Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Next Time Bring Along Some Doublemint

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Yiwu, China, where the local police had set up a drunk driving checkpoint. Our bozo spotted the cops and pulled over about 100 meters from the stop. He jumped out of his Mercedes and scrambled up a hill, before slipping and falling back down. He then began pulling up grass and stuffing it into his mouth, in an apparent attempt to disguise the alcohol on his breath. All this commotion attracted the attention of the cops, who investigated. Even though he denied drinking and driving, he was taken to the police station where he flunked a blood alcohol test. He’s busted!

Ma’am, I’m Going To Have To Ask You To Show Me Your Monkey

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan, where courthouse employees regularly scan every purse and package brought into the building. But, it’s safe to say they’d never seen anything like this. Our bozo put her purse on the conveyor belt and noises started coming from inside. The security guard was shocked by what he saw on his screen. The image of a tiny squirrel monkey. The guard then politely asked the woman to show him her monkey, which she did. After determining the chimp was not a threat, he told her she would have to take the monkey outside, as the only chimps allowed in court are the lawyers. No charges were filed and she was instructed to find a monkey sitter.

“One More” Was One Too Many

Bozo criminal for today from Granbury, Texas, was not a happy drunk. Bozo Shaun Whitaker was at the local bar having a drink and one thing led to another and before you knew it, he was feeling mistreated. In fact he was upset enough that he texted 911 to complain that he had been over-served and over charged. He texted not once, not twice, but 35 times. Bad idea. The cops finally had enough and arrested him for abuse of 911.

Maybe He Was Distracted By a Parrot

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crystal River, Florida, where the police department was really proud of their brand new “Don’t Drink and Drive” drunk driving awareness patrol car. Don’t get ahead of me now…The car was unveiled over the weekend during the big Pirate Fest celebration. Around 10:30 pm, bozo Paul Wallace crashed into the parked police cruiser, which had its flashing lights on. He, of course, said he never saw the vehicle. There were no injuries but our bozo was arrested for DUI and hauled off to jail in the brand new, and now damaged, “Don’t Drink and Drive” car.

That’s No Fire Hose!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Shanghai, China, where our unidentified bozo had just been fired from his job. So, he worked out an elaborate plan to get his revenge. He headed to a nearby ATM and, armed with a black magic marker, attempted to color over the lens of the security camera. Didn’t work, as the camera caught what happened next. He took a hammer from his bag and smashed the ATM. But, he wasn’t done. He then reached into his bag and brought out a container of lighter fluid and lit the machine aflame. The flames quickly spread out of control, and after his attempts to blow the fire out failed, he did what any bozo would do. He unzipped his pants and peed on it. He then made a hasty exit but was soon arrested by the cops, at which time he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said, “Since I don’t have any money, I want to make sure that other people can’t get their money either.” He’s under arrest.

Donuts, Yes! Tacos Probably Not

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington County, Florida, where the cops pulled over a black Honda for a minor traffic violation. The officer noticed two small bags of white powder on the center console and then watched as our bozo tried unsuccessfully to cover the drugs with his cell phone. Under questioning, our bozo dug the hole even deeper for himself as he offered the cops a “hook-up” on Taco Bell food in the future if he would just ignore the dope. The officer thanked him for his offer and placed him under arrest, charged with intent to delivery and attempted bribery.

Things Are Heating Up

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Plaistow, New Hampshire. Bozo Bernardo Lopez had what he thought was a foolproof plan for stealing air conditioners from the local Home Depot. He got himself a Home Depot staff apron and decorated it up, drawing flowers and the name “Shannon” on it. He then loaded two air conditioners on a cart, wheeled them out and loaded them into his pickup truck, thinking no one would question a man wearing a Home Depot apron. His mistake was going back into the store. That’s when the store manager realized no one named “Shannon” worked there and called the cops. When the cops arrived, he denied knowing anything about the incident, but he was unable to explain the presence of the “Shannon” apron in his back pocket. He’s busted!

Mother’s Not Gonna Like This

The Bozo Criminal Report hopes everyone had a good Mother’s Day. Everyone, that is, except for our bozos for today from Navajo County, Arizona. The cops pulled over two bozos on I-40 in Holbrook and became suspicious after a police dog alerted to the scent of drugs. But there seemed to be nothing in the vehicle except for a large package brightly wrapped with Mother’s day paper. They wouldn’t dare, would they? Yep, they would. After unwrapping the present, they found 12 pounds of methamphetamine plus cocaine and a handgun for an estimated street value of $453,000. They spent the rest of Mother’s day in jail.

Boy, Was That a Wrong Number!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mohave County, Arizona, where bozo Richard Norton was on parole, but wasn’t exactly staying on the straight and narrow. In fact, he had gotten together with several friends in a heroin dealing scheme. And, with the world being the way it is today, he didn’t call a prospective purchaser, he texted them. One problem, he got his contacts crossed up and texted the parole office with his offer of heroin for sale. Oops. Officers set up a sting and our bozo and six others were busted!

