Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

What-a Burglars!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Edmond, Oklahoma. Police are investigating a series of burglaries in which residences and cars have been broken into and numerous items stolen. In looking into the case, the cops discovered two valuable clues. First, one of the residences had a security camera which provided a good picture of the thieves. And second, our bozos had a very definite pattern of activity, which they were able to trace from receipts from stolen credit cards. After each and every theft, our bozos headed straight to Walmart to make some big purchases. And, then, immediately after, they went to Whataburger to celebrate with cheeseburgers, fries and a soda. Cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Hey, Watch This….

Our bozo for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, our love struck Romeo came up with a unique way to impress his date, but it turned out to be unique in a way he never planned. He climbed to the roof of a building and was going to show his girlfriend his athletic prowess by jumping from one building to another. Epic fail. He didn’t clear the gap and fell down into the space between the two buildings, where he promptly became stuck, suspended five feet above the ground. He stayed in this position for three hours while fire crews tried to figure out what to do. Finally, after a paramedic rappelled down to talk to him, the crew broke through three walls and removed our bozo. He was OK, except for a broken ankle. Business owners are considering pressing charges. No word on whether the girlfriend was impressed.

Looks Like It Says “I Have a Gub”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pembroke Pines, Florida, and we can only assume, like in the famous scene in the Woody Allen movie, he was a crook with very poor handwriting. Our bozo used a handwritten note to try to rob a Wells Fargo bank and then headed across the street to a nearby Chase bank. He used a different approach here, using his smartphone to type a robbery note. He had handed the phone to the teller when the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.

Save Digging the Exit Holes For Last

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Naples, Italy, where our bozos had quite an elaborate plan. They planned to use the city’s sewer system to break through the floor of the expensive Bulgari jewelry store. And of course, any robbery must also include an exit plan. And that’s where they got into trouble. Before actually breaking into the store, our bozos dug getaway holes for themselves just outside the shop. And that’s what attracted the attention of the cops. They’re busted! The cops say they “have a deep-rooted problem.”

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today was partying with her friends and somehow avoided arrest when one of her girlfriends was picked up for driving drunk and also being naked from the waist down. So, after dodging one bullet, she decided to go home and sleep it off, right? Wrong. She made her way over to where her pickup was parked and headed down to the district courthouse to pick up her friend. Bad, bad idea. The cops arrested her in the courthouse parking lot and took her inside to join her friend.

Hey, Look Out For the Fan!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Dayton, Ohio, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance on a neighborhood street. Even they were surprised by what they found. A very drunk bozo, pants down around his ankles, attempting to have sex with the grill of a parked van. Yikes. He’s been charged with two counts of public indecency and is under arrest.

If Only She’d Had a Crowbar…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lebanon, Maine where bozo Mary Hampton had a plan…or at least part of a plan. Part one of the plan was to break into a business and steal the safe. Side door of business smashed, safe removed. Check and check. It was step three of the plan where things started to go wrong: Open safe. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided the best way to open the safe was to run over it with her car. Which might have worked except for one small thing. The safe, instead of breaking open, became lodged underneath the vehicle. Needless to say, this attracted quite a bit of attention from other motorists. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Technically This Stuff Should Have Been Labeled “Weasel Ass Oil”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International file in Wellington, New Zealand. Our bozos were looking for something to steal and they thought they had hit the motherlode when they spotted a box full of chemicals inside a truck. Thinking it was the ingredients for manufacturing methamphetamine, they broke in and fled with the box of stuff. Unfortunately, the stuff was not what they expected. The truck they broke into belonged to a company that is involved in protecting New Zealand’s native species. And one of the species they are researching is the New Zealand stoat, or short tailed weasel. The chemicals in the containers was anal-gland oil from the stoat, one of the foulest smelling chemicals on earth. Not sure what our bozos did with the stuff but if the cops want to find them, they should just follow their nose.

And While I’m Here, I’d Like To Complain About My Garbage Pick-Up

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Burlington, Washington, where our unidentified 49-year-old bozo drove to the State Patrol Office, walked up to the desk sergeant on duty and told him he’d like to pay his utilities bill. The officer politely told the man he had the wrong office, that this was the police department. Our bozo wouldn’t take no for an answer and insisted that he had paid his utilities bill at the office before. Bad idea. As he continued to talk, the officers noticed the strong aroma of marijuana wafting from him. He’s busted. Charged with DUI.

But Officer, the Raid Just Ain’t Workin’!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Centralia, Washington, where our unidentified bozo was fed up with the roach infestation in his apartment. And it seemed like the weren’t harmed by the bug spray at all. So, he came up with a bozo solution. He fired up his cigarette lighter in front of the spray from the insecticide can and created and makeshift flamethrower. He then went after the bugs with the flaming spray. As you might expect, the flamethrower did more damage to his apartment than to the bugs, so he was forced to flee, warning his neighbors as he exited the building. Police and fire crews were called and our bozo was arrested on suspicion of second degree reckless burning. No word on the fate of the roaches.

Well, It Is a Port-a POTty

Our bozo for today comes from Rogue River, Oregon, where a man was walking his dog when he decided to take a break and visit a port-a-potty. When he opened the door, he found the facility occupied, but not in the manner in which you might expect. Inside were several very large marijuana plants. The cops suspect the plants were placed there as a “drop” to be picked up and are presently looking for the pot supplier.

