Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

On Second Thought, Don’t Label It

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where bozo Charles Gibbs was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. While they were questioning him, the cops noticed something strange in the car. A plastic sour cream container with a hand written label on it that said “Not Weed.” Sure. And of course weed was exactly what it contained. He’s busted!

Assault With a Jiggly Weapon

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belfast, Northern Ireland, where cops were called to a report of a dispute. Upon arrival they found two neighbors who had been arguing, resulting in one of them being knocked to the ground and injuring her back. It was her unusual claim of the weapon he used that landed our perp in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The woman told the cops that in the midst of the argument, our bozo attempted to move her out of the way by “belly bumping” her with his sizeable stomach. The impact of the belly blow caused her to be knocked down and suffer the injury. He’s been charged with assault.

But This Worked For James Bond!

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York, New York, where bozo Pablo Rivera drives a big rig that regularly crosses the George Washington Bridge, which imposes a toll of $95 on big trucks. As you can imagine, this can add up pretty quickly. So our bozo came up with an ingenious plan to avoid paying. He installed a device on his front bumper that, with the flip of a switch, rotates it 90 degrees, making the license plate unreadable by the E-Z Pass cameras. Sounds like a good idea that should have worked except for one small thing. His timing. He flipped the switch on the bumper just as he passed an officer stationed at the toll booth, who saw everything and called the cops. Oops. He’s been charged with tampering with public records and possession of burglary tools.

Step One: Check Your Zippers. All of Them

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Hamilton, Ohio. Bozo Virgil Wilson entered a convenience store, pointed a gun at the cashier and demanded money. The clerk complied and our bozo then tried to put the money in his backpack. We say “tried” because apparently the zipper was stuck and he couldn’t get it to open. So, he then had that the clerk assist him in trying to get the zipper unstuck. After tugging on the stuck zipper for a couple of minutes, our bozo fled out the front door. He didn’t get very far, as a detective just happened to be passing by, witnessed the whole thing and called for backup. He’s busted.

Well, We Had To Charge Him With Something

Bozo criminal for today comes from Timaru, New Zealand, where bozo Charles Pope had a little too much to drink, stripped naked, and decided to go for a ride on his bicycle. The cops noticed him weaving and pulled him over, giving him a ticket for riding while intoxicated, right? Wrong. Apparently there’s no legal limit for cycling in New Zealand. Maybe a ticket for indecent exposure? Nope. According to the officer “that would depend on what could be seen” and apparently no naughty bits were showing. So what did hour naked, drunk bicycle rider get ticketed for? Not wearing a helmet.

But I Just Really, Really Like That Dunkin’ Coffee

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lodi, New Jersey, where the cops were called to a report of a bank robbery. The teller told them a man wearing a fedora hat placed what appeared to be a BB gun on the counter and demanded cash, before getting away with $4000. Now, you would think a robber with four thousand bucks in his pocket would get away from the scene as quickly as possible. You’d be wrong. Instead, our bozo headed directly to a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts where he bought himself a cup of coffee and trtied to bum a cigarette from another customer. The cops spotted him enjoying his java outside the entrance to the donut shop. He’s under arrest.

A Really Bad Hair Day

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Stamford, Connecticut, where bozo Alan Boyd needed a haircut. So he headed down to the Loft Salon and Spa but what he got obviously wasn’t “the usual.” In fact our bozo didn’t like the haircut at all. And when the stylist presented him a bill for $50, he went ballistic. He started tossing items, including a wreath and a candle, around and then kicked a hole in the wall before swearing at everyone and storming out of the shop. Maybe his biggest mistake was returing and demanding that the stylist “fix” his hair. Instead the stylist called the cops. He’s been charged with breach of the peace and criminal mischief.

That’s Quite a Right Hook I Have There!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Lane County, Oregon. Bozo Alex Kowalski was being held in the County Jail and decided the best way to get out quick was to cook up a police brutality charge. He said he wanted to file assault charges against several officers and had the bruises and a black eye to prove his claim. What he didn’t count on was a camera just outside his cell that caught him hitting himself in the head 45 times in the space of four minutes. He’s now had filing a false report and attempted coersion charges added to his rap sheet. Next time we recommend a padded cell.

Finally, We Know the Penalty For Tooting Your Own Horn

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia, where police noticed a man driving erratically on the West Gate Bridge. When they pulled up beside him, they discovered he was blowing his horn. No, not the car’s horn. His trumpet. Yep, this bozo was playing a trumpet while driving on a bridge. Bad idea. He’s been charged with careless driving and fined $276. No word on the fate of the trumpet.

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, But Leave the Coke At Home

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Mentor, Ohio, where bozo Jose Ramirez went down to the local police station with his family to try to bond out his cousin. Now, of course, a trip to the police station could be a little nervewracking so it’s understandable that a bozo might want to take something to calm his nerves. Which he apparently did, as police officers noticed our bozo absolutely reeked of marijuana. They took him into another room to search him, and that’s when his troubles really began. The marijuana scent was the least of his problems. The cops found he was carring three baggies of cocaine. Since the station house was in 1000 feet of a school, he’s been charged with a felony. Busted!

