Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Maybe the Tartar Sauce Was Spiked

Our bozo for today comes from Adams County, Wisconsin, where bozo John Payne was on trial for drunk driving for the tenth time. This time, he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Police officers testified that they observed our bozo driving erratically and when they pulled him over, there was a “smell of alcohol emitting from his breath.” Our bozo denied he had been drinking and instead testified that he had been to a fish fry, where he consumed a large amount of “beer battered fish.” Not this time, pal. The jury wasn’t buying his story. He now faces up to 12 years in prison.

And Keep the Change!

Our bozo for today from Royal Palm Beach, Florida ended up under arrest due to his inappropriate sense of humor. It all began when bozo Joshua Willis found a three-foot alligator on the side of the road. He then decided he would head over to a nearby Wendy’s, where a friend of his was working the drive-thru. He placed his order and when he received it, he decided it would be very funny to toss the gator through the window. The folks at Wendy’s didn’t see the humor in his actions. The cops were called and our bozo has been charged with aggravated assault and unlawful possession and transportation of an alligator. He’s under arrest. Gator is fine and has been released back into the wild.

He Just Really, Really Wanted a Box of Thin Mints

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hemet, California, where the police department attempted to stop bozo motorcyclist Joseph Carson for a traffic violation but he fled at speeds exceeding 100 MPH. Citing public safety concerns, the cops did not give chase but they did notice our bozo throw a box of something from his bike as he sped away. The police found the item and it was a box of Girl Scout Cookies, with a note from the scout giving her name and number if more cookies were wanted. The cops called the number and the girl confirmed she had just sold a box of cookies to someone on a motorcycle. Other witnesses were able to lead the cops to a nearby trailer park where they found our bozo and his motorcycle. The Girl Scout was able to positively ID the suspect. Case closed.

Smile You’re On Bozo Camera

Bozo criminal for today comes from Batavia, Illinois, where our bozo was in need of some quick cash. And an easy way to get it is to break into a vending machine, right? Not if that vending machine is at an arcade and not if it is a photo booth. Yep, he entered the photo booth and began jimmying the cash box, not realizing that if you damage the mechanism in any way, it takes a picture. It got a nice shot that will save the police the trouble of taking a mug shot.

They Should Be Strung Up

Bozo criminals for today come from Ludington, Michigan, where the cops were called to the local Walmart on a report of a disturbance. Upon arrival, they found quite a mess, with evidence of a big Silly String fight littered over several aisles of the store. Apparently bozos Derek Gonzalez and Samantha Curtis held a big Silly String battle inside the store, emptying several cans of the stuff and leaving quite the mess. To add insult to injury for store employees, our bozos refused to pay for the cans they had emptied. The cops caught up with them in the parking lot and charged them with third degree retail fraud.

Hey, a Man’s Gotta Make a Living!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Christopher Ellis was in court to face charges of driving with a suspended license. And since the court date caused him to miss a day of work, our bozo decided to do a little freelancing in the courtroom. Police say he walked up to a man in the courtroom and asked him if he wanted to buy some Suboxone pills. Bad idea. The man reported the attempted sale to deputies, our bozo was searched and found to be in possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver. He’s busted!

This Is Some Ruff Heroin

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plymouth, Wisconsin, where the cops set up a drug buy on a tip from a confidential informant. Our bozo offered to sell them some “boy” which is slang for heroin. The cops made the buy and our bozo was arrested, but it was her rather unusual “heroin” that landed her in the bozo report. What she was trying to pass off as heroin was simply crushed dog food. But, she wasn’t quite done yet. As she was being loaded into the police car, she asked the cops if they would be so kind as to retrieve her keys, phone and wallet from her vehicle. The cops obliged, and while they were in the car they also found drug paraphernalia and a powdery substance that appeared to be actual drugs and not just dog food. She’s busted!

His “I’m With Stupid” Shirt Was Dirty

Our bozo criminal for today from Baden, Pennsylvania, added himself to the long list of bozos guilty of bad fashion decisions. Police were called to a report of a shoplifter at a local convenience store. The cops surrounded our bozo suspect in his pickup truck, who threw the truck into reverse and crashed into one of the police vehicles, knocking one of the cops out of his car. He then fled, leading the cops on a chase, all the while throwing drug paraphernalia out of the window as he drove. The chase ended when he crashed into a shed in a resident’s backyard. It was then he was found to be wearing our Bozo T-Shirt of the Day, which said, proudly, “Really Good At Making Really Bad Decisions.” He’s under arrest.

But Officer, I Deserve to Celebrate the End Of My Probation!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where bozo Krystal Curtis had successfully completed her probation for drug charges. So, to celebrate, she did what any bozo would do. She rented a hotel room, picked up some booze and marijuana and invited several of her friends to celebrate. Bad idea on several levels. First, six of her invited friends were minors. Second, the party got loud and rowdy, causing other guests at the hotel to call the cops. She’s back under arrest.

Sorry, I Just Really Like That New Taylor Swift Song

No criminal activity this morning in our story from the International File in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, but it does confirm something we’ve always known: It’s never a good idea to sing while wearing headphones. Cops were called to an apartment on reports of a man screaming in agony. The cops arrived at the residence and could hear “terrifying screams” coming from the apartment. After repeated knocks were not answered, the officers went in, bashing down the door. Inside they found our bozo, a professional opera singer, wearing headphones and happily singing at the top of his lungs. Oops. No charges were filed.

