Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Chongqing, China. Our bozo had just met his girlfriend online and they were getting to know each other. He learned that she liked police officers, so our bozo purchased fake uniforms and badges online. But she still wasn’t buying the story. So, our bozo was forced to resort to desperate measures. He took her down to the local police station where he walked in and introduced himself to everyone as the “new police chief.” Not surprisingly, the cops quickly saw through the ruse and did some quick research which proved the old chief was still in charge. Busted! He was placed under arrest for impersonating an officer.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cliff Weixel for sending in today’s report from Jamestown, North Dakota. Bozo Tyler Davis called the cops to report a burglary at his residence. When the police arrived they quickly discovered this was no ordinary burglary. Our bozo reported that someone had broken the rear window, entered the residence and escaped with in excess of $30,000 in cash. Oh, and one more thing, he also took about a pound of marijuana. Oops. Maybe he shouldn’t have reported that. The police obtained a search warrant and found more pot and an additional $12,000 in cash inside the residence. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver, a Class A felony.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from East Grand Forks, Minnesota. Bozo Lucas Green was caught on surveillance video allegedly committing a burglary. When the cops went to his residence to question him, he jumped in his truck and fled the scene. He led the police on a 13-mile chase before he unexpectedly started slowing down. He then pulled over and attempted to flee. He didn’t get very far before the cops caught up to him. So, he had a change of heart and decided to surrender? Nope, the truck simply ran out of gas. He’s under arrest.
Our list of Bozo Pokemon Go players on parade continues today with this story from East Greenwich Township, New Jersey. The local Fire and Rescue crew received a call asking for help getting someone down from a tree. Yes, that is “someone”, not “something” as in the usual trapped cat. When they arrived, they found a woman, smartphone in hand, stuck in the tree. Her bozo excuse…she was chasing a rogue Pokemon and climbed up the tree in an effort to catch it, only to find herself unable to get down. The rescue team retrieved her. No word on the fate of the Pokemon.
The way things are going, we may have to develop a completely separate category for Pokemon Go bozos. Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow sent this one in from Baltimore, Maryland. It seems our bozo was intently playing his game and searching for the elusive Pokemon, all while driving his car. And the worst possible thing happened at the worst possible moment. He crashed his car…into a parked police cruiser. Fortunately, the cops weren’t in the vehicle at the time and no one was injured. The cops were nice about the whole thing. No report on whether the Pokemon was caught.
Bozo criminals for today come from Joplin, Missouri, where the cops received a report of a couple taking a ride on a lawn mower. Not that unusual, but it was their lack of clothing that attracted attention. When they were pulled over, our naked bozos offered up the excuse that they had been skinny dipping and someone had stolen their clothes. OK, but…it seems the lawnmower wasn’t theirs. Yep they went for a naked ride on a stolen lawnmower. They’ve been charged with theft.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk James Gassaway for sending in today’s report. The Pokemon Go app has only been around for a couple of weeks and it’s now caught a bozo in addition to Pokemon. From Milford, Michigan, comes the story of bozo William Watkins who was playing the game when it led him to a flagpole outside the Milford Police Department building. No problem there, except for one small thing. Our bozo was wanted on an outstanding warrant and several of the cops recognized him as he was hanging around outside the building. He never got the catch that Pokemon. He was arrested on the spot.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee, where bozo Rachel Anderson had a hankering for a barbecue brisket. So she did what any bozo would do, she bought the meat and fired up the smoker. Only she didn’t have a smoker. So she built a fire in her bathtub and placed a rack over the rim of the tub for the brisket. Bad idea for many reasons. First, it was one of those fiberglass tubs, which quickly melted. The fire department was called and both tub and brisket were declared a total loss.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Guelph, Ontario, Canada, where cops patrolling on a dark street noticed what they thought was a bicyclist approaching. It wasn’t long before they figured out it was going way too fast to be a bicycle. Instead, it turned out to be a bozo, driving his car with no working exterior lights. But he wasn’t completely in the dark. He was wearing an LED headlamp on his forehead to light his way, shining the light through the front windshield. And to make matters worse, he was speeding, doing 67 MPH in a 40 MPH zone. He was arrested and the car was towed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mickey Bunn for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee. Employees at the local Hustler Hollywood store reported that a man walked into the store, grabbed a mannequin by the front door, threw it in his truck and drove away. Unfortunately for our bozo, the employees got the license plate of the truck. The cops ran it and tracked the vehicle to a local retirement community. Upon questioning, our bozo revealed that he had indeed stolen the dummy and took the cops to his bedroom where they found it in his bed. He’s been charged with theft and was also arrested on an outstanding warrant.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Hempstead, New York. Our bozo’s plan started off smoothly. He armed himself with a shotgun and entered the local Bank of America branch. He then demanded cash from a female employee and that’s when things started to go south. The woman refused to allow him to enter the teller area and, seeing that this wasn’t working out as planned, our bozo ran out the door and jumped into his car. He didn’t get very far before he was involved in a traffic accident, crashing into another vehicle. But not just any car. He ran into a police patrol car. Oops. Officers caught up with him quickly when he tried to flee and he was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Loganville, Pennsylvania. Bozos Rick Martin and Naomi West were traveling from Virginia to Connecticut down Interstate 83. It was a long trip and along the way they had decided to enjoy a few cold beers. Not surprisingly, nature called and our bozos stopped to relieve themselves. While they were outside the car, a great song came on the radio and they decided to turn it up and dance around. Which might have all been well and good, except for the place they decided to pull over for their pit stop. The parking lot of police headquarters. An officer stepping out of the front door of the barracks saw what was going on and they were placed under arrest, charged with public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and open container violations.
