Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from Manchester Kentucky, where local police had organized their annual “Shop with a Cop” promotion. During the event, meant to build positive relationships between the police and the community, disadvantaged kids are given a small amount of money to go on a shopping trip with the cops to buy presents for their family and friends. It was during the event, held at the local Walmart, that security guards noticed something strange going on. 26-year-old bozo Samantha Harper was gathering up jewelry and other items and concealing them underneath her clothing. Yep, of all the places to shoplift, she chose a Walmart that was full of cops. She’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Spartanberg, South Carolina. 350 pound bozo Robert Harper headed down to the local Walmart where he climbed aboard a motorized scooter and proceeded to do some shopping. He saw some ribeye steaks he liked, five of them to be exact. But instead of heading for the checkout lane, he placed the steaks under his more than ample butt and sat down on them. Thinking they were safely concealed, he then exited the store without paying. What he didn’t realize was a Walmart loss prevention employee had seen the whole thing and detained him in the parking lot. Cops were called and due to his large size, two pairs of handcuffs were required to hold him.
Bozo criminals for today from Polk County, Florida, thought they had come up with the ultimate plan to rob Walmart. Bozos Tarus Sloan and Genard Dawson entered the store and filled their cart with a load of Christmas gifts, including a motorized Barbie Power Wheel. As they approached the checkout counter, bozo Genard dropped to the floor, clutching his chest and doing his best Fred Sanford imitation. While everyone’s attention was turned to the medical emergency, bozo Tarus headed for the exit and left the store without paying. After about 45 seconds of moaning and groaning, bozo Genard was able to struggle to his feet and walk out of the store. Perfect crime and clean getaway, right? Wrong. Guess they forgot about the security cameras, which caught them reuniting in the parking lot and driving away. Oops. They’ll be spending Christmas in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Shubenacadie, Nova Scotia, Canada, where authorities were investigating a case of vandalism at a wildlife park. The place had been decorated up for Christmas including a replica of Santa’s sleigh, which had been severely damaged. With no leads on who would do such a thing, the cops took a look at surveillance video, and quickly found the culprit. They saw a large reindeer, known to the park officials as Rudolph, approach the sleigh and tear it apart with his antlers before running away. Authorities say the park’s elves were able to repair the sleigh and no charges will be filed against Rudolph.
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Frankfort, Illinois, where bozo Paula Sawyer stole a number of items from Mortie’s Boutique. While our bozo may have a certain fashion sense, that would appear to be the only sense she has. Shortly after the robbery, she posted Facebook selfies of herself wearing the stolen items. What she didn’t realize was that store’s owner had also posted pictures on Facebook…of the stolen items, including the distinctive leopard print dress she was wearing. Several people recognized the dress and contacted the cops. She’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey in the Morning” for sending in the story of a bozo who violated one of the most basic Bozo Rules of them all. Rule number 000043: Don’t be too smart. Police in Nanticoke, Pennsylvania, were investigating multiple residential burglaries. Due to the similarities in the cases, they believed they were all done by the same thief but they had no solid leads. That is, until they received a 911 call from a witness who claimed that he had seen a man fleeing the scene of one of the burglaries. Following up on the call, the cops discovered the man who called in the report had been pulled over for erratic driving in the area of the burglaries and further investigation uncovered that he was under suspicion of commiting a burglary in a nearby town. He was called in for an interview, and eventually he ‘fessed up. Our bozo had placed the call to 911 to try to give the cops a false lead to divert attention from himself. Didn’t work.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Lorne, Yukon, Canada where fire investigators were trying to determine the cause of a house fire. After probing through the damage, they found the remains of a box of “strike anywhere” matches. And on the floor near the matches, the charred remains of a dog bed. Putting two and two together, the investigators asked the homeowners if they had a young dog. The answer was yes. A young dog that would chew on anything? Again yes. A dog that was smart enough to make a quick exit through the doggie door after setting his own bed on fire while chewing on a box of matches? Afraid so. Police say no charges will be filed against Fido and the owners have been advised to buy him a more suitable chew toy.
Bozo criminal for today comes form Town of Dell Prairie, Wisconsin, where the cops pulled over bozo Charles Hampton after observing him weaving across the center line of State Highway 13. A breath alcohol test showed him to be over the legal limit, prompting him to offer up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had not been drinking, but had eaten beer battered fish for dinner. Sorry, Charlie, that excuse won’t fly. He’s been charged with DWI.
