Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

First, Be Sure You Actually Know How To Drive a Paddleboat

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orlando, Florida. Cops were called at 3:45 am to a report of a man stranded on the fountain in Lake Eola. Further investigation found that our bozo had stolen one of the lake’s swan shaped paddle boats and then discovered he couldn’t steer it and wound up stranded on the island. Needless to say, alcohol was involved. He’s under arrest.

Doggone It, Mom, I Really Needed Some Clean Underwear

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Las Vegas, Nevada, where authorities were called to a report of a residence on fire. Firefighters were able to rescue an elderly woman from the home and that was when they found out the fire was the result of a bozo. The woman explained that she was tired of doing laundry for her no-good son and, after an argument over her refusal to wash his clothes, he started the fire. She directed them to a car nearby, where they found our bozo hiding underneath. He’s been charged with arson and attempted murder.

Hopefully She Was Using the Phone To Call Her Lawyer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Northport, New York, where bozo Diana Fletcher was scheduled to appear in court on a marijuana possession charge. We’re not sure, but maybe she was running late when she cut off an unmarked police car when she pulled into the parking lot, while talking on her cellphone. Strike one. She then pulled into a parking space clearly labeled as reserved for the Chief of Police. Strike two. Then, when she rolled down her window to talk to approaching police officers, marijuana smoke billowed out. Strike three. She’s been charged with a new marijuana possession charge as well as a charge of illegally using a cellphone while driving.

You Don’t Want To Mess With This Stuff, Yogi

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Jordan, Utah where our bozo apparently had plans for breaking into a residence. We say apparently, because he didn’t get very far. The homeowner had motion detectors installed and was awoken around 2:30 am. So he grabbed his trusty can of bear mace and sprang into action. He chased our bozo down the street, spraying him several times with the potent stuff intended to keep bears at bay. After the second spray, our bozo threw his hands up and dropped to the ground, where he remained until the police arrived.

Trump Couldn’t Reach Godzilla, So He Called This Guy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Parkland, Washington, where the cops were called to a report of a man standing in the middle of an intersection and waving an AK47 rifle. The man eventually laid down his weapon and was handcuffed after being tased. After being taken into custody he told the cops he had snorted methamphetamine to lose weight but then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he had been contacted by Donald Trump and told to fight the “lizard people”, and he had just stopped in the middle of the intersection to warn everyone. He added, “The meth doesn’t make me crazy man, the lizard people are real!’ After telling him the lizard people were “fake news”, he was taken in for evaluation.

So This Is What I Get For Being Polite?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle, Colorado, where bozo Jose Barrera was called before the judge for violating parole on a drug charge. As he approached the judge, he removed his hat. Wise move, right? Wrong. When he took off his hat, a wad of paper filled with cocaine fell to the floor. Big oopsie. After surveillance footage revealed the coke did indeed fall from our bozo’s cap, he was charged with narcotics possession.

Walk Out With Your Hands Up…On Second Thought, Keep Your Hands Down

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in New Delhi, India. Passengers on a public transportation bus felt threatened after our bozo did something that made them uncomfortable. So, maybe he pulled a gun? Nope? Waved a knife around? Nah. Sat down and removed his shoes and socks? Yep. The stench was so bad that passengers complained to the bus driver, forcing him to pull over. After our bozo refused to get rid of the stinky footwear, the cops were called and he was arrested, charged with “causing a public nuisance.”

Guess You Could Say He Found His Booty

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club and from the International File in Melbourne, Australia. Our bozo had obviously staked out his target before pulling off his heist. Security cameras show him pulling up in a white van with his face hidden by a ski mask. He then hacked at a security barrier with a fire extinguisher and bolt cutters before gaining entry. He went straight to his target, grabbed his prize and ran out the door. Oh, did we forget to tell you what his prize was? It was Dorothy, a lifelike $5000 sex doll. Police are on the lookout for a criminal with a big smile on his face.

Guess He Was Looking For An Early Christmas Present

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Worth, Texas. We all know that serving on a jury can cause stress for the people on trial, but it’s no picnic for the jurors either. It seems a female attorney switched from her “walking” shoes to her “heels” after entering the courthouse. In her haste, she forgot to pick up her walking shoes and left them behind. A juror who was on break saw the whole thing and must have really liked those shoes. He approached the shoes, and seeing no one around, grabbed them and stuffed them in his backpack. Unfortunately for him, the whole thing was caught on security cams. Guards approached him, and after a quick discussion, he agreed to hand them over. After considering ordering a mistrial, the judge reinstated the juror and no charges were filed.

And After That, He Planned to Replace All the Red Lights With Green Ones

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lianyungang, Jiangsu province, China. It seems our bozo was frustrated with delays on his daily commute so he thought he would take traffic control into his own hands. He painted over a left turn lane arrow and turned it into a “straight” arrow rather than a “left turn only” one. Bad idea. Police got wind of what was going on and caught him in the act. He’s been fined $151 and advised to find another route to work.

Game Over

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Staten Island, New York, where the midnight release of the video game Grand Theft Auto V was a big deal. And getting a copy before it sold out was priority one for our three bozos, who posed as police officers to cut into the front of the line of gamers waiting to purchase a copy. They had fake police badges and even drove up to the front of the mall in a fake police car with lights and sirens operating. Things went well at first…and then they left the mall, speeding away and making an illegal U-Turn. Unfortunately, they made that illegal turn right in front of an actual officer in an unmarked car. Oops. They’ve been charged with second-degree criminal impersonation, punishable by up to a year in jail.

