Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Paris, France, where two bozos followed the manager of a jewelry store to her home, tied her up and demanded that she give them the codes to the store’s alarm system and safes. After the terrified woman gave them the information, our bozos untied her, and, as they were leaving, one of them gave her a kiss on the cheek. The woman called the cops and, after telling the story, one of the officers swabbed her cheek to see if our bozo had left a DNA sample. He had. And it turns out he was a wanted man and his DNA was in the national genetic database. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where our unidentified bozo walked into the local Taco John’s restaurant. Approaching the counter, he said, “Give me everything you got” and pointed a gun a the clerk. The clerk took one look at the weapon, and said, “I don’t have anything for you, and besides, that’s a BB gun.” Our bozo denied it was a BB gun and then proceeded to rack the slide and fire the gun, which apparently contained no BBs. Thinking better of his plan, our bozo turned tail and ran.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where police were called to the local McDonalds with a report of a man sleeping in his car. Upon further investigation, the cops discovered the man was naked from the waist down. While they were trying to awaken him, they asked if there was anything they should be concerned with in his vehicle. And that’s when he gave them the Bozo Answer of the Week. He said, “There might be a meth lab in my car.” He wasn’t kidding…when the officer opened the back door a “gasser bottle” fell out. He’s busted!
We are going to take the day off today from reporting on Bozo Criminal activity and give you a report from the Internal Affairs Department. There was no crime committed here but the ineptness detailed is certainly criminal. From New Delhi, India, comes the story of India’s Central Vigilance Commission, an agency set up to fight corruption. It seems this organization set up a system where citizens could report crimes online. Good idea, except for one thing. Somewhere along the way, the administrators forgot the password to access the citizens’ reports. And, try as they might, no one could figure out the password. And did we mention that the password was lost in 2006? Yep, they have an 8 year backlog of crime reports to go through now that someone has finally cracked the password. At this point, they promise to investigate all complaints, but can give no estimated date of completion.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Michael Martin was pulled over by the cops for speeding on U.S. 1. After a brief conversation, the cop noticed Martin had glassy eyes and slurred speech and inquired if he had been drinking. He confirmed that he had a few drinks following an argument with his wife. And as for why he was behind the wheel…that’s the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer that he knew he was drunk and was trying to “drive it off.” Bad, bad idea. After failing a sobriety test he was arrested on a DUI charge.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Salisbury, Massachusetts where bozo Kevin Grier was pulled over after the cops noticed him driving erratically. When the cop asked him to present proof of registration, our bozo reached into the glove box and handed to the cop…a recipe for beef short ribs. Oops. He’s been charged with driving with a suspended license, improper registration and failure to dim headlights.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ipswich, Australia, where an unidentified bozo attempted to rob a 7-Eleven in a scene right out the video game Dead Rising. Armed with a running chainsaw and wearing a flower pot over his head, he stormed into the store and demanded cash. After the clerks sought shelter in the back , he turned his attention on the store fixtures, chainsawing a window and several display racks, before dropping his pants and mooning the clerks. He then grabbed a bottle of soda and left. The cops were called and found our bozo walking down the street near the store. He’s under arrest.
We’re still a month and a half away from tax time, but it would appear some bozos are already getting antsy about dealilng with the IRS. From St. Petesburg, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Morris who called 911 to check on the status of his tax return. When the dispatcher told him she had no information on his pending refund, he became beligerent and continued to demand she find out the status of his return for him. When he refused to get off the phone, officers were dispatched and, when they arrived, found him still on the phone with the 911 operator. The result…he’s been sentenced to two days in jail and a $450 fine. Hope his refund will cover it.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida, where police officers were called to a resort hotel after a security guard noticed a couple of suspicious people enter the property and then heard a scream. The cops arrived and quickly spotted our bozo, who was standing near a large flower pot. When he saw the police approaching, he stuffed his hands into the flower pot and refused to bring them out. The police soon discovered what he was trying to hide…a baggie containing less than a gram of cocaine. It was when he was being arrested that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Day. He told the officers, “I thought cocaine wasn’t illegal in Florida.” Wrong. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from DeSoto, Texas, where bozo Darrell Raines was placed under arrest on drug charges when he was found to be carrying a backpack containing what was believed to be narcotics. He was handcuffed and placed in the back of a patrol car while the officers continued their investigation. Due to what was deemed an “equipment failure” our bozo was able to escape while the officers’ backs were turned. This would be the end of the story except for one thing. Those pesky handcuffs. Try as he might, our bozo couldn’t get them off, and it seemed the more he tried, the tighter they got. So, finally, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 to complain that the circulation in his arm was being cut off by the handcuffs he was still wearing. Bad idea. He’s now under arrest on felony charges of possession of a controlled substance, escape and tampering with evidence.