Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Final Score: Vacuum Cleaner 1, Bozos 0

From the International File in Berlin, Germany, comes the story of two armed bozos who attempted to hold up a convenience store. The clerk was apparently not frightened by the gun our bozo was toting and picked up a weapon of her own. A vacuum cleaner. Yep, she switched on the store’s Hoover and pointed the hose attachment at them. Fearing they might get sucked into the dust bin our bozos fled empty handed.

And His Favorite Beer Is…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Millersville, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a local farm after a report of a tresspasser. Even the cops who thought they had seen everything were surprised by what they found. 64-year-old bozo Larry Hansen was naked, drunk, and rolling around with the pigs in the farmer’s hog barn. When the cops asked him what he was doing, he simply replied, “I just like pigs.” He’s been charged with tresspassing, public drunkenness and indecent exposure. Appropriately enough, the cops report our bozo had a six pack of Hamm’s beer with him at the time of his arrest.

But Obama Said…

Bozo criminal for today from Kingsport, Tennessee could be the world’s worst counterfeiter. Bozo Pam Dawson tried to use a fake $5 bill at a local grocery store. The clerk immediately noticed something was amiss. It appeared to have been printed on computer paper and each side had been glued together. The cops were called and found a $100 bill in her purse that was also counterfeit, printed in black and white and the back of the bill was printed upside down. The cops also discovered a receipt for a printer and copy paper in her purse. It was her excuse for counterfeiting the money that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She said she read online that President Obama had created a law allowing anyone to print their own money. More specifically she said, “I don’t give a ****, all these other b****** get to print money, so I can, too.” She’s been charged with counterfeiting.

ATM? What ATM?

The plan: Steal backhoe, use backhoe to steal ATM, load ATM into back of truck, make clean getaway. Good plan, but the plan should have included a tarp to cover the ATM. From Winter Haven, Florida comes the story of bozos Francisco Herrera and Jesus Ramirez who came up with this bright idea. They stole the backhoe from a worksite near the bank and successfully uprooted the ATM and loaded it into the back of their heavy duty pickup. What they didn’t count on was the automatic alarm that went off when the ATM was removed. And they obviously didn’t think about trying to cover it up, either, as they were spotted by the cops a short distance away, with the ATM in plain view in the back of the truck. It was when the cops were questioning them that they came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told the cops they were out collecting scrap metal and had “no idea” how an ATM ended up in the bed of their truck. Sorry, the cops aren’t buying that one. They’ve been charged with grand theft.

Sic Transit Bozo

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salem, Massachusetts where bozo Pierre Fontaine needed to take a ride on a public transit bus but had no money for the fare. However, he noticed a conductor sit down a bag full of fare money she had just collected on a seat nearby. So, he did what any bozo would do, he stole the bag. The conductor got suspicious when she asked our bozo for his fare and he pulled out a large roll of cash. That, coupled with the fact that her collection bag was missing led her to call the cops. Our bozo admitted to the police that he’d taken the money and is due to appear in court next week. No word if he ever made it to his destination.

A Lotta Bull!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arab, Alabama, where bozo Brad Harrison was being sought by the cops in connection with a burglary. When they approached our bozo, he fled, seeking refuge in a nearby cow pasture. Bad idea, as the cow pasture was guarded by one very protective bull, who joined in the chase. Our bozo tried to make his getaway but became ensnared in a barbed wire fence. He’s under arrest.

From the Mouths of Babes

Bozo criminal for today from New Berlin, Wisconsin, at least did one thing right. He raised his kid to tell the truth. It seems bozo Scott Brown was caught on surveillance video at the local Walmart breaking into a jewelry case and stealing a number of items. The video also shows a security guard shadowing our bozo and listening as his six year old daughter told him several times to “stop breaking into the jewelry case.” Security also watched as our bozo shoplifted a few items from the toy area, stuffing them into his shorts. When he was stopped by security as he attempted to leave, his little girl blew the whistle on him one more time. Officers asked him how he got to the store since he doesn’t have a driver’s license. He told them they walked but his little girl promptly spoke up and pointed out their car in the parking lot. Oops. He’s been charged with theft and bail-jumping.

But I Really Wanted To Take a Quick Selfie!

Our bozo for today is not technically a criminal but his actions certainly qualify him as a bozo. From New York City comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was attending a performace of the Tony Award nominated play “Hand to God” when he noticed his cell phone was almost dead. So, he did what any phone loving bozo would do in such a situation, he jumped onstage and tried to plug his charger into an outlet that was part of the set. Our bozo was pulled from the stage and was escorted out. And his phone wouldn’t have charged anyway, the “outlet” is just fake prop.

Our bozo for today from Cape Coral, Florida, was busted with a little help from Mother Nature. Severe storms in the area resulted in a number of fires caused by lightning strikes. The cops responded to a call on SE 41 street after firemen clearing the area discovered something unusual . In the charred remains, the cops found a what appeared to be a large scale marijuana growing operation, with fifteen plants inside, seven more outised and a large suitcase filled with prepackaged pot. Like a bolt out of the blue, our bozo was busted!

Treed

Our bozos for today from Houston, Texas thought they were out of reach of the long arm of the law. They were wrong. Police officers tried to pull over a vehicle at around 2:15 A.M. Saturday but our bozos fled, leading the officers on a chase that ended when they crashed at the end of the street. They then jumped out of the car and fled on foot, disappearing into the darkness. Our bozos then spotted a large tree and quickly came up with the not so bright idea of climbing it, thinking they would be out of sight of the pursuing officers. Out of sight they may have been, but not out of scent of the K-9 officer that was also in hot pursuit. Both bozos were persuaded to climb down and now face felony evasion charges.

