Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

11 18, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today can’t win for losing. 23 year old bozo Donald Heming of Maryville, Missouri reported to jail to begin serving a 45 day sentence for violating probation. Checking into jail, he was caught carrying two packs of cigarettes and two books of matches. It’s a non smoking prison so he was violating rules by bringing in cigarettes. Furthermore, matches contain alkaloids which are illegal in jail because they can be used to make drugs. And thirdly, the matches could be used as weapons. Our bozo was charged with bringing drug parapheranalia and weapons into jail, a felony. The charges on those three offenses could add up to 40 years in prison, instead of the 45 days he was originally in for. He’ll appeal.

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