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Sumter, South Carolina, where bozo Michael Wilkins walked into the local Applebees. After enjoying his meal, he tried to pay for it with his debit card, which was rejected. Undeterred, our bozo simply reached into his pocket and offered to pay the bill in cash. With a $1 trillion dollar bill. Even with inflation, the government has never printed a trillion dollar bill. The cops were called and it was discovered our bozo was also wanted on an unrelated contempt case. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California, where four bozo burglars entered a residence armed with shotguns and handguns. The homeowner had seen our bozos approaching on security cameras and had called the cops, who arrived quickly, scaring off two bozos immediately. The other two were already in the house and that’s when they hatched one of the all-time bozo plans. They asked the homeowner to tie them up and tell they cops that they were also vicitms. The homeowner wisely ignored their suggestion and ran outside to tell the officers what was going on. The police decided to simply play a waiting game with our bozos, who eventually came outside and surrendered.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Nujmber 019897: If you’re a wanted man, take the bus. From the International File in Verona, Italy, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who had been on the run from the cops for nine months when he made the decision to hitch a ride back to his residence instead of walking. Don’t know what it was that tipped the plainclothes officer off, but he took one look at our bozo and thought he “looked wrong” and decided to give him a lift. Instead of taking him home, the cop gave our bozo a ride to the police station, where he unsuccessfully attempted to flee. After his capture, the cops determined he was wanted for aggravated theft, robbery, receiving stolen property and drunk driving. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Chris Cox donned a ski mask and walked into the local Radio Shack, demanding cash. He ordered the clerk to drop to the floor and when she tried to flee he whipped out a taser but instead proceeded to tase himself in the hand. Seeing that things weren’t going well, he abandoned his plan and fled the store, tossing his ski mask in a dumpster on his way out. One thing we forgot to mention…he was an employee of the store he attempted to rob and was recognized by one of the employees. The cops were waiting for him when he showed up promptly for his shift at 4 p.m. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 23654: If you have a noisy job to do, at least try to do it when no one is at home. From Dorchester, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Stephen Friedrich who was on the hunt for valuable copper piping. He staked out a residence that he thought would have a boiler in the basement with plenty of copper pipe and broke in at 2 a.m. Guess he didn’t take into account that stealing the pipe would be a noisy job. And, even more importantly, he didn’t check to see if anyone was at home. The residents were awakened by the loud banging sounds coming from the basement and called the cops. Our bozo was still hammering and sawing away when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Helena, Montana. It seems bozo Anthony Alexander was in an amorous mood when he picked up two women at a local bar and invited him to his apartment. Things were going well until one of the women “decided” to pass gas. This understandably angered our bozo who ordered her to get out of his residence. She wasn’t going quietly and reportedly punched our bozo in the face, prompting him to call the cops to report the assault. And that was his worst decision of the evening. When the cops arrived and took a look around the apartment, they were less concerned with the assault than with the marijuana and drug paraphernalia they saw on the premises. He’s busted. No word on what happened to his lady friends.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Wurzburg, Germany. Since police have not decided whether or not to press charges, we can’t quailify our bozo as a criminal but there is no doubt about her bozo credentials. It seems our 20-year-old bozo was enjoying herself at a local nightclub. And after an evening of dancing, she had worked up a bit of a sweat. So, while in the restroom with one of her companions, she reached into her friend’s purse and gave her underarms a big spray of deodorant. Or at least she thought it was deodorant. Actually, it was a can of pepper spray that the woman carried for self defense. Oops. The spray quickly spread throughout the club, which had to be evacuated. Our bozo was treated for minor eye injuries. Police are considering filing neglient bodily harm charges on our not so sweet smelling bozo.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo David Brown brought his pregnant wife into the hospital so she could give birth to the couple’s new baby. Like any father-to-be, our bozo was very nervous. Unlike most fathers-to-be, he had a rather unorthodox way of dealing with his nervousness. He took out his high-tech vaporizer,which was filled with raw cannabis, and started vapeing right there in the delivery room. Not a good idea. A nurse caught a whiff of the high tech pot and called the cops. Poppa was busted just as his son was coming into the world.
For the second day in a row we have a story of a bozo bamboozled by a locked car door. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Ruben Tucker who decided to take a little nap inside an unlocked car. We have to assume he didn’t notice it was a police car. Parked in the Southeast Precinct station parking lot. And then there’s another problem…once inside, he couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door to let himself out. He used his finger to write “Help” in condensation on the window, but apparently no one noticed until the day shift arrived the next morning. He was freed and charged with criminal mischief.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cologne, Germany, where our unidentified bozo spotted what he thought was an easy target. Seeing an unoccupied Porsche SUV in a parking lot, our bozo opened the unlocked door and climbed inside. He was rummaging around looking for valuables when he heard a “click.” The vehicle’s central locking system had activated, locking all the car doors. And, try as he might, our bozo couldn’t get the doors to unlock. Witnesses even noticed him kicking the door in an attempt to break out. Didn’t work. The cops and firefighters were called to free the man from the car before placing him under arrest.