They Got Their Just Desserts

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Laverton, Western Australia where a couple of bozos were in need of some petrol. They spotted a large tour bus and, under cover of darkness, crept up to it and unscrewed the gas cap. Now, the next step is to get the siphon going, so insert a hose and…suck. So far, so good, right? Wrong. The cap they unscrewed was for the sewage tank, not the gas tank. Yikes. The cops report our bozos beat a hasty retreat after getting a mouthful of poo.

A Self-Bust

We all know that pot smokers are a paranoid bunch and today’s story from Rexburg, Idaho, proves it. It seems our bozo duo was transporting a load of pot from Las Vegas to Bozeman, Montana, when they began sampling their shipment. It was pretty strong stuff and before long our bozos became convinced that they were surrounded by a “bunch of cops in civilian cars” on the highway. And they were so sure that the passing motorists were indeed cops looking for them that they called 911 to give themselves up. They told the dispatcher that they had had enough and were “wondering if you could help us out and just end it.” They gave the 911 operator their location and when the cops arrived, they were both standing outside the car with their hands above their heads. The cops, who had not been looking for our bozos, were more than happy to arrest them and confiscate the pot, valued at about $16,000,

It’s Not a Bribe, More Like Asking For a Favor

Our bozo for today comes from the When Is a Bribe Not a Bribe File. The obvious answer, when you’re in Italy. A drunk bozo in Rome, Italy, offered a cop a 100 euro bribe in an attempt to avoid being given a ticket for DUI. The cop wrote him a ticket anyway, and threw in charges of attempted bribery. Our bozo had a different point of view, saying that 100 euros (about $110) was “too small” to be considered a bribe. More like a “gift.” He appealed all the way to the Italian Supreme Court. And the court agreed, saying his thinking was impaired and the amount was too small to be considered corruption. His victory isn’t too sweet, however, as the court upheld the drunken driving conviction, which carries a fine of up to 6200 euros and up to a year in prison.

Break-In Tools, Check. Getaway Car, Check. Keys…Keys???

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Pole, Alaska. Bozo Joseph Box thought everything was going according to plan. He broke into a laundry and fitness business and stole numerous items, including tools and stereo equipment. Surveillance video shows him hauling the stuff to the car and then, looking distressed, making a call on his cell phone. A few minutes later, a cab arrives and the cabbie helps the man get into his locked car. Yep, our bozo burglar locked his keys inside his getaway car and then called the cab service to help him break in. Not a good idea. The cops contacted the cab company, bot his name and cellphone number and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Walter White Never Had These Problems

Bozo criminal for today from St. Augustine, Florida, violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 3302239: If you’re shoplifting from Walmart, it’s not a good idea to have a meth lab in your getaway car. Bozo James Sparks loaded $1700 worth of stuff in his shopping cart and left without paying. Needless to say this attracted the attention of security guards who called the cops. The cops arrived to find our bozo loading the stuff into his SUV, which also contained a “one-pot” meth lab inside. And to make matters worse, it wasn’t even his car, he had “borrowed” if from a friend. After going through a decontamination procedure our bozo was taken to jail.

Assault With a Snotty Weapon

It is the cold and flu season, as our bozo for today from Channahon, Illinois, will confirm. Bozo Melissa Abrams was in a Will County Courtroom on charges of DUI when she began causing problems, putting her feet on the seats and speaking loudly while the judge was on the bench. When the judge told her to be quiet, our bozo stood up, approached the bailiff, and sneezed directly in his face, leaving a trail of “mucous-like substance” on the bailiff. Yuck. She was jailed on a assault charge.

Assault With a Woody Weapon

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Pedro, California, where bozo Denise Adams walked into a bank armed with a stick and demanded money. Yes, she pointed a stick at the teller and asked for cash. Not surprisingly, the teller told her to get lost and she walked away, with the bank’s security guard following her. The guard called the cops and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Sweet or Unsweet?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pembroke Pines, Florida, where bozo Bryan Lawson is accused of breaking into one residence there and attempting another break-in before fleeing in a stolen car. Our bozo didn’t get very far before he crashed the car into a truck. Uninjured, he fled End of story, right? Wrong. Police were on the scene investigating when our bozo returned and attempted to retrieve a bottle of iced tea he had left in the vehicle. Bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Honest Officer, I Just Had the One Drink After He Missed That Field Goal

Our bozo criminal for today from St. Paul, Minnesota, comes from the Adding Insult to Injury Department. After last weekend’s heartbreaking loss by the Minnesota Vikings to the Seattle Seahawks, police were called to a report of a break-in at the unoccupied police station on the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. An officer arrived at the scene and discovered a locked door had been forced open. He called for backup and officers quickly surrounded the building. Our bozo was ordered to come out with his hands up, which he did, with some difficulty. The reason soon became obvious. Our bozo was an extremely drunken Vikings fan who had confused the building with his residence. Yep, he was dead drunk and thought the police station on the fairgrounds was his house. Trespassing charges are pending.

But At Least It Was a Good Picture

Our bozo for today was tripped up by his own vanity. From Lima, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Donald Pugh, who was wanted by the cops for failure to appear in court on a drunk driving charge. After the cops posted our bozo’s mugshot on social media, they received a surprising reply. Our bozo sent them a new selfie, which he said was a much better picture, complaining that the other one was “terrible.” Bad idea. The new photo led to him being grabbed by the cops in Florida, who recognized him from the selfie. He’s now under arrest on a variety of charges.