Number One, You Can’t Do That

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where the police received a call of a man loitering in the Miners Reserve Nature Preserve. Upon arrival, the cops found the man to be hostile and attempted to place him under arrest. And that’s when he tried a bozo method to protect himself. After putting up a struggle, the man peed on one of the officers. Yikes! Not a good idea. He was cuffed and charged with possession of methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia.

Looks Like He Laid an Egg, Chief

The Bozo Criminal Report returns from a brief vacation with this story from the International File in Ottawa, Canada, where bozo Damien Richardson seemed to have a good plan. Knowing that marijuana can be sold in prison for up to 10 times its street value, our bozo acquired a good amount of pot and eight Kinder Surprise eggs. If you’re not familiar with these eggs, they are a chocolate treat that comes with a toy tucked inside, in a small, flexible yolk colored capsule. And due to their size and flexibility, they are one of the most popular ways to sneak contraband into jails by stuffing it up the old behind. Fully loaded with eggs, our bozo now had to find a quick way to get arrested, so he picked up a rock and threw it at a police cruiser. That did the trick and he was hauled off to jail. But there was one small detail he didn’t know about. Jail policy was to hold suspicious inmates in a “dry” cell, one without running water or plumbing, to see what might pass. And nature did indeed take its course as our bozo passed the eggs and one unfortunate guard had to collect them. He’s busted!

He Just Really, Really Needed a Job

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts, where Juan Lopez was on the run from the cops who had tried to question him on an assault and battery charge. He led them on a chase in his Toyota Camry, eventually losing them and ditching the Camry in a shopping center parking lot. It was at that point, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, that he walked into an Osprey Wireless store and asked if they were hiring. They were, and the manager took him into his office for an interview. It went well enough that the manager asked our bozo to fill out an application, which he was working on when the cops spotted the Camry in the parking lot. Next thing you know, there are cops and a K-9 officer checking out the area. The manager steps outside to see what is going on and when the cops explain what is going on, he tells them he has the guy they’re looking for inside. And there he was, still working on the application. Busted!

Must Have Been One Strong Roof!

Bozo criminals for today come from Jacksonville, Florida, where authorities are dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Irma. And one of the obvious problems is with looting, but this sets a new standard of bozo-ness. The cops were called by a concerned citizen who spotted our bozos driving down a city street with a metal utility pole precariously balanced on the roof of their SUV. Police speculate the pole was felled by Irma and our bozos were hoping to abscond with it to sell the metal for scrap. When questioned, our bozos said they were simply moving the pole to a safer location since they found it near the road. That didn’t fly. They’re under arrest.

No, You Don’t Get Time Off For Honesty

Our story for today, contributed by Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney, proves once again that honesty is not the best policy, especially if you’re a bozo. Cops in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, spotted bozo Rachel Tucker driving at a high rate of speed on a city street. When they pulled her over, she made it simple for them. When they asked her to take a field sobriety test, she replied, “I’m drunk.” And you’re busted!

Sure Hope the Safety Was On

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bloomington, Illinois, where bozo Anita Harris and a male companion were pulled over by the cops for speeding on I-55. A search of the car turned up heroin and Ecstasy. There was another bit of contraband that our bozo was able to conceal before the cops began her search, a .380 caliber handgun, weighing 13.4 ounces and with a barrel 5.6 inches long. Now, where would you hide such a weapon? In the glovebox? Nope. In your purse? Nah. Inside your, um, lady parts? Yep. A strip search at the jail turned up the weapon, which was very carefully removed. She’s under arrest, charged with narcotics possession and felony weapons possession.

A Hot Time In the Hot Tub

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mission Valley, California, where a bunch of cops were in town for a two-week specialized narcotics training course. After a busy day of training, three of the cops were relaxing in the hot tub at the Courtyard by Marriott where they were staying. That’s when bozo Andrew Harper walked up and struck up a conversation. He asked them the reason for their stay and one of the cops jokingly said that their crack lab had blown up. Our bozo then excitedly replied that he was in the drug business, too. One thing led to another and a sting was set up to purchase some cocaine and LSD from our bozo. He delivered. He’s busted!

Next Time Stick With the White Keds

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where our bozo seemed to have a good thing going, but she messed up and violated Bozo Rule Number 00464623: It’s usually a good idea to wear clothing that doesn’t call attention to yourself. Bozo Sheotia Lane covered her face with a burka style towel and walked into a bank and demanded cash. She got her money and exited. Employees told the cops about the towel and also that she was wearing a very bright pair of red and purple “retro style” Air Jordan shoes. Five days later, same outfit, different bank, again a successful robbery. Four days later, same outfit, different bank, again success. She should have quit while she was ahead as banks were now alerted to be on the lookout for those shoes. When she entered another bank four days later and asked the teller for a deposit slip, the teller was suspicious. She escorted her toward the entrance and then locked her out of the bank. And of course, since she was truly a bozo, she was still hanging around outside the bank when the cops arrived and immediately noticed a woman wearing “bright colored shoes.” They found a robbery note inside the bag and the burka style towels she had used in previous robberies. She’s busted!

I Forgot About Marmaduke…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Sonoma County, California, where the cops received a call from concerned citizen who reported an intruder inside his house. When they arrived they found a very upset 18-year old who said his dogs had started barking loudly and, fearing someone was inside, he gathered them up and took refuge downstairs. Guns drawn, the officers began to search the house, while a couple of other cops searched outside. Suddenly, one of the outside officers heard a sound…kind of a scratching noise. He shined his flashlight in the direction of the sound, expecting to find a burglar. Instead, he saw two ears sticking out of an upstairs skylight. Then a snout appeared and finally the head of a large dog. One of the owner’s dogs who had climbed up to an upstairs bedroom and was enjoying the view from the open skylight. Guess the owner didn’t take a full inventory of all his dogs before he called the cops. No charges were filed.