A Picture Is Worth…Not Much

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in London, England. Any woman who has a Snapchat account knows that they are likely to receive uninvited and sometimes explicit pictures from guys who think a photo of their privates will send any female into an uncontrollable state of excitement. When our bozo sent his privates pic to a woman at 1 am she decided to play along. He asked if she wanted to hook up, she told him “yes” and said her roommate wanted to take part also. And they wanted it now! When he asked for her address, she gave him the postcode for Buckingham Palace. Our bozo entered it into his GPS and said he’d be there in 20 minutes. He kept texting and asking for further directions even after he ended up at the gates of the palace. It was only when the guards threatened to arrest him and she sent him a smiling picture of the queen that he realized that he’d been pranked. Moral to the story. Keep your privates private.

If They’d Put This Much Effort Into Studying…

Bozo criminals for today come from Lexington, Kentucky, where two University of Kentucky students were desperate to pass one of their final exams. So, they hit the books and studied really hard, right? Wrong. Maybe hired another student to tutor them? Nah. Devised an elaborate plan to break into the professor’s office and steal a copy of the test? Yep. Our two bozos got into the air duct system of the Multidisciplinary Science Building and made their way to the professor’s office. Once inside, they were unable to find a copy of the test. Undeterred, they returned later in the evening to give it another try. This time they were caught by the professor who was working late and returned after leaving to get something to eat. Oops. They face third degree burglary charges. And they still have to figure out a way to pass that final!

Truth In T-Shirt Advertising

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Alliance, Ohio. It seems bozo Jeremy Clark hit a car and kept on driving. The victim followed him and confronted him when he stopped to use an ATM. When she questioned our bozo about the accident, he jumped into his car and sped away. The cops were called and they discovered that he left something very important behind. His ATM card. Using this information, they were able to quickly track him down and place him under arrest. Oh, and did we mention his blood alcohol level was .316, nearly four times the legal limit. And that he was wearing a t-shirt that said, “This Guy Needs a Beer.” Seems he needed a few too many.

Hey, That’s NOT Kim Kardashian!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nogales, Arizona, where border patrol agents spotted a rather strange figure attempting to cross the border into the United States in the pedestrian lane. The woman appeared to be having difficulty walking and her backside seemed to be, um, a little out of proportion. They stopped her and discovered that her rather ample buttocks were a result of $45,000 worth of heroin, about three pounds, strapped to her backside inside her pants. She’s busted!

Hillary Loses Another Race

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fayette County, Pennsylvania, where the cops were in hot pursuit of a suspected drunk driver. The woman refused to pull over and led the police on a chase that started in Maryland before ending up in Pennsylvania when the cops used spike strips to stop her. When they asked her to get out of the car, the woman refused and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She claimed to be Hillary Clinton, perhaps thinking that gave her the right to speed. Wrong. She’s been charged with nearly two dozen charges, including DUI, fleeing police, resisting arrest, false identification to a police officer and driving without a license. And, by the way, she wasn’t Hillary Clinton.

Well, a Maglight Wasn’t Available

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco County, Florida, where a County Deputy pulled over a motor scooter that he spotted with a dim headlight. A very dim headlight. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that the actual headlamp was broken and our bozo had come up with a bozo quick fix. He had used a bungee cord to attach his cellphone to the bike’s mirror and was using the phone’s light as a headight. Sorry, that is not considered an acceptable motor vehicle headlight in the state of Florida or anywhere else. He was issued a ticket and told to walk home.

I Wonder If I Could Borrow Your Dog…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bath Township, Ohio where police received a phone call requesting the assistance of a police dog. When the officers arrived, our bozo explained that his girlfriend had stolen some money and some heroin from him and he wondered if the dog could help him recover it. He added to his problems when he reached into his pants and a “brown waxy substance” that appeared to be heroin fell out. This is not the first time our bozo has been in trouble. Earlier this year he was placed under arrest after urinating on a Florida troopers leg after an incident at a Disney property. He’s now facing felony drug charges.

This Whole Thing Smells

Bozo criminals for today come from Tombstone, Arizona, where our bozo smugglers thought they had found the perfect way to ship marijuana. They loaded up a hearse with a casket filled with more than $33,000 worth of pot. And to cover up the evidence from drug sniffing dogs, they also put several bags of cow manure inside the coffin. Didn’t work, however, as Border Control agents spotted the suspicious vehicle and pulled it over. The manure trick was an epic fail as a drug sniffing dog alerted immediately on the coffin. They’re busted!

He Had Plans To Pick Off Those Mice, One By One

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newport, Oregon, where the cops were called to a report of an armed suspect up in a tree. The cops arrived and what they found may not have been exactly what they expected. Visible perched on the branches was a black and white cat with his paw draped over a gun-shaped stick. After determining the cat posed no threat, he was removed from the tree and let go with a stern warning.