The Bozo Report will return Monday. Today we join with our friends in Dallas to mourn the officers killed in the line of duty.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Humpty Doo, Australia, where the cops received a rather unusual phone call. On the other end of the line was our bozo, and he was very upset. He explained to the cops that he and his father had an argument and his father had set fire to his marijuana stash. Obviously, the police had to go check this one out. When they arrived, all that was left was the smoldering remains of a bonfire, and one very distraught bozo. The cops could only shake their heads as there was no unburned pot left behind. When last seen, our bozo was packing up his stuff and leaving to stay with relatives, who hopefully will be more tolerant of his smoking habits.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Braintree, Massachusetts. Bozo Perry Blair walked into a local bank and presented a check for cashing. The teller thought the check looked suspicious and was checking it out when our bozo received a text message on his cell phone. Not sure what the message was, maybe his Mama calling him home to dinner, but our bozo dropped everything and headed for the door. Unfortunately, one of the things he left behind, along with the phony check, was his ID. The cops quickly caught up with him and found an identical fake check in his vehicle’s center console. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Gosford, Australia. Bozo Matthew Harper was arrested by the cops for jumping on the roof of an elderly couple’s car, damaging it and generally scaring the heck out of them. He was taken to the police station, booked and released. Guess that just wasn’t good enough for him. He returned to the police station two and a half hours later, shoeless and shirtless. He proceeded to kick down the sliding door to the station, smashing it and entered the facility screaming and yelling. Enough is enough. This time he was charged with recklessly destroying property and was placed in jail.
Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, where the cops were called to a report of a problem at an apartment complex. Neighbors pointed to a window where a woman, clad only in her underwear, could be seen standing motionless. After observing her not moving, the cops sprang into action. When there was no response to the doorbell or repeated knocks on the door, the cops broke in. Inside, they found a “lifeless woman”. But the reason for her lifeless-ness was unexpected. She was “made of plastic and filled with air.” Yep, the owner of the apartment had left his blow up sex doll standing in front of the window. She was moved to a more private location. No charges were filed.
Bozo criminal for today is the lowest of the low. Jonathan Sawyer of Albuquerque, New Mexico broke into a residence and stole someone’s frozen dinners. Now, taking food is bad enough, but this deed was even more dastardly. Bozo Jonathan broke into his grandmother’s home and stole his own granny’s TV dinners. Shame. And on top of that, he stuck his thumb in the eye of a deputy as he tried to escape. He was found to be in possession of a gun and several glass pipes with drug residue. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Sacramento, California. The popular local restaurant Mother was closed Saturday afternoon and the security cameras were on while an employee finished cleaning up. That’s when our bozo sneaked in through a back door, crept behind a counter and then went into the kitchen. He then grabbed a large shaker of powdered sugar and started sprinkling it all over himself. When he was sufficiently covered, he then picked up a stapler and started stapling together take-out containers. The employee spotted Mr. Sugar Man and called the cops. He was rinsed off and arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Worcester, Massachusetts, where bozo Jane Morton was locked up when a court officer went into one of the neighboring cells. Then next thing he knew, a projectile was headed his way, hitting him in the chest and splashing an unknown liquid onto his face. Further investigation revealed our bozo had dipped her lunch, a sandwich, into the toilet before throwing it at the man. Ick. Our bozo now faces charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.