Bozo criminal for today comes from West Milford, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Graham rear-ended another vehicle about 5:15 pm Sunday. The cops found an open bottle of whiskey and what was believed to be marijuana in his car. An open and shut case of a DUI accident, right? Well, yes, but we must also mention that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week for being drunk. He told the cops, “I drank too much because the Jets suck.” His beloved Jets had lost earlier in the day to the Buffalo Bills, 41-10. The officers were sympathetic, but he was arrested anyway.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco county, Florida where a traffic officer couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Fred Flintstone just speeded past him in his famous “footmobile.” It was only after the cop pulled Fred over that it became clear that the “footmobile” was actually a tricked out Smart car that looked just like the Flintstone original. And behind the wheel, our bozo, in a full Fred Flintstone outfit. Even though the whole thing was amusing, speeding is speeding and our bozo was ticketed and released with a notice to appear.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, China. The cops had set up a field sobriety test checkpoint and were stopping all cars and that’s when our bozo panicked. He abandoned his van, hopped over the median, and tried to hail a cab. Failing that, he decided the best thing to do was jump off the overpass. Bad idea. He broke his leg in the process and was taken to the hospital where a sobriety test was administered and his blood alcohol content was found to be zero. So, why did he flee? He explained to the cops that he had been drinking the night before and was worried that the alcohol was still in his system.
Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Division in the International File in Toronto, Canada. Our bozo officers were involved in a raid at the Community Cannabis Clinic, where they allegedly kept a couple of marijuana laced chocolate bars for themselves. Maybe they planned to enjoy them on their own time, right? Nope. A couple of hours later they were assigned to surveillance duty, and, feeling hungry, they decided to eat the chocolate. Now, marijuana edibles are very potent and it takes quite a while for them to take effect. Which, led the cops to, shall we say, overindulge. About two hours later, dispatch received a call for help, with the officers reportedly “in distress.” They were rescued and taken to the hospital and now face charges of misconduct and tampering with evidence. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from North College Hill, Ohio, where the Girls Scouts reported a $1500 order of cookies had gone missing. The cops tracked the sweet treets to our bozo, Nora Hicks, who refused to either return or pay for the cookies, probably because she had always eaten them. When she showed up at court on “unrelated charges” she was placed under arrest on the cookie theft charges. Guess you could say, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.”
Bozo criminal for today comes from Indio, California, where our bozo thief’s activities were all caught on the security cameras at the local YMCA. He is seen kicking through the ductwork of the YMCA Child Development Center. He drops to the floor, opens the cash register, steals all the money inside and makes a quick exit. A successful crime, right? Well, not exactly. Remember if you will that this was the Child Development Center. The cash register he opened was a toy one and the cash inside…play money. Oops. We only wish there would have been cameras on his face when he tried to spend the phoney money.
Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Tredegar, South Wales. It seems bozo Christopher Foster climbed onto the roof of a building and mooned bystanders and taunted police officers who came by to get him to stop. And that’s when the local police sprang into action. More than 100 officers, armed police and a $4000 drone were dispatched to the scene in what became a 45-hour standoff. All totaled, over $23,000 was spent and 900 hours of police time wasted before our bozo finally sobered up and came down on his own. He said he had been drinking beer and had taken 56 sleeping tablets and a box of Nurofen before the incident. He’s busted and jailed for six months on charges of criminal damage and outraging public decency.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Daytona Beach, Florida, where the cops had set up a sting operation in an area known for prostitution. Our bozo approached an undercover officer and asked for sex, but admitted that he did not have any cash. But, um, he did have a salad. Would she accept that in exchange? Offer accepted. Dressing on the side. You’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, where bozo David Barrera had a new job at the local McDonalds. And being a bozo, he showed up late the first day, and after showing very little willingness to work, the manager promptly fired him. So what did our bozo do? He headed five miles down the road to another McDonalds and walked in, still wearing his uniform, and told the manager there he was there to help with the evening rush. When the manager took him into his office, he threatened him with a gun and got away with around $1500 in cash. He didn’t get very far, as employees at the first McDonalds recognized him from security camera footage. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today for today comes from historic Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky, where the Breeder’s Cup race was held this weekend. Somehow or other drunk bozo Michael Rody made his way to a restricted area at the track. He found an unattended horse, mounted it and headed toward the track. Fortunately for all involved, security spotted him and got him off the horse before anything happened. He’s been charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bedford, Nova Scotia, Canada where our bozo was in the line at a fast food place when he noticed a RCMP mountie in line behind him and told the employee at the window that he wanted to pay the officer’s bill. The officer declined the gesture but our bozo was insistent. The mountie then parked his vehicle and walked up to talk to our good-hearted bozo directly. And, surprise! He discovered he was drunk, twice the legal limit. He’s busted, charged with drunk driving, driving with a suspended licence and operating an unregistered vehicle.
From the International File in Khoi Yai National Park, Thailand, comes today’s story which is lacking somewhat in criminal activity but has an abundance of bozo-ness. A 41-year-old French tourist was touring the park when she came upon a very large crocodile. Now, what do you do when you encounter a crocodile? Squat down and pose for a selfie with him, of course. And what did the croc do? Chomped down on her thigh, of course. She was quickly rescued and taken to a hospital where her condition remains unknown. The crocodile remains at large.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number #3344765: Hold off on the drinking if your escape vehicle is a bicycle. From the International File in Birmingham, England, comes the story of bozo Jay Lane who was spotted by police responding to a burglar alarm. He was pedaling away on his bicycle, clutching a flat screen TV. It was obvious he was impaired as he was swerving and struggling to stay upright before eventually crashing into a police car. When questioned by the cops, he told them that he had drunk 24 beers and a shot of Jagermeister before attempting to pull off his heist. And his reason for the theft? He had just recently been released from prison and was “bored.” He won’t be bored any longer. He’s headed back to jail.
With Halloween approaching, thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from Shippensburg Township, Pennsylvania. Cops were called to the local Walmart on a report of a disturbance inside the store. Upon arrival, they found our bozo in the produce department, smashing pumpkins all over the floor. We’re not sure what his reasoning was here, maybe he just doesn’t like pumpkins. He was intoxicated and possibly under the influence of an unknown substance and was taken to a hospital for evaluation. Let’s hope pumpkin pie is not on the hospital menu.
Bozo criminals for today come from Durham, North Carolina, where the cops had staked out what they thought was a drug deal going down at the Raleigh-Durham International Airport. The cops arrested bozo Jason Adams of New York City, and charged him with selling what they believed to be three pounds of cocaine to bozo Tarvares Mitchell. But the tests on the package showed something completely different. Our bozo had purchased 10 bars of Ivory soap in thick plastic wrap, apparently believing it to be blocks of cocaine. Oops. They’re both under arrest while the cops try to decide what to charge them with.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lafayette, Indiana, where a 12-year-old intermediate school student had heard that you could start an electrical fire in a rather unique way. And of course, being a curious boy, he decided to give it a try. He peed on an electrical outlet in the boy’s restroom at school. The trick worked, and a small fire broke out, but it was quickly extinguished. Mr. Wilson was just glad he didn’t do it at his house. The boy is under arrest with charges still pending.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Luton, England, where a shop owner had been robbed previously, so this time he was ready when three bozos, armed with a knife and two handguns, walked in and demanded cash. He reached under the counter and grabbed an open container of chili powder, which he had placed there for just this purpose, grabbed a handful and threw it directly into our bozos faces. Thinking this maybe was not going to work out as planned, our bozos fled empty handed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Charleroi, Belgium, where a group of six bozo thieves walked into a vape shop and demanded cash. The clerk told them sales of e-cigarettes had been slow, and why don’t they come back around closing time when there will be more cash on hand. After a bit of discussion, our bozos decided that was a pretty good idea, so they left. At 5:30, an hour before closing time, they showed back up but the clerk said there was still another hour to go so come back at 6:30. Once again, our bozos left, but this time the clerk called the cops, who were there waiting when the bozo mob showed back up. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pueblo, Colorado, where the cops were investigating a wrecked car found in the area. Little did they know the wreckage was just getting started. They left their cruiser blocking the roadway with the flashing lights on. That didn’t slow our bozo down a bit as he came barrelling down the street and crashed right into the cruiser. Strike one. The cops quickly determined he was drunk. Strike two. And did we mention there was a passenger in the car? There was. And he had a warrant out for his arrest. Strike three. They’re both under arrest.
There is absolutely no criminal activity involved in today’s story but we just couldn’t let this one go by without taking note. As you are no doubt aware, marijuana is now legal all across Canada. The legalization of pot provided a unique opportunity for one nine-year-old girl scout. After facing slow sales in her neighborhood, she decided to set up shop in front of a marijuana store on the first day pot was legalized in the Great White North. And the not unexpected result? She completely sold out in less than 45 minutes!