Bozo criminals for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 010096: The back seat of a police cruiser is not the best place to hatch an alibi. Palm Beach Florida police were called to a report of suspicous activity at around 3:30 AM. They found our bozos in a parked car, along with drug paraphernalia and what appeared to be burglary tools. After the cops put them in the back seat of a patrol car, with a security camera in plain view, our bozos went to work formulating an alibi for a burglary that the cops hadn’t even connected them to yet. All of which was recorded. Oops. They’ve been charged with burglary, criminal mischief and grand theft.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Conyers, Georgia, where a police officer was flagged down by a pedestrian who appeared to be in a state of distress. The man, who the officer described as “talking very rapidly”, said a bug had flown into his eye and he leaned over to look at his eye on the mirror on the squad car’s passenger door. It was then that the officer noticed something in his waistband. Well, two things, actually. One was a two foot long sword and the the other, a large meth pipe. The sword was not illegal. the meth he was carrying was. He’s busted.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Iowa City, Iowa where cops were called to a report of a woman locked out of her apartment. Upon arrival, they found bozo Jailin Ward upset, yelling and banging on an apartment window. She told them she’d lost her keys. The cops called the fire department and they were able to break through the door. Case closed, right? Not quite. The police officers stuck around and, when the door was opened, were able to see several pot plants, two bongs, grow lights and a scale inside. Oops. She’s been charged with drug possession.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Pontiac, Michigan where police were called to a report of an ambulance being stolen from outside a hospital. Apparently bozo Bryan Carlton jumped into the vehicle while it was unattended and drove away. Using cellphone technology, the cops were able to track down the ambulance and arrest him. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was headed over to the “Booby Trap”, a topless bar, to “see some pole dancing.” The cops advised him to call a cab next time. He’s been charged with theft of an automobile.
Our bozos for today are hardly criminals but they probably have ended up on Santa’s naughty list anyway. From Mayville, Wisconsin, comes the story of two brothers, ages 6 and 3 who really wanted to get in touch with Santa Claus to let him know exactly what they wanted for Christmas. So, instead of going to the local department store to talk to him, they took a more modern approach. They grabbed Dad’s cellphone and dialed 911. Rather than connecting to the North Pole, they were connected to the local police department. The cops arrived and gave the kids a stern warning, explaining that you need to talk to Santa in person.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Deland, Florida, where the cops were called to the local Walmart on a report of a man getting a little tongue. Upon arrival, they confronted bozo Jason Porter, accusing him of shoplifting $35 worth of beef tongue from the meat counter and slipping it into his pants. He denied the theft and then proceeded to try to remove the tongue from his pants when he thought no one was looking. Obviously $35 worth of tongue is hard to conceal so his efforts were for naught. He’s been charged with theft.
Bozo criminal for today is a Black Friday special. Police in Nampa, Idaho were called to a shopping center the day after Thanksgiving on a report of organized shoplifting. The cops tracked down our bozo shoplifting pair but they were able to flee to the parking lot. Not wanting to endanger shoppers in the busy lot, the cops decided not to pursue them. But, much to their surprise, instead of fleeing, our bozos simply drove in circles around and around the lot. The cops finally laid down a spike strip and our bozos were apprehended.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Uniontown, Pennsylvania, where the cops brought 23-year-old bozo Savannah Tucker down to the station house for public drunkenness. She was patted down and, after no weapons were found, was cited and released. But, as you are no doubt aware, a bozo just can’t leave well enough alone. She returned moments later to complain about being harrassed. And, as she was explaining herself, she fluffed her shirt to straighten in out, and what should fall out but a baggie of crack cocaine. She’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where police had no leads in a residential burglary in which a large number of guns were stolen. Then, they received a phone call from the victim. He told the cops he had just visited a Facebook page of a “friend.” And on that page, our bozo had posted pictures of the guns he had stolen from his “friend’s” house. Bad idea. He’s now been charged with aggravated burglary, larceny of a firearm and tampering with evidence.
With Thanksgiving coming up, today’s Bozo Report shall serve as a word to the wise. Police in Atlanta, Georgia, were called to a Golden Corral buffet restaurant on a report of suspicious activity. After arrival, they discovered two bozos face down, sound asleep with their faces buried in an overflowing plate of food. The cops awakened the man, thereby saving him from possibly inhaling food and choking himself. His female companion didn’t fare so well, as she was found to be in possession of a controlled substance. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Chester, New York, where bozo Kenneth Dover was stopped by the cops for speeding on I 95. Believing he was intoxicated, the cops arrested him and took him downtown for a DUI test. The test was administered and when the results began printing, out bozo grabbed the paper and attempted to eat the results. Bad idea. He’s been charged not only with DUI but also with obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cape Town, South Africa where surveillance cameras caught our bozo criminal as he prowled around the back yard of a residence. Then you see him fleeing in terror and leaping over the fence to make his excape. Finally, the source of his fear comes into the frame. A tiny Yorkshire terrier, weighing no more than six pounds. Police are looking for a thief with cynophobia, the fear of dogs.