Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Do These Sunglasses Make Me Look Dumb?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where an unidentified bozo broke into a vehicle. He rummaged around until he spotted something partially obscured by a piece of paper. He moved the paper,and, voila! He found just what he was looking for…an old pair of sunglasses. He grabbed the glasses and made a successful getaway. This story would not have merited mention in the Bozo Report except for one small thing. That piece of paper he moved to pick up the glasses was an old lottery ticket. But not just any ticket. This one was worth $1 million in the Powerball drawing. The car’s owner’s hadn’t noticed it was a winner until they took a closer look after our bozo’s break in. That’ll buy a lot of sunglasses.

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingy, Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Somerset County, Maine, where our bozo had a good thing going. He would randomly dial numbers in the area and claim to be calling on behalf of the grand jury, saying that the recipient had missed jury duty and would be arrested if he didn’t pay a fine or make a “donation” to the Sheriff’s Department. He would arrange to then personally pick up the money. Of course there was no such policy set up by the police department. Things were going well until he dialed the private line of a Maine state trooper, who told him he knew this was a scam and if he called again he would be arrested. Guess what? He called again. Bad idea. Officers tracked down the number and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Hey, These Are Even Better Than Oreos!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York. Bozo Sebastian Clark was an enterprising chef who wanted to expand his business. It was his particular brand of cuisine that got him into trouble. Bozo Clark specialized in pot cookies, which he sold for $10 a pop. He initally sold them on Craigslist but they turned out to be so popular he decided to expand and opened a “shop.” The “shop” was some bushes at the end of a dead end street near his home. Not the best location, but it worked. It worked so well, in fact, that the neighbors got suspicious and called the cops. A sting was set up and an undercover officer purchased one of his tasty treats which led to our Bozo Comment of the Week. As he was being placed under arrest, our bozo is reported to have said, “Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.” Most likely he won’t be allowed to practice his chef skills in jail.

Hey, When You Press This Button a Nice Woman Answers!

Bozo criminal for today from Lindale, Texas violated Bozo Rule Number 3389038: Teach your children to never prank call 911, especially if you’re a drug dealer. Police responding to a 911 call at a residence arrived to notice a strong smell of marijuana wafting from inside the house and three children playing outside. Inside they found several bricks of marijuana valued at more than $8000. Busted!

Must Have Been One Nice Hat

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eastlake, Ohio, where our unidentified 18-year-old bozo ran a red light and the cops gave chase. He then pulled his car into a driveway, jumped out and ran off, with the cops in hot pursuit. He was pretty fleet afoot and managed to give the officers the slip. But, in the best tradition of bozo criminals, he returned to the scene of the crime…to retrieve his hat which he had lost when he jumped out of the car. Bad idea. The cops were still there. He’s under arrest.

This Is Definitely Not a Solution To Our Unemployment Problem

Bozo criminal for today from Norfolk, Virginia, needed a job. Really, really, needed a job. He walked into the local McDonalds and asked the manager for an application. The manager explained to him twice that the application process was handled online. Apparently, our bozo needed that job NOW, so he lifted his shirt to show a gun tucked in his waistband. The manager asked our bozo to sit, printed a paper application and called the cops. The only job he got is pushing a broom at the county jail.

But I Really, Really Missed My Girlfriend

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Pleasant Grove, Utah. Bozo Phillip Rodriguez’s girlfriend was in jail and he didn’t have the money for bail, so he took a bozo approach to getting her out. His first mistake was telling his relatives that he was going to rob the local credit union. A member of the family tipped off the cops just as the robbery was taking place. His second mistake was choosing a credit union just blocks away from the police department. His third mistake was fleeing on foot wearing a very obvious disguise, including a wig, fake beard and bushy eyebrows. Needless to say, he stuck out like a sore thumb to the officers as they were headed to the scene of the crime. He’s busted!

“Bob Who?”

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Haven, Connecticut, where a woman reported a break-in at her home at about 2:30 a.m. Monday. She told the cops she heard someone in the hallway and, without thinking, asked who was there. Our bozo also replied without thinking, as he shouted back, “Bob.” He then fled out the back door. Neither the homeowner or anyone in the apartment knows “Bob.” Nothing appears to have been stolen and the investigation continues.

But the Car Was Really, Really Dirty

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wakefield where our unidentified bozo had a very dirty car. So he took it to the local carwash and had it cleaned? Nope? Maybe grabbed a garden hose and gave it a quick rinse off? Nah. Drove down to the big fountain downtown and got himself a free wash from the fountain jets? Yep. He didn’t complete the rinse cycle, however, as the cops saw what was going on and stopped the whole thing. Police have not decided what to charge our bozo with but say the incident is “not acceptable and will not be tolerated.”

But, Honey, I Really Love That Bear!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Augusta, Maine, where bozo Justin Lewis broke into one of his neighbor’s homes and stole several items, including eight Build-a-Bear gift cards. And he might have gotten away with it, too, except for one small thing. He gave those gift cards to his wife who used them to order a bear online that was sent to his home address. The cops were tracking the stolen cards and our bozo was busted!

Um, That’s A Coonskin, Not A Bearskin Cap That Davy Wears

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 9272720: Do not chase bears through the woods with a dull hatchet, drunk. Police in North Adams, Massachusetts were called to a report of a man wandering the woods carrying a hatchet. When they found our would be Davy Crockett he explained that he was hunting bears. Since there are an estimated 4500 bears roaming the state, our bozo was taken into “protective custody” until he sobered up.

