Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But, He’s Pardoned Everybody Else!

Our bozo for today obviously has gotten caught up in presidential politics and thought he would get in on the recent wave of pardons issued by outgoing President Obama. Bozo Marcus Wallace had served two years on charges of stealing valuable works of art. So, he did what any bozo would do. He stole a car, drove from Miami to Washington and demanded to speak to Attorney General Eric Holder. Among the numerous flaws in his plan was the fact the Holder is no longer AG, Loretta Lynch is. Oh, and that stolen car was a big mistake, too. The cops spotted him outside a Starbucks in Virginia an placed him under arrest.

He Missed Getting Away By a Hair

Bozo criminal for today from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, brings up seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 3403930: Crime and fashion statements don’t mix. Cops in Pittsburgh had received several reports of a man vandalizing cars. Checking surveillance cameras, they found several videos showing a man kicking the sides of cars and breaking off the mirrors. The one thing that stood out in the videos was that he wore his hair in a “man bun.” His rather unique hairstyle led to a positive ID by several of the residents. He can get a new style cheap from the jailhouse barber.

Freeze! And Drop the Cucumber!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Glasgow, Scotland, where our unidentified bozo brandished one of the strangest weapons ever. He walked into a store and pointed a cucumber, which he had concealed in a black sock, at a clerk and demanded cash. The clerk declined and our bozo headed for the exit where he was stopped by an off-duty police officer who had seen the whole thing. He tried to claim it was all a joke, but the judge didn’t see it that way. He was convicted of assault with intent to rob.

And While You’re At It, Can You Turn Down The Brightness On That Moon?

Our bozo for today from Niagara Falls, New York, is not a criminal but she certainly provided us with a unique story. A Niagara Falls police dispatcher relayed a call she had received to officers on patrol. A woman on the other end of the line asked the dispatcher if the cops could stop the wind from blowing so she could get some sleep. After being advised that the police had no jurisdiction over Mother Nature, the woman hung up.

Say What?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany, where bozo Klaus Raschke walked into a bank and demanded cash. He flashed a pistol but soon began acting strangely. One of the tellers asked him if he needed a bag for the money and our bozo replied, “Yep, it’s a real gun.” Putting two and two together, the bank employees realized our bozo was deaf and decided to take a chance and set off the alarm. Our bozo didn’t notice the piercing alarm and continued to wait patiently for his cash. He was still waiting when the cops arrived and took him into custody.

Seriously, This Was the Best Place You Could Find To Hide?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bingham Township, Michigan, where it’s been cold this winter. Police were called to a report of a vehicle in the roadway with no lights on and no one around. The complainant called dispatch again and said someone was wandering around a shed after apparently driving the truck in question into the shed. The cops then followed tracks from the shed to a nearby frozen ditch. After seeing evidence that someone had broken the ice and had crawled into the culvert, emergency teams were called who extracted our very cold bozo from his hiding place. He was treated for hypothermia before being taken to the county jail.

This One Was Easy To ID

Bozo criminal for today comes from KIssimmee, Florida, where bozo Milton Hampton attempted a robbery at the local Lowe’s store, threatening a clerk with a pair of scissors. Other employees and shoppers came to the clerk’s rescue and our bozo fled, jumping over a fence and onto the grounds of a nearby resort. Once inside, he carjacked a golf cart from a security guard. But his crime spree was soon to come to an end, as the cops quickly arrived. And as far as finding our bozo, the cops said it was very simple. He was the only guy there wearing clothes. Yep, when our bozo fled, he jumped over a fence and onto the grounds of the Cypress Cove Nudist Resort. He’s busted!

Next Time Stick To Robbing Convenience Stores Like Everyone Else

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deerfield Beach, Florida where our bozo made a number of mistakes in his attempts to break into a store. First, he didn’t realize the store had a sturdy door, as it didn’t break when he threw a rock at it. Then, he kicked the door and tried to push it open, to no avail. Seeing that this burglary was going nowhere, he then walked away. End of story, right? Wrong. We failed to tell you that the store he was trying to break into was Spy Spot Investigations, a store that specializes in selling hidden cameras. Oops. Of course he was caught on camera by any number of cameras that the store had set up around the perimeter of the building. Armed with a really nice picture, the cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Another Reason to Love Thy Neighbor!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longview, Texas, where the cops received a 911 call from a man complaining about his neighbor. The police arrived on the scene, but no one answered the front door. After finding the back door open, the cops went in and that’s when our bozo’s problems really started. Inside, the cops found a large amount of marijuana spread out on a table. All totaled, there was 2.3 pounds of marijuana sealed in plastic bags and pickle jars. When our bozo returned home a short time later he was busted! No word on what the problem was with the neighbor.

Well, It Has a Nice Beat, But You Can’t Dance To It

Our bozo story for today is a classic case of mistaken identity. The cleaning crew working at a credit union in Lake Jackson, Texas, noticed a U-Haul truck pull up around 1:45 PM on New Year’s Day. When several men emerged carrying weapons and wearing ski masks, the crew assumed the worst and called the cops. The police quickly arrived and ordered the men to drop the weapons and get on the ground. And that’s when their real intent became clear. They identified themselves as aspiring rappers Tru Keezy and Yung Groovey and explained to the cops that they were shooting a music video with a bank robbery theme outside the credit union.
After it was determined that the guns were not loaded our rappers were released without further incident.

