Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

A Cold Case. Cold Cash That Is

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from University City, Missouri. Bozo Cameron Brown walked into a bank and handed the teller a note requesting her to hand over all the cash. She complied, but apparently “all the cash” was just too much for our bozo to handle. Almost immediately upon leaving the bank our bozo began lightening his load by first dropping his red baseball cap and then tossing bills out of the sack of money as he ran. The cops had the easiest arrest ever as they simply followed the trail of bills from the bank to his hiding place in a stariwell of a nearby parking garage. After starting with thousands of dollars, he had only about $100 in dollar bills left when the officers caught him.

Next Time Get a GPS. Or a Map

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in a report this morning of a bozo who perhaps was guility of nothing but poor judgment. Very poor judgment. It seems our bozo from Sevierville, Tennessee, cruised into Washington, D.C. in a pickup full of weapons and carrying a propane tank. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he flagged down a police officer and asked for directions to the White House. Noticing the truck’s contents, the officer became suspicious and asked him to wait while he ran his license plate. When it was determined that he did not have a license for the weapon he was carrying the truck was searched and a .44-caliber revoler, a .22-caliber rifle with a scope, a 7mm rifle, a knife with a 12 inch blade, ammunition boxes filled with hundreds of rounds, three percussion caps and the tank of propane were found in the vehicle. He told the cops he was moving and had everything he owned in the truck. And since he was in the area, he thought it would be interesting to visit the White House. The cops could find no reason to believe he was lying and he was charged with carrying a gun without a license and ordered to stay away from all federal buildings. Maybe he can pick up a nice brochure on his way out of town.

At Least His Heart Was In the Right Place

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stanford, Kentucky, where a police officer noticed some unusual activity going on at the local graveyard. He approached the man and told him to “step back into the light”. Our bozo replied for him to “step back into the dark.” Not a good idea. Upon further investigation the cop discovered that our obviously impaired bozo was trying to dig up a grave. He then told the cop that the grave was his father’s and he was trying to get him above ground so it would be easier for him to get to heaven. In spite of his intentions, what he was doing is illegal. He’s been charged with violating a grave, possession of marijuana and public intoxication.

This Really Blows

Bozo criminal for today comes from Apopka, Florida, where a police officer noticed a small child left alone in a parked car. When he saw our bozo exit Frogger’s Bar and Grill he began questioning her about the dangers of leaving her little boy inside the car while she went into the bar for a beer. But it was what happened next that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Since she had numerous issues with drinking and driving, her car had a built in breathalyzer that had to be blown into before the car could be started. Right in front of the officer, she asked her four-year-old to blow into it so she could start the car. Bad, bad idea. She’s now in rehab and the little boy and his father have moved out of state.

Final Score: Bus 1, Bozo 0

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winter Haven, Florida, where a public transit bus stopped at a terminal about 11:35 a.m. Our bozo got off but quickly decided he was a the wrong place and wanted to go somewhere else. One problem, the additional ride would cost $2 more. So, he dug around in his pockets and came up with the two bucks, right? Wrong. Instead, he backed up like an angry bull and ran headfirst into the glass doors of the bus. The glass was shattered and our bozo was temporarily knocked out. Video surveillance cameras show him getting up and walking away a short time later. The cops are looking for a bozo with a big goose egg on his forehead.

Get Out Of the Car…Officer?

Bozo criminal for today from St. Petersburg, Florida had big plans for a carjacking. He armed himself with a steak knife and approached his target. Yanking open the passenger door, he ordered the occupants to get out. He was more than surprised when they shouted back, “Police!”. Yep, our bozo had targed an unmarked police car, with two officers inside. He dropped his knife and attempted to flee, but, not surprisingly, didn’t get very far. He’s under arrest.

Don’t Mess With Texas Armadillos

Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but, being a native Texan, this is a story we could not pass up. From Texarkana,Texas comes the story of a bozo homeowner who shall remain unidentified. He was having problems with armadillos tearing up his lawn, so he took matters into his own hands, in the most Texas sort of way. He stepped out onto his front porch and fired three shots from his .38 revolver at the armored critter. Bad idea. The animal’s hard shell deflected at least one of the three bullets, causing it to richocet back and hit the man in the jaw. He was airlifted to a nearby hospital where he is expected to recover. No word on the fate of the armadillo.

Final Score: Vacuum Cleaner 1, Bozos 0

From the International File in Berlin, Germany, comes the story of two armed bozos who attempted to hold up a convenience store. The clerk was apparently not frightened by the gun our bozo was toting and picked up a weapon of her own. A vacuum cleaner. Yep, she switched on the store’s Hoover and pointed the hose attachment at them. Fearing they might get sucked into the dust bin our bozos fled empty handed.

And His Favorite Beer Is…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Millersville, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a local farm after a report of a tresspasser. Even the cops who thought they had seen everything were surprised by what they found. 64-year-old bozo Larry Hansen was naked, drunk, and rolling around with the pigs in the farmer’s hog barn. When the cops asked him what he was doing, he simply replied, “I just like pigs.” He’s been charged with tresspassing, public drunkenness and indecent exposure. Appropriately enough, the cops report our bozo had a six pack of Hamm’s beer with him at the time of his arrest.

