you should.”

Put It Right Here…Next To Lady Gaga

We have all been aware of the controversy in recent days over the statues of Confederate heroes that are scattered across the country. Some folks in Louisiana have come up with a solution to the problem that could be the bozo answer to the problem, depending on your taste in music, of course. A petition being circulated in New Orleans with 1300 signatures on it suggests replacing the various Confederate statues with new ones…of Britney Spears. The petition says Spears, who was born in Louisiana, deserves the honor for her music and charity work. The Bozo Report seldom takes a stand on such issues, but wants to go on record as saying that it’s a crime if Britney gets her own statue before Elvis.

After All, It Was a Once In a Lifetime Event

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kissimmee, Florida, where the cops were in pursuit of a suspected car thief. They were surprised when bozo Jose Ramirez pulled into the local Harbor Freight store and walked inside. They were even more surprised when he walked out with a welding helmet with blue flames on it. He then put the helmet on and proceeded to…take a look at the solar eclipse. Well, he didn’t want to miss out…everyone was watching. He didn’t get to finish viewing before he was placed under arrest.

Wonder What Would Have Happened If They’d Played “Dragnet”?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Shippensburg, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a residence after midnight after receiving a report of loud music and a large group of people The officer warned the homeowner to keep the noise down and was preparing to leave when he heard a familiar tune coming from the speakers. And, much to his surprise, the song was blaring even louder than before. The song that caused such a ruckus? The theme from the TV show “Cops”. The officer issued the homeowner a noise violation citation. The police department couldn’t resist posting a press release that said, “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? The police changed the warning to a citation because of you.”

Safe! But Also Out!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, where a police officer keeping an eye on the surveillance cameras in the police department parking lot couldn’t believe what he saw. Our bozo drove around the entrance gates to the lot, into the exit lane, onto the grass and over a sidewalk before successfully parking his car in a space reserved for police vehicles. Not surprisingly, when confronted the the cops, our bozo was found to be drunk. But not too drunk to prevent him from offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer he wanted to park his car “in a safe place.” His car remains safe while he faces charges of reckless driving and DUI.

Freeze! And Drop the, Um Poop!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Montpelier, Vermont, where Matt Jacobs was upset over immigration policies. His main beef was with the Customs and Border Protection cops who he felt weren’t doing enough to arrest people working in the country illegally. When a border patrol agent went to our bozo’s farm to discuss his complaints, he got much more than he bargained for. His car was met by a spray of liquified manure from our bozo’s fertilizer spreader. Fortunately, the windows were up and the car took the brunt of the attack. He’s under arrest, charged with disorderly conduct and assault of a law enforcement agent with fluids.