Up In the Air, It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…It’s a Drone!

For today we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Middleton, Wisconsin, comes the story of Marquis Perry who was on the run from the cops after it was reported he had stolen a car and robbed a BP gas station. The cops found the car abandoned near a local pond surrnounded by dense undergrowth. Instead of searching on foot, the cops took the fire department up on their offer to loan them an inflatable raft and a drone with a camera to help them. It wasn’t long before the camera spotted a pair of shoes and a large wad cash floating in the water, which led them to our bozo who was hiding nearby. He’s busted.

I Said Pull Back on the STICK!

Today we present a couple of members of the Bozo Mile High Club, but, as you will see, the reasons for their induction are different than what you might expect. A couple of pilots for the Argentine airline Austral Lineas Aereas learned that they had a Playboy model on board and, of course, they invited her into the cockpit. Unfortunately numerous selfies showed the model flying the plane and assisting the pilots during takeoff. Not good. They’ve been terminated and several passengers are considering lawsuits.

Guess Hitchhiking Was Out Of the Question

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems bozo John Hamilton of New York City wanted to go see his girlfriend in Uniontown, Pennsylvania, 300 miles away. Only problem, he didn’t have a car. So, he did the next best thing and loaded his kids into a cab and told the driver to head for Uniontown. Which might have been OK, except when he arrived at his destination and the cabbie handed him a $749 bill, he told the driver he had no cash and his “credit card was maxed out for the day.” Bad idea. The cabbie called the cops and our bozo has been jailed on charges of theft of services. The kids are in protective custody and our bozo still hasn’t seen his girlfriend.

Those Tacos Were Addictive

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Denver, Colorado where it’s not unusual to find food trucks parked at various locations around town. However, one taco truck in particular seemed to be getting VERY popular. After receiving a tip, the cops staked out the taco wagon in question and noticed that one of the “specials” was, well, very unusual. If you knew what to ask for, you could get your taco with a side order of methamphetamine. Yep, our bozos were brazenly selling dope out of their taco truck. Not anymore. After selling some of the special tacos to an undercover officer, our bozos were busted.

Take the First Left, Right? Wrong

Bozo criminal for today from Plainfield, Pennsylvania, violated Bozo Rule Number 114847: Map your escape route out ahead of time. Bozo Cristian Olson stole a car in Queens, New York and was headed to Syracuse. But somewhere along the way he took a wrong turn and ended up out of gas on the side of the road on Route 33 in Plainfield. When a trooper stopped to help, he ran a quick license plate check and discovered the car was stolen. He’s busted!

Goldmember

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California, which also qualifies for the Darwin Award. It seems a member of the notorious MS-13 gang decided it would be a good idea to gold plate his genitals to celebrate his 17th birthday. It wasn’t. He stole some lead-based gold paint from a local garage and sprayed away. We’re not sure exactly what happened next but we do know he ended up in the hospital where he died from complications related to the attempted gold plating. RIP Bozo.

And the Dog’s Name…Reefer!

Bozo criminal for today from Salem, New Hampshire, proves once again that while a dog may be man’s best friend, he can sometimes be a bozo’s worst enemy. Two housekeepers at a Red Roof Inn noticed a German Shepherd running loose on the property. They recognized the dog as belonging to one of the guests at the motel so they went to his room to tell him. When they arrived, they found the door open and the air filled with the strong smell of pot and what appeared to be a large amount of marijuana in the bathtub. The cops were called and found $100,000 in cash in addition to the pot. He’s busted!They’re looking for a good home for his dog.

A Sticky Situation

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hamilton, Alberta, Canada, where the cops were called to a report of a sticky substance on the sidewalk. Investigators determined that the substance was maple syrup. End of story, right? Wrong. A witness turned up who was able to identify our syrup spreader. The cops went to his apartment to question the man, with the intention of charging him with criminal mischief. Except…upon arrival they found, that in addition to being in possession of maple syrup, he was also in possession of marijuana. And he was in violation of his probation. He’s busted!

That Sure Put a Damper On What Started Out As a Fun Evening

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 778423: If you’re already naked when you’re arrested, don’t push it. From Westlake, Ohio, comes the story of bozos Alexandria Mason and Kenneth Greer, who were reported to be naked in a parking lot. By the time the police arrived, our bozos, still naked, were inside their car. Bozo Alex was behind the wheel and eating a slice of pizza while Bozo Ken was in the passenger seat with an open can of beer between his feet. Both where arrested and ordered to get dressed. But the fun didn’t stop there. Bozo Alex was released to a sober family member, but by 3 a.m. she was found wandering down a road after being kicked out of the car for arguing with the person who came to pick her up. She was booked on charges of disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Meanwhile, Bozo Ken, who was on probation for drug possession charges, peed in the back seat of the patrol car. Bad, bad idea. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated, an open container violation, and public indecency.

He Had Just a Little More Stuff He Needed To Get Rid Of

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kingman, Arizona, where the cops were on the lookout for a man they suspeced had illegally dumped 600 pounds of construction and household trash in the desert. A few days later the cops were taking part in a free trash collection event when who should drive up but the very guy they had been looking for. One of the detectives approached our bozo and he quickly admitted to being the illegal dumper. He was also arrested on two unrelated misdemeanor warrants plus the illegal dumping charge.