Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

The First Clue Was the Weight Gain

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence Township, Ohio, where the cops were called to the Giant Eagle grocery store with a report of a rather unusual theft. The store’s loss prevention manager received a tip about theft in the cold-cuts department of the deli. Further investigation revealed that an employee had a serious ham and salami addiction. It seems the deli worker had been eating up the store’s profits, to the tune of $9200 worth of stolen deli meat over the last eight years. At a cost of $10 per pound, that’s over 900 pounds of meat, or a third of a pound of meat every single day for eight years. Burp. Police are still trying to decide how to proceed in prosecuting the case.

And Although the Holes Were Rather Small, He Had To Swerve To Miss Them All

Bozo criminal for today comes from Attica Township, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a man driving erratically. Upon arrival, they noted him swerving all over the road and when he was pulled over he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was merely swerving to avoid potholes in the road. After observing that there weren’t that many holes in the road, the officers administered a sobriety test and our bozo was found to be driving under the influence of drugs and a baggie containing opioids was found in his possession. He’s busted!

You’ve Heard of Dress For Success, This Is Dress For Arrest

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wareham, Massachusetts, where the cops were called to a report of a shoplifting at the local Walmart. Upon arrival the cops found our two unidentified bozos. Female bozo number one admitted stealing some items and showed them to to officer stuffed inside her purse. Her male companion also had stolen some things which were stuffed in his pants. It was their excuse for the theft that landed them in the Bozo Hall of Shame. They told the police they needed some nice things to wear for an upcoming court appearance. Well. Guess they’ll just have to look sloppy.

We’ve Got a Future Cop Right Here

Bozo criminals for today come from New Scotland, New York, where the cops pulled over a bozo and his female companion for driving erratically. The driver was asked to step out of the vehicle while another officer took a look at a three-year-old girl who was improperly restrained in the back seat. It was at this point that the toddler reached under the front seat, pulled out a baggie, opened it and handed it to the officer. Inside the baggie, marijuana, a pipe and a grinder. Oops. Our two bozos were busted and the child taken into protective custody.

Well, Maybe It Was the Jagermeister

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Birmingham, England, violated Bozo Rule Number @121256: Limit yourself to drinking ONE case of beer before pulling off a burglary. Our bozo, who had recently been released from prison, told the cops he was “bored” when he drank 24 bottles of Budweiser and a bottle of Jagermeister. He then staggered out with the intent of pulling off a heist. He rode his bike to a residence where he stole a flat screen TV. Police were called and followed our wobbly bozo for a mile as he made a couple of U-turns before finally crashing into a police car. He’s busted and charged with burglary and DUI.

Wail Until They Find Out They Can’t Smoke It

Bozo criminals for today from San Diego, California, stole some grass. No, not marijuana. Grass. A contractor dropped off a 650 pound spool of turf at a residence with plans to come back later and use it to landscape the lawn. But our bozos had other ideas. Security cameras caught them trying to stuff the 16 feet of turf into a trunk 2 feet deep. The video shows them driving off with most of the grass dragging on the ground. They left a trail of turf behind them as they exited the neighborhood. Police expect to make an arrest soon.

And I Was Afraid Next It Would Be a Noogie

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Lucie County, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, a woman there told the cops that she had returned home to find her boyfriend, our bozo, drunk and belligerent. During a confrontation, our bozo gave the woman a “wet willie” by sticking his finger in her ear. Thinking this kind of behavior needed to be nipped in the bud, the cops placed our bozo under arrest, charged with battery.

When Nose Hair Trimmers Are Banned, Only Criminals Will Have Nose Hair Trimmers

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Tokyo, Japan. It was the early morning hours when our bozo walked into a Family Mart convenience store, reached into his pocket, pulled out his weapon and demanded the clerk empty the register. The clerk, taken aback, took a look at the weapon he was being threatened with, and decided to ignore the request, instead running into the back of the store. In the meantime, an officer on patrol nearby was alerted to the situation and our bozo was taken into custody without further custody. Oh, did we fail to mention his choice of weapon? A pair round tip nose hair trimmers. Our no doubt well groomed bozo is under arrest.

This Whole Thing Smells

Bozo criminal for today from Hawick, Minnesota violated Bozo Rule Number 223332: Always have a clear getaway path planned. It seems our bozo stole some lumber and other items from a farmer’s shed and loaded them into his pickup. He then planned a quick getaway. Guess he didn’t see that large manure pile straight ahead. The farmer noticed the theft the next morning and called the cops, informing them that the thief was still on the property. When police arrived, they found our bozo covered head to toe in manure, still trying to free his truck without much success. He offered up the Bozo Excuse that a “friend” had bought the lumber and he was helping him. Sorry, that story won’t fly. He was hosed off and arrested.

