Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Jacksonville Beach, Florida, where bozo Jacob Martin entered a convenience store in a full Darth Vader costume. Instead of a light saber he was toting a handgun, which he pointed at the clerk while demanding cash. The clerk, obviously not in fear of the Sith Lord, reached behind him and grabbed a jar of blue cheese salad dressing which he hurled at Mr. Vader, striking him dead-on in the helmet. This caused our bozo to beat a hasty retreat, where he was seen outside removing his helmet before getting in his car and driving away. Using eyewitness accounts, the cops were able to track down Darth who was found to be bleeding from the bridge of his nose. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wayne, New Jersey, where bozo Hayley Shurr had been drinking with friends in a bar. When it came time to leave, she noticed a police car parked near the Grasshopper Bar and Grill. Thinking it was too risky to drive, she called a cab, right? Wrong. Maybe used a designated driver? Nope. Called 911 with a false report of a woman being assaulted in the parking lot of nearby bar to distract the officer? Yep. And her plan would have worked…except that she just couldn’t resist bragging about it. She later posted on Facebook, “LMAO…2 minutes later the cop peals out…silly piggies tricks r for u.” Bad idea. The cops monitor Facebook, too. She’s been arrested on charges of filing false reports to law enforcement and creating false public alarm.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Marion County, Florida, where a sheriff’s department helicopter pilot complained that he was temporarily blinded by a laser beam. Investigating officers were surprised to find out what the source of the laser actually was. The cops tracked down bozo Mark Greene, who admitted that he had taken his Bosley Laser Hair Growth Comb outside to experiment with it. Don’t know if the thing will grow hair, but apparently it’s laser is strong enough to shine into a police helicopter overhead. Our bozo is now under arrest, charged with unlawful use of a, er, comb.
Bozo criminals for today from Norfolk, Virginia, violated Bozo Rule Number 330398: First check the backseat, then steal the car. Our two bozos spotted a car left with the keys in the ignition at the local post office. Thinking the opportunity was too good to pass up, they jumped in and drove away. They didn’t get very far before they noticed they had company. A young boy in the back seat. He told them he needed to get to school at Ghent Elementary. Proving that some bozos aren’t all bad, they dropped him off at the school and ditched the car a short distance away. The cops found the kid sitting in the classroom with a smile on his face. Nice guys or not, if the cops find our bozos they’ll be charged with both theft and kidnapping.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where our unidentified bozo smuggler had it all planned out. He would wrap the contraband in corn husks and conceal it in his luggage when he arrived at the Los Angeles International Airport. Guess he didn’t account for the increased security these days as eagle-eyed inspectors spotted the illegal cargo almost immediately. The contraband was removed and destroyed and our bozo was fined. And the illegal cargo? Marijuana? Nope. Cocaine, maybe? Nope. Explosives? Nope. Tamales? Yep. It seems it’s illegal to bring foreign meat products into the country. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Waco, Texas, where bozo Anthony Swain was in town for the big football game between Baylor and Oklahoma. We’re not sure if he made it to the game, but he certainly made it to the liquor store. Somehow, he ended up on the front steps of the county courthouse at 8:15 a.m. Saturday. Finding the door unlocked, he let himself in and curled up between the counsel rail and the first row seats and went to sleep. It was when the cops arrived in response to the burglar alarm that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers he couldn’t imagine what he had done wrong. It seems he had confused the courthouse with his hotel, the Waco Hilton. He was charged with trespassing and taken to the jail to finish sleeping it off.
Our bozo criminal for today comes from the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., where there are usually a lot of strange things going on, but this one is a first. