Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Up In the Air, It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…It’s a Drone!

For today we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Middleton, Wisconsin, comes the story of Marquis Perry who was on the run from the cops after it was reported he had stolen a car and robbed a BP gas station. The cops found the car abandoned near a local pond surrnounded by dense undergrowth. Instead of searching on foot, the cops took the fire department up on their offer to loan them an inflatable raft and a drone with a camera to help them. It wasn’t long before the camera spotted a pair of shoes and a large wad cash floating in the water, which led them to our bozo who was hiding nearby. He’s busted.

I Said Pull Back on the STICK!

Today we present a couple of members of the Bozo Mile High Club, but, as you will see, the reasons for their induction are different than what you might expect. A couple of pilots for the Argentine airline Austral Lineas Aereas learned that they had a Playboy model on board and, of course, they invited her into the cockpit. Unfortunately numerous selfies showed the model flying the plane and assisting the pilots during takeoff. Not good. They’ve been terminated and several passengers are considering lawsuits.

Guess Hitchhiking Was Out Of the Question

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems bozo John Hamilton of New York City wanted to go see his girlfriend in Uniontown, Pennsylvania, 300 miles away. Only problem, he didn’t have a car. So, he did the next best thing and loaded his kids into a cab and told the driver to head for Uniontown. Which might have been OK, except when he arrived at his destination and the cabbie handed him a $749 bill, he told the driver he had no cash and his “credit card was maxed out for the day.” Bad idea. The cabbie called the cops and our bozo has been jailed on charges of theft of services. The kids are in protective custody and our bozo still hasn’t seen his girlfriend.

Those Tacos Were Addictive

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Denver, Colorado where it’s not unusual to find food trucks parked at various locations around town. However, one taco truck in particular seemed to be getting VERY popular. After receiving a tip, the cops staked out the taco wagon in question and noticed that one of the “specials” was, well, very unusual. If you knew what to ask for, you could get your taco with a side order of methamphetamine. Yep, our bozos were brazenly selling dope out of their taco truck. Not anymore. After selling some of the special tacos to an undercover officer, our bozos were busted.

Take the First Left, Right? Wrong

Bozo criminal for today from Plainfield, Pennsylvania, violated Bozo Rule Number 114847: Map your escape route out ahead of time. Bozo Cristian Olson stole a car in Queens, New York and was headed to Syracuse. But somewhere along the way he took a wrong turn and ended up out of gas on the side of the road on Route 33 in Plainfield. When a trooper stopped to help, he ran a quick license plate check and discovered the car was stolen. He’s busted!

Goldmember

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California, which also qualifies for the Darwin Award. It seems a member of the notorious MS-13 gang decided it would be a good idea to gold plate his genitals to celebrate his 17th birthday. It wasn’t. He stole some lead-based gold paint from a local garage and sprayed away. We’re not sure exactly what happened next but we do know he ended up in the hospital where he died from complications related to the attempted gold plating. RIP Bozo.

And the Dog’s Name…Reefer!

Bozo criminal for today from Salem, New Hampshire, proves once again that while a dog may be man’s best friend, he can sometimes be a bozo’s worst enemy. Two housekeepers at a Red Roof Inn noticed a German Shepherd running loose on the property. They recognized the dog as belonging to one of the guests at the motel so they went to his room to tell him. When they arrived, they found the door open and the air filled with the strong smell of pot and what appeared to be a large amount of marijuana in the bathtub. The cops were called and found $100,000 in cash in addition to the pot. He’s busted!They’re looking for a good home for his dog.

A Sticky Situation

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hamilton, Alberta, Canada, where the cops were called to a report of a sticky substance on the sidewalk. Investigators determined that the substance was maple syrup. End of story, right? Wrong. A witness turned up who was able to identify our syrup spreader. The cops went to his apartment to question the man, with the intention of charging him with criminal mischief. Except…upon arrival they found, that in addition to being in possession of maple syrup, he was also in possession of marijuana. And he was in violation of his probation. He’s busted!

That Sure Put a Damper On What Started Out As a Fun Evening

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 778423: If you’re already naked when you’re arrested, don’t push it. From Westlake, Ohio, comes the story of bozos Alexandria Mason and Kenneth Greer, who were reported to be naked in a parking lot. By the time the police arrived, our bozos, still naked, were inside their car. Bozo Alex was behind the wheel and eating a slice of pizza while Bozo Ken was in the passenger seat with an open can of beer between his feet. Both where arrested and ordered to get dressed. But the fun didn’t stop there. Bozo Alex was released to a sober family member, but by 3 a.m. she was found wandering down a road after being kicked out of the car for arguing with the person who came to pick her up. She was booked on charges of disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Meanwhile, Bozo Ken, who was on probation for drug possession charges, peed in the back seat of the patrol car. Bad, bad idea. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated, an open container violation, and public indecency.

He Had Just a Little More Stuff He Needed To Get Rid Of

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kingman, Arizona, where the cops were on the lookout for a man they suspeced had illegally dumped 600 pounds of construction and household trash in the desert. A few days later the cops were taking part in a free trash collection event when who should drive up but the very guy they had been looking for. One of the detectives approached our bozo and he quickly admitted to being the illegal dumper. He was also arrested on two unrelated misdemeanor warrants plus the illegal dumping charge.

No Doubt the Cops Agreed With That Statement

Bozo Criminal for today from Benton, Arkansas, comes from the Wardrobe Malfunction Department. The cops were looking for bozo Charles Watkins in conjuction with a shooting that left a woman seriously injured. Working on a tip, they tracked him to a local hotel where he was taken into custody without incident. It was the T-shirt he was wearing at the time of his arrest that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Written in big letters across the front of the shirt: “You Can Run But You Can’t Hide.” Very true. He’s under arrest.

Does This Picture Make Me Look Stupid?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee, where bozo Marvin Brown was a convicted felon, with charges of assault, drug and money laundering. He had been out of jail since 2013, and then he took that unfortunate selfie. The picture showed him holding a Springfield .45 handgun which he then then posted on Facebook. Don’t know how many “likes” the picture got, but it got one big “unlike” from federal prosecutors. You see, one of the provisions of his parole was that he was not to be in possession of any weapons. The jury decided the Facebook photo was evidence enough for them, and our bozo was sent back to jail.

Mmmmmmm….Bacon!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report that wins the Homer Simpson award for sheer stupidity. Police in Lincoln, Nebraska came upon an unusual site, bozo Justin Brown passed out in the front yard of a house with a package of bacon in his pocket and a 42-inch television by his side. A short time later, they received a report of a burglary at a nearby residence. The only items taken? A package of bacon and a flat screen TV. He’s busted!

A Name Is a Name, Unless It’s Of a Wanted Man

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Whangarei, New Zealand, where our bozo was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. When officers ran a check on the name the man gave them, they discovered he was wanted for violating conditions of his bail. He was taken to the station house and placed under arrest. When he appeared in court, something unusual happened. Prison officials who were familiar with the wanted man noticed that our bozo was not him. That’s right, this bozo had given the name of a wanted man and then had kept his mouth shut the whole time until he was taken to court. After it was all sorted out, he was charged with driving without a license and giving false statements.

Well, It’s No La-Z-Boy, But It’ll Do

Bozo criminal for today from Red Bay, Alabama violated Bozo Rule Number 0006573: Go to bed early and get plenty of sleep the night before pulling off your crime. Bozo Christoper Taylor walked into a pharmacy armed with a shotgun and took the employees hostage, demanding drugs. Things did not progress as he had hoped and, after a time, he released all the hostages except for the pharmacist, who continued to stall him. As the situation dragged on, our bozo asked for a recliner. When one could not be delivered to him, he pulled some chairs together, laid down, and dozed off. The pharmacist then picked up the shotgun and walked outside. End of situation. The police woke up our bozo and placed him under arrest.

And On Top Of That, His Badge Was Plastic

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Yongxing, China, where the cops rounded up a group of suspects in an illegal gambling sting. Wanting to free his friend, our bozo dressed himself up as a police officer and reported to the station house, saying he was looking for one of the suspects to transport him to another facility. Sounds like a pretty good plan, except for two major flaws. Number one, he was drunk and reeked of alcohol. Number two, the friend that he was trying to spring had never been taken into custody in the first place. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Guess He Just Didn’t Have Any Small Bills

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Woburn, Massachusetts. Transit police noticed bozo Tim Carter trying to “piggy-back” behind a paying customer and get on to a mass transit vehicle without paying. When they grabbed him to issue a citation for trying to skip the $2.10 fare, they discovered he had an outstanding warrant and took him into custody. It was when he was searched at police headquarters that they discovered our bozo had enough money to have paid that fare. Plenty enough. He was carrying $7000 in cash. He’s under arrest on the outstanding charges, including operating with a suspended license, operating a vehicle with a suspended registration and operating an uninsured vehicle.

If She Had Waited a Little Longer, He Might Have Trimmed the Hedges, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hobbs, New Mexico, where a homeowner was awakened by noises coming from her kitchen. She walked in to discover bozo Patrick Wells wiping down the countertop and baking a potato in the microwave oven. When she asked him what he was doing, he simply replied “Baking a potato.” She then told him to get out and our bozo proceeded to go outside and began raking leaves in the front yard. The homeowner then persuaded him to stick around by offering to pay him for his services while she called the cops. Police say he was obviously intoxicated and faces charges of burglary, unlawful entry and failure to appear in court on several outstanding warrants.

Hulk Hogan You Ain’t

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fruitland, Park, Florida, where bozo Edward Gomez was on a camping trip at Lake Griffin State Park when he called 911 to report a harrassing phone call. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he asked the female dispatcher if she was single and if she liked big muscles. She promptly hung up on him. He then called back two more times to brag about the big muscles he possessed. Cops went to the park where he was camping and found our bozo lying in his tent with a cold beer and a couple of empties by his side. After he got beligerent with the officers, he was charged with battery on an officer and misuse of the 911 system.

A Really Crappy Idea

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 229876: If you’re a flasher, a port-a-potty isn’t the best place to ply your trade. Citizens in Portland, Oregon became fed up with a bozo who kept opening the door of a port-a-potty to expose himself to passersby. So they took matters into their own hands. A group of them got behind the potty and tipped it over, with the door facing down so he was trapped inside. Ick. The cops were called and our feces covered bozo was rescued. It’sll probably be a while before he tries that again.