Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

5 19, 1999

In honor of the new Star Wars movie, we proudly present our first ever bozo from the Intergalactic File. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Rene Joly who brought a lawsuit against the Canadian Minister of Defense, Citibank, and several doctors, dentists, hospitals and drug store chains, claiming they are all part of a plot hatched by the United States Government to murder him. And why does the government want to murder him? Because he’s from Mars. He says he was cloned from Martian genetic material recovered by NASA in the ’60′s. He can’t prove it, though, because records of DNA tests performed on him have been falsified. (Do you get the idea this guy’s been watching way to many episodes of the X-Files?) The judge in the case was on the ball, though. He dismissed the suit by reasoning that since our bozo was not human, he had no status before the court, which is exclusively for earthlings.

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