Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But I Really, Really Need That ID

Our bozo for today comes from Norfolk County, Canada, where our underage bozo wanted a fake ID. So, he went online and found someone selling them. He gave him an undisclosed amount of money and all his personal information. And then he waited. And waited. And when it didn’t arrive, he did what any bozo would do. He called the cops to tell them that his fake ID never arrived. Sorry, kid, we can’t help you on that one. They cops are trying to track down the crook and have warned our bozo to be more careful in the future.

Cuff ‘Em!

Our bozo report this morning comes from Portland, Oregon, where they have a bike theft problem. A BIG bike theft problem, apparently. So big that the Portland police department has a special Bike Theft Task Force. One of the officers, who ride bikes themselves, parked his bike in front of the Multnomah County Courthouse and, since he had forgotten his U-Lock, used his handcuffs to secure the bike to the rack. Bad idea. When he returned an hour and a half later, he found his bike gone and the handcuffs dangling from the bike rack. Oops. Anyone spotting a blue bike with a “Police” logo on the side is asked to contact the police department.

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Dolly

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wallaroo, South Australia, where new home construction presented an opportunity our bozo just couldn’t resist. He needed a new dishwasher so he grabbed himself a two wheel dolly and headed down to where new homes were being built. Security footage shows him with a dishwasher loaded on his dolly as he rolls it out of the house. And instead of rolling down the driveway to the street he instead chooses to use the sidewalk. When he attempts to roll off the curb to the street, the dishwasher falls off the dolly, leaving him struggling to pick it back up. Using the video footage, police hope to make an arrest soon.

Well, I’ve Gotta Decide If I Like It

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wyandotte, Michigan. A police officer noticed the vehicle had a yellow registration tab and, when he could find no record of it in his computer, he pulled the driver over. When he asked for drivers license, registration and proof of insurance, our 32-year old bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she could not provide proof of registration because she was “test driving the car.” And just how long have you been test driving it, ma’am? A couple of months. Oh. A quick check found nine current suspensions and two driving with license suspended convictions within the past seven years. The Vehicle Identification Number came back with no plate information. The driver also had multiple warrants out of several jurisdictions. She was arrested for being a repeat offender of driving with license suspended, as well as for driving an unregistered motor vehicle.

With a Tasty Snack Like That, You’ve Gotta Wash It Down With Something

Bozo Criminal for today from Vero Beach, Florida, walked into a 7-Eleven and went shopping. He picked up a jumbo chicken bacon ranch sandwich and a 4-pack of 16 ounce containers of Colt 45 malt liquor. For those of you keeping track, that’s a half-gallon of brew. He then walked right by the clerk without paying. Carrying such a heavy load, it’s not surprising that he didn’t get very far. The cops found him nearby hiding in some bushes. One of the Colt 45s was open. No word on the sandwich.

But At Least He Won’t Be Charged With Speeding

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenville, South Carolina, where 86-year-old bozo George Wilson walked into a bank wearing white gloves and a ski mask. He pointed a gun at the teller and demanded cash. He got his money and made his getaway. Well, sort of. Keep in mind his age. He got into his getaway vehicle but, according to cops, he drove too cautiously to make a quick getaway. He was pulled over less than one mile from the bank.

He Used an Acme Gas Can

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Exeter, England, where security cameras a synagogue caught everything. Our bozo, who is a self-proclaimed Nazi, is seen walking up to the synagogue with a hammer and breaking a window. He then walks back to his van and returns with a can of gasoline. He pours the gas into the broken window, not paying much attention to the gas that is leaking down to the ground and onto him. He then places the can on the ground, gets out a lighter and, in a scene that would have made Wylie Coyote proud, is completely blown back from the window by a wave of flame. He runs away, with his cap and sleeves still burning. Using video footage, including the license plate of his van, the cops quickly placed him under arrest. The synagogue received damage but was saved.

Drop the Sticky Bun and Step Away From the Counter

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Madison, Wisconsin. Bozo Shyla Blair walked into a convenience store, opened a pack of Combos pretzels, and ate them while also grabbing a package of beef sticks and some cookies and stuffing them into her coat. The clerk confronted her as she approached the counter. Our bozo then grabbed a sticky bun and threw it at the clerk, who returned fire by throwing the bun back at our bozo. A witness outside the store noticed what was going on and flagged down the cops, who quickly defused the potentially sticky situation. Busted! Charged with disorderly conduct, resisting/obstructing, felony bail jumping and four warrants.

You Can’t Win If You Don’t…Cheat!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in this doozy from Flowood, Mississippi. Our bozos cooked up what they thought was a foolproof plan to win big in the state lottery. They presented a scratch off ticket that looked like a $100,000 winner. The winning numbers were there…but…something wasn’t right. Upon further inspection, the clerk discovered the winning numbers had been glued on to the ticket. Oops. They’ve been charged with Conspiracy to Commit and Uttering Counterfeit Instrument over $1,000, punishable for 20 years in prison and a $50,000 fine.

Next Time Hang One Of Those Trees On Your Mirror

No real criminal activity involved here, but this one from the International File in Halifax, West Yorkshire, England, contains plenty of Bozo. Apparently our unidentified bozo felt that his car smelled funky so he sprayed a large amount of air freshener inside. Good plan, right? Wrong. After spraying, he got inside and immediately lit a cigarette. Witnesses said they heard a “tremendous bang” and saw the car’s windows shatter and nearby buildings shake. Miraculously, our bozo escaped with only minor injuries, but the car is a total loss. But at least it smells fresh.