First, Be Sure to Practice Your Throwing Skills

Bozo criminals for today come from Madisonville, Kentucky, where a bozo man and woman team obviously had a beef with the owner of a newly opened barber shop. Security footage shows our bozos pull up outside the building in a white minivan. The woman breaks the back window of the business while her bozo partner emerges from the van holding a lit Molotov cocktail. He tosses the flaming bottle thru the window and then tries to throw a second one. And that’s when things started to go bad. The second toss misses the window, splashing the man with the burning liquid. He is seen running to some nearby grass where he stops, drops, and rolls to put out the flames. He then returns to the van, tossing away a flaming sock on the way. Thinking this was just not his day, he takes another bottle of flammable liquid and pours it out before they flee in the van. Police are hoping someone will be able to ID our bozos from the video footage.

Next Time Try Uber

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A police officer stopped at the Liberty Village police station garage to fill up his car. While there, our bozo walked up and climbed into the back of the cruiser. No, this wasn’t his way of turning himself in. Our extremely intoxicated bozo thought the cruiser was a cab. Further investigation found that he was wanted on an outstanding warrant. Oops. He’s under arrest.

I Told You We Should Have Gone To the Pawn Shop Further Down the Road!

For our bozo criminals for today from Clarksville, Tennessee, the plan was set…steal items, pawn said items, enjoy cash. Step one went well as they broke into a residence and got away with several items without a hitch. It was step two that turned out to be a problem. They headed down to the local pawn shop and the clerk balked at accepting the items. The reason? They looked awfully familiar. Thinking they might be items from his home, he checked with a neighbor. After discovering that his house had been broken into, he called the cops, who arrived in time to arrest our bozos inside the shop.

But Will He Be BAAAAACK?

Our bozo report for today comes from the International File in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, where the police received a report of a large, muscular man carrying a gun. Police issued an alert and several squad cars arrived on the scene. After a quick look around they found the alleged perp, who was taken into custody without incident. The police didn’t even try to interrogate him, either. You see, what had caused all the commotion was a large cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character from the movie, The Terminator. Case closed.

Uh, You’re Going the Wrong Way, Cheech!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Doraville, Georgia. Police observed a GMC box truck being driven on the wrong side of the road. When bozo Alejandro Parra was pulled over, he told the cops he didn’t have a driver’s license and had “no idea” what was inside the truck. Right. Cops took a look inside and found 169 bundles of marijuana with an estimated weight of 3996 pounds. Oops. He’s busted!

I Mean, Everyone Knows There Should Be TWO Slices of Cheese

Bozo criminal for today comes from Athens, Georgia, where the cops responded to a 911 call at a residence. When they arrived, they found a husband and wife involved in a heated argument. It was the cause of the argument that landed them in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Apparently our bozo husband had asked his wife to make him a grilled cheese sandwich. She complied, but she added three slices of cheese instead of the two that he preferred. This sent him into a rage which prompted their 12 year-old daughter to call the cops. He’s under arrest on obstruction of a 911 call and criminal trespass/damage to property charges.

Maybe Consider a Money Clip

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 11292889: Don’t take your ID to a burglary. From South Brunswick, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Jarred Parker who seemed to be having quite a bit of success as a thief. Using a van “borrowed” from the day care center where he worked, our bozo is accused of pulling off 48 burglaries, getting away with numerous laptops, cash and other items, mostly stolen from parked cars. Things came to an end when the cops spotted him in the parking lot of an apartment complex and gave chase. Somehow, while fleeing, he dropped his wallet. Oops. Using the ID inside our bozo was tracked down and placed under arrest.

Hashtag: Bozo

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Orion, Michigan, where the cops observed bozo Michael Baxter leave a local restaurant on his motorcycle at around 2:15 am. After our bozo performed a “loud and aggressive brake torque” an officer flipped on his lights and pulled him over. As soon as he exited his vehicle, our bozo peeled out at a high rate of speed. He was long gone before the cops could get back into his car and give pursuit. End of story, right? Wrong. Our bozo just couldn’t resist bragging about the incident on his Facebook page, saying that he was doing 140 in a 35 MPH zone and using the hashtags #nojailthisweekend and #everyonelovedit. Well, not everyone. The cops were able to use the post to track him down and he’s now facing a five-year felony charge of fleeing an officer and one charge of reckess driving. Hashtag hegotwhathedeserved.

Of All Things They Should Have Been Able To Identify

Our bozo for today comes from Orlando, Florida, where the cops staked out a local 7-Eleven for suspected drug activity. They pulled over a suspect after he left the store and failed to make a complete stop coming out of the parking lot. The cops noticed something suspicious on the floor of the car…a “rock like substance.” Further investigation revealed three more pieces of the suspicious stuff. The driver protested that he was innocent, but he was taken in on suspicion of possession of crystal meth. At the jail, he was searched, but no evidence of drugs was found, so he was released on $2500 bail. And then the results of the “rock like” substance came back from the lab. Meth? Nope. Glaze from a Krispy Kreme donut, as the suspect had claimed? Yep. He’s considering a lawsuit.