But Obama Said…

Bozo criminal for today from Kingsport, Tennessee could be the world’s worst counterfeiter. Bozo Pam Dawson tried to use a fake $5 bill at a local grocery store. The clerk immediately noticed something was amiss. It appeared to have been printed on computer paper and each side had been glued together. The cops were called and found a $100 bill in her purse that was also counterfeit, printed in black and white and the back of the bill was printed upside down. The cops also discovered a receipt for a printer and copy paper in her purse. It was her excuse for counterfeiting the money that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She said she read online that President Obama had created a law allowing anyone to print their own money. More specifically she said, “I don’t give a ****, all these other b****** get to print money, so I can, too.” She’s been charged with counterfeiting.

ATM? What ATM?

The plan: Steal backhoe, use backhoe to steal ATM, load ATM into back of truck, make clean getaway. Good plan, but the plan should have included a tarp to cover the ATM. From Winter Haven, Florida comes the story of bozos Francisco Herrera and Jesus Ramirez who came up with this bright idea. They stole the backhoe from a worksite near the bank and successfully uprooted the ATM and loaded it into the back of their heavy duty pickup. What they didn’t count on was the automatic alarm that went off when the ATM was removed. And they obviously didn’t think about trying to cover it up, either, as they were spotted by the cops a short distance away, with the ATM in plain view in the back of the truck. It was when the cops were questioning them that they came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told the cops they were out collecting scrap metal and had “no idea” how an ATM ended up in the bed of their truck. Sorry, the cops aren’t buying that one. They’ve been charged with grand theft.

Sic Transit Bozo

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salem, Massachusetts where bozo Pierre Fontaine needed to take a ride on a public transit bus but had no money for the fare. However, he noticed a conductor sit down a bag full of fare money she had just collected on a seat nearby. So, he did what any bozo would do, he stole the bag. The conductor got suspicious when she asked our bozo for his fare and he pulled out a large roll of cash. That, coupled with the fact that her collection bag was missing led her to call the cops. Our bozo admitted to the police that he’d taken the money and is due to appear in court next week. No word if he ever made it to his destination.

A Lotta Bull!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arab, Alabama, where bozo Brad Harrison was being sought by the cops in connection with a burglary. When they approached our bozo, he fled, seeking refuge in a nearby cow pasture. Bad idea, as the cow pasture was guarded by one very protective bull, who joined in the chase. Our bozo tried to make his getaway but became ensnared in a barbed wire fence. He’s under arrest.

From the Mouths of Babes

Bozo criminal for today from New Berlin, Wisconsin, at least did one thing right. He raised his kid to tell the truth. It seems bozo Scott Brown was caught on surveillance video at the local Walmart breaking into a jewelry case and stealing a number of items. The video also shows a security guard shadowing our bozo and listening as his six year old daughter told him several times to “stop breaking into the jewelry case.” Security also watched as our bozo shoplifted a few items from the toy area, stuffing them into his shorts. When he was stopped by security as he attempted to leave, his little girl blew the whistle on him one more time. Officers asked him how he got to the store since he doesn’t have a driver’s license. He told them they walked but his little girl promptly spoke up and pointed out their car in the parking lot. Oops. He’s been charged with theft and bail-jumping.

But I Really Wanted To Take a Quick Selfie!

Our bozo for today is not technically a criminal but his actions certainly qualify him as a bozo. From New York City comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was attending a performace of the Tony Award nominated play “Hand to God” when he noticed his cell phone was almost dead. So, he did what any phone loving bozo would do in such a situation, he jumped onstage and tried to plug his charger into an outlet that was part of the set. Our bozo was pulled from the stage and was escorted out. And his phone wouldn’t have charged anyway, the “outlet” is just fake prop.

Our bozo for today from Cape Coral, Florida, was busted with a little help from Mother Nature. Severe storms in the area resulted in a number of fires caused by lightning strikes. The cops responded to a call on SE 41 street after firemen clearing the area discovered something unusual . In the charred remains, the cops found a what appeared to be a large scale marijuana growing operation, with fifteen plants inside, seven more outised and a large suitcase filled with prepackaged pot. Like a bolt out of the blue, our bozo was busted!

Treed

Our bozos for today from Houston, Texas thought they were out of reach of the long arm of the law. They were wrong. Police officers tried to pull over a vehicle at around 2:15 A.M. Saturday but our bozos fled, leading the officers on a chase that ended when they crashed at the end of the street. They then jumped out of the car and fled on foot, disappearing into the darkness. Our bozos then spotted a large tree and quickly came up with the not so bright idea of climbing it, thinking they would be out of sight of the pursuing officers. Out of sight they may have been, but not out of scent of the K-9 officer that was also in hot pursuit. Both bozos were persuaded to climb down and now face felony evasion charges.

Up In the Air, It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…It’s a Drone!

For today we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Middleton, Wisconsin, comes the story of Marquis Perry who was on the run from the cops after it was reported he had stolen a car and robbed a BP gas station. The cops found the car abandoned near a local pond surrnounded by dense undergrowth. Instead of searching on foot, the cops took the fire department up on their offer to loan them an inflatable raft and a drone with a camera to help them. It wasn’t long before the camera spotted a pair of shoes and a large wad cash floating in the water, which led them to our bozo who was hiding nearby. He’s busted.

I Said Pull Back on the STICK!

Today we present a couple of members of the Bozo Mile High Club, but, as you will see, the reasons for their induction are different than what you might expect. A couple of pilots for the Argentine airline Austral Lineas Aereas learned that they had a Playboy model on board and, of course, they invited her into the cockpit. Unfortunately numerous selfies showed the model flying the plane and assisting the pilots during takeoff. Not good. They’ve been terminated and several passengers are considering lawsuits.