At Least He Knows His Shortcomings

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jefferson County, Colorado, where bozo Todd Schafer was caught by a homeowner as he was trying to break into a car. The homeowner called the cops but our bozo fled before they arrived. However, just minutes later, the cops found our bozo a short distance away, again trying to break into a truck. The cops arrested him but his story doesn’t end there. After he bonded out of jail, the cops again were called to a report of an attempted vehicle break-in. When they arrived, they once again found our bozo attempting to steal a car. As he was placed under arrest, he made this admission to the cops, “I really suck at this.” We agree. He remains in jail.

Well, Since She Was Professional, Maybe She Was Trying To Break a Record

Bozo criminal for today comes from Omaha, Nebraska, where our unidentified female bozo was pulled over by the cops for speeding. After noticing the smell of alcohol coming from the car, the officer asked the woman to take a breathalyzer test. Replying that she had “had very little to drink”, our bozo complied, and blew a whopping .256. As a point of reference, .08 is considered legally drunk in Nebraska. Undaunted, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she was not impaired because she was “a professional drinker.” No matter, she was booked and joined the amateurs in jail on charges of DUI.

Happy New Year! You’re Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Saginaw, Michigan, where police received a report of “consistent celebratory gunfire” coming from a residence on New Year’s Eve. When the cops paid the homeowner a visit, they found much more than they expected. Our bozo met the cops at the door of his home, gun in hand. After ordering him to the ground, a search found multiple shell casings, ammunition, several handguns and three long guns. And they discovered one more thing…our bozo was a convicted felon on parole. Oops. He’s busted! Charged with parole violation, felon in possession of a firearm, felony firearm, and reckless discharge of a firearm. Our bozo celebrated the rest of his new year in jail.

I Failed? Well I’ll Be Doggone!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pineville, Kentucky, where bozo Julie Malone was due to visit her probation officer. And, per terms of her probation, she was required to submit a urine sample. Since she had been using the painkiller Suboxone, she knew she would fail the test, so she did what any bozo would do. She submitted urine from her dog. Let me repeat that…she collected a urine sample from her dog and presented it as hers. Not surprisingly, it didn’t pass. Busted and jailed, charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and tampering with physical evidence.

My Rights To Steal Were Violated!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk J Schenato for sending in today’s report from Largo, Florida, where bozo Jerry Blake walked into a Publix supermarket. After taking a look around, he grabbed a 24 bottle case of Budweiser and headed for the door, bypassing the checkout lane. When confronted by store security, he said, “You got me,” and dropped the beer, causing it to shatter on the floor. He then proceeded to simply walk out of the store. After he left, the more he thought about the incident, the madder he got. Within a few minutes, he was back inside, irate, and demanding to speak to the manager. When he began to chase employees around the store, a Pinellas County Sheriff’s deputy took notice and took him to the ground. Still, he continued to complain and resist, this time spitting on the deputy. Bad idea. Busted! Charged with obstructing or resisting an officer without violence, simple assault (two counts), battery of a law enforcement officer (two counts), resisting an officer with violence, and felony petit theft

Hey, These Presents Are Really Light!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pullman, Washington, where our bozo, identified only as a 20-year-old Washington State University student, was booked on suspicion of underage drinking. When he was released, he noticed a lovely Christmas tree with wrapped presents underneath it in the lobby of the police station. It was just too much temptation for our bozo to resist. Security footage shows him picking up an armload of presents as he headed for the door. It didn’t take him long to realize that what he had picked up were simply empty boxes, just wrapped to make a nice holiday display. Footage also shows him tossing the boxes back toward the police station in frustration. Cops say since he stole nothing of value no further charges will be filed. Consider that your Christmas gift from the police department!

Well, Maybe He Just Really, Really Didn’t Like the Picture

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverside, California, where the annual Festival of Lights celebration was in full swing. Our bozo approached a caricature artist and asked him to sketch a portrait of him. We’re not sure whether or not our bozo liked the portrait, but instead of taking it, he grabbed the artist’s money bag and fled with around $500 in cash. Police have a nice portrait of a bozo with exaggerated features and an oversized head to use as they try to identify our thief.

Guess Who’s Spending Christmas in Jail

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sparta, Wisconsin, where a family came home and noticed their dog barking in front of the closet door. When they tried to open the door and couldn’t, they noticed fingers reaching out from under the door, holding it shut. And that’s when our bozo shouted out “Ho, Ho, Ho,” and warned the family not to ruin their Christmas surprise by opening the door. Figuring this wasn’t Santa in the closet, they called 911. When they cops arrived, they found no one inside the closet but did discover footprints in the snow leading from the home to a garage next door. Officers got the entry code for the garage door and when they opened it, someone inside hit the button to close it. This happened several times until one officer was able to distract our bozo, allowing the cops inside. Our would be Santa was busted and charged with suspicion of trespassing and resisting or obstructing an officer.

He Should Have Picked a Hybrid

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart, Indiana, violated Bozo Rule Number 112292: If you’re going on the run from the cops, it’s a good idea to have a full tank of gas. Police received a call from a man who said his car had been stolen. Authorities were able to track it using the car’s GPS and a chase ensued. The suspect fled out of Indiana and into Michigan when suddenly he began slowing down and finally came to a complete stop. Yep, our bozo car thief had failed to check the gas gauge and was out of fuel. Busted! And since he fled across state lines, he’s facing charges in both states.