Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Freeze! And Drop the, Um Poop!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Montpelier, Vermont, where Matt Jacobs was upset over immigration policies. His main beef was with the Customs and Border Protection cops who he felt weren’t doing enough to arrest people working in the country illegally. When a border patrol agent went to our bozo’s farm to discuss his complaints, he got much more than he bargained for. His car was met by a spray of liquified manure from our bozo’s fertilizer spreader. Fortunately, the windows were up and the car took the brunt of the attack. He’s under arrest, charged with disorderly conduct and assault of a law enforcement agent with fluids.

Freeze! And Drop Your, Um, Hose!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Greenwich Village, New York, where the cops were called to a report of a naked man standing on the roof of a building. When they arrived, they found he was not only naked, but armed with a garden hose, which he squirted at the officers. After about three hours of negotiations, he was persuaded to put down the hose and surrender. He was taken into custody and checked into a hospital for evaluation.

At Least He Didn’t Ask For Change

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux City, Iowa, where bozo Dennis Swain walked into his local bank and made an unusual request. He presented the teller with a “million dollar bill” and asked that it be deposited into his checking account. The teller stalled for time while the cops were called. The police arrived and were questioning him when they heard paper rustling in his pants pocket. When they asked him if he had other million dollar bills, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag of methamphetamine. Oops. He’s busted!

But This Always Worked In Grade School

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bartow, Florida where bozo Marco Parker was arrested on an outstanding warrant, but he finally had landed a good job and he didn’t want his employer to find out. So, he did what any bozo would do. He had his girlfriend write him an excuse. She put a lot of effort into it, too, downloading a Polk Sheriff’s Office letterhead and then composing a letter saying he was on a special mission with the ATF Division of the Polk Sheriff’s Office. So, what was the problem? She should have used spell check. There were so many obvious grammatical errors and misspellings that there was no way the employer was going to believe it was a real letter. Also add in the fact that it was written in all capital letters and the person who “signed” the letter didn’t work for the sheriff’s office. Oops. Our bozo remains in custody. No word on the status of his job.

Out Through the In Door

Bozo criminal for today from Rockville, Maryland, violated Bozo Rule Number 858585: Use the “Exit” door. A man who had forgotten exactly where he parked his car in a multi-story parking garage was surprised to encounter it being driven in the wrong direction by our bozo, who was apparently trying to steal it. Our bozo drove up to an entrance gate but found it blocked by an arm that wouldn’t lift. The man asked him what he was doing and he tried to play it cool by saying the Mercedes was his wife’s car and he wasn’t sure how to drive it, even going as far as pretending to call her on his cell phone. Our bozo then gave up, got out of the car and simply walked away. He was nowhere to be found when the police arrived. The owner said, as far as he could determine, all our bozo got away with was seven dollars and two packs of Marlboros.

Don’t Forget To Flush

Bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0000001: Flush! It seems bozo Andrew Floyd broke into a residence in Thousand Oaks, California and left with some undetermined items. It was what he left behind that got him into trouble. Apparently our bozo felt the call of nature during the burglary and used the home’s bathroom, but didn’t flush before leaving. Yep, cops were able to do a DNA analysis of the fecal matter which turned up a DNA match for our bozo. He’s under arrest on suspicion of burglary.

I Demand a Re-Shoot

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cardiff, South Wales where the cops were looking for our bozo and resorted to a now common tactic, they posted a mug shot of him on Facebook, asking anyone who knew his whereabouts to please contact them. But the response they got was not the one they were expecting. You see, it was not the most flattering of pictures, and our bozo was a bit embarrassed by it. He contacted the police and worked out a deal where he would surrender if they would take down the mug shot. Done deal. Guess he didn’t realize the story would make the news and now his ugly picture has been seen worldwide.

Well, At Least He Was Clean

Bozo criminal comes from Hackensack, New Jersey, where our bozo burglar went a little too far in making himself at home. A 16-year-old, her 21-year-old sister, and her sister’s baby were home when our bozo burst through the front door at 9 am. They quickly called the cops and locked themselves in a bedroom while our bozo went about his business. And in this case his business involved taking off all his clothes, climbing into the shower and then heading to the kitchen to wash dishes. His was finishing off his kitchen chores when the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.

If He Could Have Just Applied a Coat of Turtle Wax

Our bozo today from Marshalltown, Iowa, was faced with a unique problem. He’d just stolen a bright yellow 1966 Ford GT 40 replica sports car. Needless to say, this was a unique vehicle that would attract a lot of attention. So, what to do to it to make it a little less conspicuous? Well, how about painting it? Flat black. With a roller. Didn’t work out as planned. Residents spotted bits of the car’s original yellow paint showing underneath the black and reported it to the cops. Our bozo is under arrest, charged with theft, possession of a controlled substance, drug paraphernalia and numerous traffic offenses.

