Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But He Sounded So Vicious

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cape Town, South Africa where surveillance cameras caught our bozo criminal as he prowled around the back yard of a residence. Then you see him fleeing in terror and leaping over the fence to make his excape. Finally, the source of his fear comes into the frame. A tiny Yorkshire terrier, weighing no more than six pounds. Police are looking for a thief with cynophobia, the fear of dogs.

Oh Thank Heaven

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report. Police in Virginia Beach, Virginia, intercepted a shipment of marijuana going to a residence. The cops replaced the pot with a note signed by “Mike” saying that he had the pot and the addressee could get it back for a “little cash.” The note also provided a phone number to call, which our bozo of course did, setting up to meet “Mike” at the local 7-Eleven. Instead of getting his pot, our bozo got six months in jail.

How Much For This Old Broken VCR?

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 337684: If you’re passing counterfeit bills, be careful who you give them to. Our unidentified bozo from Kittanning, Pennsylvania, had printed up some fake twenties on a copier and thought there would be no safer place to pass them than at a yard sale. Might have been a good idea except for one small thing. The yard sale he picked was being held by a woman whose day job is…bank teller! She quickly spotted the fake bills and called the cops. He’s been charged with forgery and theft.

Step One. Be Sure You Actually Know How To Drive It

Bozo criminal for today comes from Harrison, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Russell had a little too much to drink at a local bar. So he called a cab to get home safely? Nope. Maybe asked one of the more sober patrons to drive him? Nah. Went outside, stole a bulldozer and drove it home, leaving a path of destruction behind him? Yep. Police say he leveled signs, three benches, a tree, a drinking fountain and left a maze of bulldozer tracks in the grass. Needless to say, it wasn’t difficult for the cops to track him down. He’s been charged with DUI, criminal mischief, leaving the scene of a crime and theft of a bulldozer.

Must Have Been a Very Poor Mask

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Brockton, Massachusetts. A woman was robbed at gunpoint by three men who burst into her apartment. It was when she made a positive ID on one of the suspects that he revealed his true identity as a bozo. When she picked him out of a lineup, he blurted out, “How could she tell it was me? I had a mask on!” Busted!

What’s the Saying, “Clothes Make the Bozo”?

Bozo criminal for today comes from London, Kentucky, where 37 year-old Deborah Ward was taken into arrest as part of a drug investigation. She, along with her male companion, was found to be in possession of 3,37 grams of crystal meth as well as a pair of digital scales. This in itself would not be newsworthy. It was her wardrobe choice that ultimately landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. When she was arrested she was wearing an “I [heart] Crystal Meth” T-shirt. Busted!!

She Was Waiting For Barbie and Her Friends to Show Up For the Party

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ryan Winkey for sending in today’s report. Police in Spokane Valley, Washington, were called to the local post office after a report of a break-in. Upon arrival, just after 5:30 a.m., they found bozo Jackie Horton rummaging through the mail and looking at the postal uniforms. It was after she was questioned that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she didn’t do anything wrong because the post office “looked like a movie set” and she was just “playing house” with the uniforms and didn’t intend to steal anything. Didn’t work. She faces federal charges of breaking into a postal facility.

Is This the “Free” Parking Lot?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tijuana, Mexico, where bozo Sylvia Martinez was trying to sneak 27 pounds of meth into the United States. Things were going well, as the security guards at the border crossing only did a quick check of her Ford Focus before clearing her to pass. Then, things took a wrong turn, or rather, our bozo did. Immediately after crossing the border, our bozo took a hard right and turned into what we must assume she thought was a large parking lot. In fact, she turned into the “inspection lot” where Customs agents do a more thorough check of selected vehicles. Oops. She’s been placed under arrest on charges of felony drug importation.

Hey, You Could Put An Eye Out With That!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Darmstadt, Germany, where our unidentified bozo used a rather unusual weapon to pull off a robbery. She walked into a pharmacy and began looking at the store’s selection of breast pumps. She took one of them to the counter and gave the clerk some cash to pay for it. As he opened the register to make change, our bozo whipped out one of her breasts and squirted milk at the pharmacist. While he was temporarily blinded, she made away with $127 in cash. The cops are looking for a woman with what is described as a “robust” figure.

Unbeweaveable

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Raleigh, North Carolina. The cops were called to a downtown night club on a report of a disturbance and bozo Lizette Barker was taken into custody. Before being booked, she asked to go to the bathroom and when she returned, one of the deputies noticed something strange about the way she was walking. Her head seemed to be leaning to one side. Upon further investigation the cause of the “lean” was found. Our bozo had concealed a handgun in her hair weave. Bad idea. She’s been charged with possession of a stolen firearm and resisting arrest.