Ice Isn’t Nice

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sparta, New Jersey, which, like much of the country, has been experiencing some frigid winter weather. It wasn’t the weather that caused bozo Brian Barker’s problems, even though he tried to blame it on mother nature. It seems our bozo had a little too much to drink and slammed his BMW into a guard rail. It was late, 2:45 am, and no one was around so he simply drove the car home. End of story, right? Wrong. When he returned home, he called one of his buddies and hatched what would appear to be some sort of bozo insurance fraud scheme. He and his friend returned to the scene of the crime with two five gallon containers of water, which they poured all over the road to create a patch of black ice in front of the guard rail. Unfortunately they didn’t notice the cop nearby who observed the whole scene. A road crew had to be called in to dump a half a ton of salt on the road to make it safe again. He’s been charged with DUI, leaving the scene of an accident, failure to report and accident and disorderly conduct.

Another Reason to Insulate Your Attic

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Haarlem, Netherlands, where a group of bozos had a thriving marijuana farm in their apartment. No one would have been any the wiser if there had not been a big snowstorm. Cops noticed there was a big bare patch with no snow on the roof just above our bozos’ apartment. Further investigation revealed the heat from the many grow lights was sufficient to melt the snow on the roof, revealing their operation. Oops. They’re busted.

Her Only Comment: “Ugg”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Chesterfield, Missouri, where bozo Keisha Watson shoplifted a pair of boots at the local UGG Store by stuffing them in her purse. Don’t know if she got “robbers remorse” or what, but the cops found the boots, along with the purse, abandoned in the shopping center parking lot. Unfortunately, there was also something else inside that bag. An appointment card from the Missouri Board of Probation and Parole, with her name on it. Surprisingly, she showed up for the appointment. The cops were waiting for her and she was placed under arrest.

He Couldn’t Have Made It Easier If He Had Given Them a Map

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Donald Harper’s girlfriend called the cops after he allegedly assaulted her. By the time the cops arrived, our bozo had fled, but his girlfriend was able to give them a very important piece of information. His Facebook page. Sure enough, an hour after her call, he posted, “It’s time to leave PA.” Then, a short time later, “OMW To Spartansburg, SC.” He also posted a selfie of himself sitting in a bus. He didn’t leave much for the cops to do. They checked the Greyhound station and found that a bus had left for Spartansburg 15 minutes earlier. The cops were there to greet him when he arrived. He’s under arrest.

There Wasn’t Anything Else Around to Wrap It In

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report from Van Buren County, Michigan where police officers showed up at the home of bozo Kenneth Porter on an outstanding felony warrant. While they were there they noitced a small package on a table. Unwrapping it, they discovered it was methamphetamine wrapped in the business card of local parole officer. And who should have been seeing that parole officer, but a second bozo who was visiting the residence at the time. Busted! Both bozos are being held in the county jail.

Probably Not Something You Want To Include On Your Resume

Bozo Criminal for today comes from West Palm Beach, Florida, where police observed bozo Robert Phillips riding in a stolen vehicle. As they tailed him, they observed him engage in what appeared to be a drug transaction and then flee on foot through a hobby store before being captured. He didn’t do himself any favors when listing his occupation on his police report as “drug dealer.” He’s under arrest on numerous charges and being held on $242,000 bail.

911, What Is the Nature of Your Emergency Again??

Bozo criminals for today come from Rexburg, Idaho, where Leland Duke and Craig Harper found themselves in a bit of a jam. They were transporting 20 pounds of marijuana from California to Montana and they were concerned that undercover officers had learned their secret. So, what to do? How about stopping in Idaho and calling 911? Fine, except there were no undercover cops and the Idaho police had no idea that the men were transporting marijuana until they placed the call. They’re busted!

Didn’t Somethng Like This Happen in Goodfellas?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Birmingham, England, where our bozo had champagne tastes on a beer budget. Or, more accurately, Ferrari tastes on a Honda budget. Bozo cop Osman Hussein worked for the West Midlands PD and aroused suspicions when he showed up for work one day driving a $250,000 Ferrari 458 Italia. The counter-corruption unit decided to investigate and found he was a very hard working officer. Unfortunately, most of his work was on the wrong side of the law. He’s been charged with laundering “hundreds of thousands of pounds” from brothels in the area and also running a limo service to take the johns to and from the clubs and sell them drugs.. The Ferrari is impounded and he’s under arrest.

Wanna Get Arrested? Here’s How

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, which contains a step-by-step process to guarantee you get yourself arrested. One: Walk into police station. Two: Walk around station talking gibberish. Three: Light up a marijuana cigarette. Four: Pull down pants and poop on the floor. Five: Smear said waste on the walls of your holding cell. Six: Get ready to spend some time in jail.

Add Hockey Rink To the List of Places Where You Shouldn’t Drink and Drive

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Grimes for sending in today’s report from Fargo, North Dakota. It seems bozo Steven Adams had a little too much to drink before showing up for work at his job with Fargo Parks. His level of intoxication might have gone unnoticed if he had any job other than the Zamboni driver at the local hockey rink. Several people in the audience noticed he was having difficulty keeping it between the lines and called the cops. He’s busted and charged with DUI.