Not a Sweet Deal

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Missouri, where bozo Suzanne Clark was not satisfied with a purchase she made. So, she took her complaint directly to the cops. Which might have been OK except for what it was she wasn’t satisfied with. After calling the police, she told them she had paid $40 for crack cocaine and had been given sugar instead. But she wasn’t done. She demanded the cops arrest her dealer and secure a refund for her purchase. After being unable to track down her dealer, the cops visited our bozo victim and, after finding her in possession of a crack pipe, placed her under arrest.

Watch Out For That…Pothole!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report from Sterling Heights, Michigan. The cops were called to a report of a burglary in progress at a local coffee shop. They arrived in time to see our bozo smash the glass door and enter the business. He then ignored officers calls to halt and attempted to flee in his SUV, damaging two police cars and nearly running over an officer in the process. It was his escape route that got him into trouble. He headed east on 15 Mile Road, in the direction of a large 250 foot long, 100 foot wide sinkhole, caused by a collapsed sewer line. And, you guessed it, he drove right into it. Oops. He was arrested after he tried to climb out and flee on foot.

A Not So Clean Getaway

We have for today what the Bozo Staff believes to be the first ever case of twin bozos. From Absecon, New Jersey, comes the story of twins identified only as “Kenny and Lenny” who attempted to steal 30 6-packs of Dove soap from a local store. They grabbed the soap and headed for the exit with store employees in hot pursuit. Immediately upon leaving the store, they were knocked to the ground when they ran into a trash can. Undeterred, they jumped up and then ran into a shopping cart. Their string of bad luck continued when a police officer who was responding to a car accident in the area arrived on the scene. They face twin indictments of shoplifting and resisting arrest.

The Force Wasn’t With Him

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida, where a man dressed in a Chewbacca costume stole $623 from two vending machines at an office. Sounds like a successful crime, right? Wrong. First, the entire crime was captured on security cameras. Including when he entered the building before putting the Chewbacca mask over his face. And, second, our bozo was terminated by the vending machine company a couple of months ago and an employee was able to positively identify him since she “saw him on a daily basis for two years.” Oops. He’s busted!

Assault With a…Um…Friendly Weapon

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Bernardino, California where an unidentified bozo walked into the Lotions and Lace adult store brandishing a gun. When he demanded cash from the clerk, a second employee hurled a barrage of sex toys at him. He quickly determined he would be unable to swat away all the sexual missiles and ran empty handed for the front door. The whole spectacle was captured on security cameras. Cops are working to identify our bozo and hope to make an arrest soon.

His Aim Wasn’t True

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report from Jackson, Michigan, which shows a clear violation of Bozo Rule Number 334338: Don’t return a stolen item to a shop where the victim works. It seems bozo Eric Harvey stole a compound bow from a parked car. Once he got it, he really didn’t know what to do with it, so he headed down to the local sporting goods store to try to sell it. Which might have been a good idea except for the fact that the guy he stole it from worked at the store. Oops. A co-worker immediately recognized it and called the cops. Our bozo, who was out on bond at the time has been charged with possession of stolen property.

Another Bozo Butt Dial

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Danville, Kentucky, where the Chief of Police was enjoying a meal at the local BBQ joint. As luck would have it, outside that restaurants were two bozos, sitting in a car and discussing their plans to rob the place. And even more unluckily for them, one of them butt-dialed police dispatch in the middle of the conversation. The dispatcher heard everything and when one of our bozos mentioned the Chief’s name, they pinged the cell phone and determined they were planning on robbing the very restaurant where the Chief was eating. Officers were quickly dispatched and our bozos were found, still in their car, with one of them in possession of a mask. Busted!

Bozo Rule Number One: Don’t Accept Checks

Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois, where bozos Mario Gomez and Domingo Lopez stormed into a restaurant and demanded cash. They threatened to kill the owner and told him they had a gun. The quick thinking owner was concerned for his customers safety and told our bozos he was too busy and to please come back in an hour. Of course, they did. When they showed up a second time, they changed their request, to $100 and food. The owner said, sure, just let me step into the back and get my wife’s checkbook. This gave him time to call the cops who arrived quickly and placed our bozos under arrest. And that gun they were threatening him with…it was a water pistol.

This Ain’t the Grinch

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Russell Fox for sending in today’s report from Charlotte Hall, Maryland. The cops were called to a local dollar store on a report that it was being ransacked. When they arrived, the place was a mess, with displays overturned and items strewn all over the floor, with the majority of the mess being in the Christmas tree section. The police were quickly able to solve the crime, as the suspect was still on the premises. A rogue beaver had apparently found his way into the store and took a good long look at the Christmas trees. After finding them all to be artificial, he proceeded to trash the place. Nothing to eat here, pal. He’s been taken into protective custody.