Congratulations, Sir, You’re Pregnant

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File where a bus driver in Egypt was nervous about an upcoming drug test at his job. So, instead of submitting his own urine sample, he obtained one from his wife. What he didn’t know was that his wife was two months pregnant, which of course showed up in the drug screen. Oops. He’s looking for another job.

At Least He Didn’t Try To Hide It In His Pants

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Anthony Brown walked into a lawn maintenance store and asked the clerk for change from a dollar. While the clerk was getting the change, our bozo was seen picking up a chainsaw and attempting to stuff it under his shirt. He then walked out of the store with the barely concealed saw and attempted to flee the scene on his bicycle. As you can imagine, this was not a high speed exit and our bozo was caught by a store manager on foot, who held him down until the cops arrived. He’s been charged with theft of both the chainsaw and the bicycle.

We Wouldn’t Advise Cooking Them Either

We can’t find any real criminal activity in today’s report, but the sheer level of Bozo-ness makes it worthy. A bomb squad was called to a Postal Service facility in Carlsbad, California, after employees heard a ticking sound coming from a package. Fearing the worst, homes in the area were evacuated and the suspect package was taken to a grassy area and blasted with the disposal squad’s robot water cannon. It was then that the source of the ticking sound was discovered, and it wasn’t a bomb. Inside the package…a bunch of Mexican jumping beans, which make a clicking sound when exposed to warmth. No word on the fate of the beans.

Hey, Look Who Got Indicted, Er, We Mean Inducted!

A special note to all my loyal Bozo friends! Yours truly got inducted into the Texas Radio Hall of Fame this weekend! For some reason they failed to mention the Bozo Report in my induction video but feel free to go check it out if you want. On Facebook at Texas Radio Hall of Fame. Link to video https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10204289312945627&set=o.312857592118951&type=2&theater
Dave

Jared Never Offered a Get Your Money Back Guarantee

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Hueytown, Alabama. And while we don’t usually editorialize, your Bozo Report Editors can certainly sympathize with our bozo’s frustrations. Zachary Tucker, 18, was arrested by the cops and charged with robbing four Subway restaurants in the area. It was under questioning that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had been trying to lose weight by using the “Jared diet” at Subway and, after failing, he decided to rob the restaurants in an effort to “get his money back.” He’ll get to try the Jailhouse Diet next.

Fetch!

Our bozo for today from Prattville, Alabama, once again proves that the old adage about a dog being man’s best friend does not apply in the Bozo Universe. Our story begins as two drug officers arrive at the home of Edward Harper, armed with a search warrant. Our bozo sees the cops and takes off running, leaving his dog Bo behind in the house. One of the cops pointed at Harper and told Bo to “go get him” and that’s just what he did. When Bo stopped and began to wag his tail in the tall grass, the cops knew they had found their suspect. He’s been charged with failure to obey police and drug possession. Good boy!

Wile E. Finally Catches Something

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report form Rock Island County, Illinois. Bozo Daniel Raymond was under arrest for burglary when he complained of heart issues and was taken to the hospital. While there, even though he was handcuffed to the bed and was wearing only a hospital gown, he somehow managed to escape. The cops were still looking for him when, later in the evening, when they received a strange 911 call. The man on the call said he was being chased by about 30 coyotes and was using a stick to fend them off. The police were dispatched to the scene whereupon our bozo was recognized as an escapee and placed back under arrest.

How Else Could I Know If It’s Really Waterproof?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Exeter, England. Police were called to a health club after a report of a recording device in the women’s shower. The police discovered a cell phone being used to record the bathing ladies and were able to track down the phone’s owner who offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he only placed the phone in the women’s shower as a test to see if it was actually waterproof. Since he didn’t have an explanation of why he also hit the “record” button, he was placed under arrest.

Maybe He Should Have Stolen Some Nicorette, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Paul Kelly held up a bank and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. As you might expect, robbing a bank is nerve-wracking and you might need a cigarette to calm down after it was all over. Apparently that’s what happened to our bozo. Unfortunately, he had no cigarettes on him so he stopped and asked a construction worker if he could bum one off him. This brief encounter was enough for the cops to obtain a description of our bozo, which led to his arrest. He’s been sentenced to 10 years.

And Next He Was Going To Give Him a Wedgie

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where bozo Riley Taylor boarded the downtown “drunk bus” after an evening of drinking at several bars. Once on board, he decided to have a little fun with a uniformed police officer who was providing security. Our bozo walked up behind him, licked both fingers and inserted them into the police sergeant’s ears, performing a “wet willie.” Not a good idea. Charges of assault with bodily fluids were dropped after our bozo showed remorse, pled guilty and apologized.