Try That Keto Diet…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where a homeowner checking his security camera around 11:30 pm spotted a suspicious man on the property. For whatever reason, he didn’t notify the cops but instead decided to take a look around the next morning. And that’s when he spotted our bozo, wedged between a wall and the home’s garage. When it became obvious he wasn’t going anywhere, the cops and the fire department were called. After more than an hour, our bozo was extracted and charged with trespassing.

Um…Maybe He Knows Several People With Two Right Feet?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia, where our unidentified bozo broke into the Clean Soles shoe store and made off with a big haul of shoes from the displays around the store. Guess he didn’t notice that all the display shoes were for the right foot only. Oops. Police ask that if you see anyone wearing what appears to be two right shoes to please contact them.

But Officer, I Know My Way Home, So I Don’t Really Need To See Out the Windshield

Our bozo for today comes from Abilene, Texas, where our unidentified perp purchased a new washing machine. OK. Step one, purchase washer. Step two, load it into Jeep Liberty SUV. So maybe place it inside the back cargo area of the SUV? Nope. Well, the Liberty has a roof rack, maybe put it up there? No way. Strap it to the hood of the car so that it effectively blocks the driver’s view of the highway? Sure, why not? And that’s exactly what our bozo did, strap the big front loader on the hood of the jeep. He didn’t go very far before he was pulled over and ticketed by the cops. No word on whether or not the washer ever made it to his house.

This is NOT What Teddy Roosevelt Meant

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Reidsville, North Carolina. Bozo Kendrick Haynes walked into the local credit union carrying a large stick and announced that this was a robbery. He then jumped over a counter and grabbed an undisclosed amount of cash. Apparently the stick caused everyone to keep their distance, as he left without encountering any resistance. But that stick also made him rather easy to identify. The cops arrested him less than five minutes later, following a report of a “man with a big stick” in a grocery store parking lot. He’s busted!

Well, A Man Needs His Car

Bozo criminals for today come from Wheatland Township, Michigan. Police were called to a report of a break-in at a local self-storage facility. Upon arrival, they found several units ransacked and a suspicious vehicle sitting in the parking lot. A K-9 officer was brought in and two bozos were quickly apprehended in a cornfield nearby. A third was found about a mile away. Case closed, right? Well, not quite. The bozos told the cops there was another member of their gang who had not yet been captured. The trail had gone cold when six hours later the cops received a call from a man saying his car had been stolen. Yep. Bozo number four was looking for the car he had left at the burglary scene. All four are now under arrest.

Give Me Your Money. And Your Donuts!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Stephen Wilson walked into the local Krispy Kreme and made a strange request. He demanded $10s, $20s, and donuts. The clerk was so shocked she called another employee over and our bozo made the same demands. They then called a male colleague from the back and when our bozo made the same demands, the man simply told our bozo to take his business elsewhere. He left, but was found by the cops loitering nearby. He told the police he wanted an item of the “secret menu.” He’ll now get to try the secret menu at the county jail.

Well, I’ll Show You, Then!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where Michael Lorenzo walked into the Family Dollar with the intent of shoplifting a pair of socks. Somewhere along the way, something went wrong and he attracted the attention of a store employee who called the cops. Feeling “antagonized” by the clerk, our bozo then grabbed 99 packs of Pokemon cards and some chopped ham and stuffed it down his pants. He had just exited the store when the cops arrived. The cops didn’t buy his excuse that the clerk had made him steal the items just “out of spite.” He’s busted!

But, I Always Use This Shortcut!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bath Township, Michigan, where traffic was slow along I-69 where crews were doing construction work. Our unidentified bozo wheels up on his motorcycle, ignored the flagman and drove past the traffic cones onto what looked like a clear stretch of roadway. It wasn’t. The crew had just poured a new roadbed of fresh cement and Mr. Bozo drove his bike right into it. Oops. The bike was immediately stuck but our bozo managed to flee on foot, leaving it behind. As soon as the cops catch up to him, he’ll be charged with disregarding traffic cones and leaving the scene of an accident.

If They Had Only Been Made With Crisco, They Would Have Been Light and Fluffy

Bozo criminal for today from South Nashville, Tennessee, where bozo Jeffrey Tarver became really angry after he spotted his former girlfriend in a car with another man. And, being from the South, he grabbed the first available weapon. A biscuit. Yep, he grabbed a biscuit and hurled it at her. He also pounded the hood of the car and threatened them both with physical harm. The cops were called and he was charged with public intoxication, vandalism and assault. No word on the fate of the biscuit.

Is She the Daughter of Cheech or Chong?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where bozo Arielle Baxter was due in court to face charges of marijuana possession. Of course, a court appearance is quite stressful, so our bozo needed a little something to calm her nerves. She was smoking a joint and talking on her cellphone when she cut off an undercover cop while turning in to the courthouse parking lot. She then proceeded to park in a spot labeled “P.D. Parking Only.” Bad idea. When a cop confronted her about the illegal parking, she rolled down the window and a huge cloud of smoke billowed out. Busted! She’ll be appearing in court on yet another charge of marijuana possession.