A Really Good Day of Fishing Turns Bad

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Clarksville, Tennessee. Game wardens were called by a resident who reported two bozos trespassing on his property after fishing at Yellow Creek. The officers found the men to be in possession of 40 bass. The legal limit is five per person, so they were 30 fish over the limit. That in itself isn’t a story. It’s their bozo reaction to getting busted that insured their place in the Bozo Report. When confronted, they mooned the officer and then tipped over a portable toilet. Bad idea. They were placed under arrest on charges of illegal possession of wildlife and not having a life jacket.

Well, the Skies Aren’t That Friendly!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where our unidentified bozo boarded a Spirit Airlines flight bound for Oakland, California. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he removed all his clothes and approached a flight attendant. Not a good idea. Authorities were called and our naked bozo was hauled off the plane and given medical attention. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, including our bozo.

Not So Fast, Casper!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Jinjiang, Fujian province, China, where our bozo burglar was caught on surveillance video peeking his head around the corner in a building he was hoping to rob. Seeing the camera, he thought better and pulled back to revise his plan. About 20 minutes later, the man returned, this time dressed like a ghost, with a white curtain pulled down over his head and covering his body. Good idea, except for that first picture that the camera captured before he became a ghostly apparition. Cops used that picture to track him down and place him under arrest. And to add insult to injury, he didn’t actually manage to steal anything.

This Gives a Whole New Meaning to the Term “Suspicious Vehicle”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wethersfield, New York, where the cops were called to a report of a suspicious vehicle and even they were surprised at what they found. They discovered our bozo driving a car with no windshield, no doors, no license plate and with an ax embedded in the roof. Bozo Jared Parker offered no explanation for the car’s condition and then proceeded to fail a field sobriety test. He’s been charged with driving with ability impaired by drugs, numerous traffic infractions and driving without insurance.

Can I At Least Post the Picture Before You Lock Me Up?

Bozo criminal for today from Alpharetta, Georgia once again proves what we’ve always said, Bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination. Police pulled over our bozo for driving over 100 MPH on GA-400. According to the arresting officer, our bozo was “leaving all other traffic behind.” And his reason for speeding? He was trying to take a Snapchat picture of himself using a new app that prints the speed the user is traveling at the top of the photo. Bad idea. He’s been charged with reckless driving, speeding and using text based communications while driving.

I Get Those Three Letter Named Places Confused

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at the local AT&T store. When they arrived, our bozo had already left, but employees told them he had walked into the store and tried to order some fried chicken, apparently thinking he had walked into KFC. The police found him a few blocks away, stopped in the middle of an intersection, where he offered up the excuse that “his brakes were bad.” After failing a field sobriety test, he was taken into custody.

That Was Some Test Ride

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Bristol, England. Our bozo stole a bicycle and immediately put it up for sale on Facebook. What he wasn’t counting on was that the person he stole it from would spot the Facebook post and put into effect a cunning plan to get it back. She set up a meeting in a public place to take a look at the bike. During the meeting, she asked if she could take it for a test ride and handed him a set of keys and a pack of cigarettes to hold while she slowly pedaled off. After she got a few feet away, she took off pedaling as hard as she could, leaving our bozo holding the keys, which turned out to be to the lock he had cut to steal the bike in the first place. Police now have the name of the thief and are investigating.

I Swear It Wasn’t There a Minute Ago!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from Okaloosa County, Florida. Let’s review some do’s and dont’s for calling 911. An item is stolen from you, call 911. Good idea. You identify the stolen item as cocaine. Bad idea. When asked what you do for a living, you tell the cops you are a drug dealer. Even worse idea. You give the cops your location and when they arrive, they find the supposedly stolen cocaine in the center console of your car. Worst possible idea. He’s busted!

The Ultimate Punishment

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in this update to a story we had a while back. Remember the Kansas man who robbed a bank and then sat down in the lobby, telling the police that he would rather go to jail than be at home with his wife? Well, a judge had handed down his sentence and it sounds like something Judge Judy might have prescribed. Our bozo has been sentenced to six months…of home confinement! Yikes!

Well, That Could Have Made It Difficult to Steer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where the cops were called to a report of a man crashing his car into a parking garage. Upon arrival, the police did not detect the smell of alcohol in the vehicle nor did they find and drugs in the car. Our bozo did offer up the Excuse of the Week for what happened. He told the police that he took five generic Viagra pills when the bottle said to “only take one.” Well, that could do it. Police are waiting for blood test results before making a decision on what to charge him with.

He Shot Himself in the Foot. Really. And Check His Name

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s story from Hudson, Florida, where bozo Robert Trigger walked into a Dollar General Store. He had a 25-caliber handgun tucked into his belt and it came loose as he was walking through the store, falling to the floor and firing a round into his right foot. He left the gun on the floor and limped to the car and was driven to a nearby hospital by friends. End of story, right? Wrong. After the police checked on him, they discovered he had felony arrests dating to 2009. He’s now facing charges of possessing a firearm as a felon. Busted!