Rule Number One: Make Sure Your Ex Doesn’t Have a Spare Set Of Keys

Our story for today comes from the Woman Scorned department of the International File in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. A woman there was furious over the fact that her ex-husband was getting remarried. So, she enlisted the help of her brother to steal her husband’s vehicle on his wedding night. And her revenge didn’t stop there. He proceeded to drive the car through every red light he could find, racking up $80,000 worth of red light camera fines, which, of course, she assumed would be billed to her ex. Unfortunately a YouTube video of her escapades went viral and he plan was foiled.

And You’re Going To Need a Really Big Parking Lot

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Jeff Mason bought a blank check off a homeless guy for $100. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he accepted the homeless guy’s explanation that he could fill out the check for any amount he wanted and cash it at the local bank. Thinking he wanted to either go big or go home, our bozo filled out the check to “cash” in the amount of $368,000,000,000. Yep, that’s 368 billion dollars. In small bills, please. Needless to say, the tellers at the local Bank of America were suspicious and called the cops. Our bozo then explained how he came to have the check, but it was what he was going to use it for that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he was 10 percent Italian and he wanted to open “the best Italian restaurant on earth.” But he didn’t stop there. He went on to explain that the restaurant would be “80 million square feet” and able to accomodate 30 million eaters at once. Oh, and it was going to be “totally underwater so people could look at sharks while they ate.” Unfortunately, this dining palace will never be built as he was arrested on forgery charges and drug possession.

But It Was Really Tasty Macaroni Salad!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jake Tiefel for sending in today’s report from Mount Morris, New York, where the Build-A-Burger restaurant reported a burglary. They told the cops that their cash register, the surveillance system and a large bowl of macaroni salad had been taken in a robbery early Sunday morning. The cops searched the area, and on a nearby hiking path they found cash register parts, surveillance system parts, rubber gloves, loose change and “a steady trail of macaroni salad.” As you might imagine, the trail led directly to our bozos who have now been charged with burglary, criminal mischief and grand larceny.

You Mean This Isn’t a Gas Mask?

Bozo criminal for today from Beaver, West Virginia, violated Bozo Rule Number #73663: Stay away from noxious clouds of gas. Bozo Michael Moseley walked into a pharmacy wearing full camoflage and a paintball mask. He then started spraying pepper spray all around in an attempt to incapaitate the staff. It worked, maybe too well, because security footage caught out bozo walking into the gas cloud and immediately going down himself. He then gave up his quest fof cash and staggered out of the business and got into a vehicle. Police were able to track down the car and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Land Ho!

Our bozo criminals for today had a plan for living the good life, they just forgot one important detail. From Morro Bay, California, comes the story of bozos Mark Norman and Martin Gonzalez who stole a sailboat from a dock in the harbor with plans to live the good life on the high seas. Only problem, neither one of them really knew how to sail. Not surprisingly, they didn’t get very far before losing control of the 20-foot vessel and beaching it on a sand bar. After their attempts to free the boat failed, they did what any bozo would do, they called the cops for help. They’ve been charged with felony grand theft.

Sure, Officer, Come On In

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lauderhill, Florida, where bozo James Pointer was arrested by the cops on a burglary charge. Turns out he was only a minor bozo in this case, as he offered the cops a tip about a much bigger bozo. After confessing to burglarizing a home, he told the cops he thought something suspicious was going on there, as there was a lot of “stuff” inside. The cops went over and, after telling the homeowner they were investigating the burglary, they were invitied in. And they couldn’t believe what they saw, all laying out in plain sight. 314 credit cards, gift cards and pre-paid debit cards. Also designer clothing, jewelry, flat screen TVs, Sony Playstation 4s and Apple iPads. He’s busted!

Um…Where’s the “Unlike” Button?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which absolutely, positively gives us proof that bozos and social media don’t mix. Bozo Levi Roberts was wanted by the Great Falls, Montana cops on felony charges of forgery in which he’s suspected of stealing a wallet and personal checks. The cops posted a mugshot of our bozo on their Crimestoppers Facebook page. And what did our bozo then do? He “liked” the picture, of course. Bad idea. The cops tracked him down and he’s now under arrest.

And Just Before He Got Stuck, He Said, “Hey Watch This!”

Bozo criminal for today found himself in a rather unusual predicament which ultimately led to his arrest. Police in Seattle, Washington, were called to a park with a report of a man in distress. Even the cops weren’t expecting what they found. A shirtless bozo, with a hammer in his hand, hanging upside down from a basketball hoop with his foot stuck in the netting. Firefighters were called and our bozo was freed. It’s still not known how he ended up in such a fix, but he was taken into custody and may face charges. A police spokesman said he could be arrested for property destruction, or at least goal-tending.

Well, I Wondered Why the Tip Was Orange…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Seattle, Washington. A woman was taking a smoke break outisde a bar when our unidentified bozo approached and asked to bum a cigarette. When she told him that one was all she had, he pulled out a gun and pointed it at her. Guess he didn’t realize the gun had an orange tip, which indicated to the observant woman that the gun was a fake. She then ripped the gun out of his hand, threw it over a fence and returned to the bar. Once inside, she told the story to other bar patrons, one of whom became angry and went outside looking for our bozo. He found him and our frightened bozo ran away, screaming for someone to call 911. His attempted victim obliged, the cops arrived, and our bozo was placed under arrest.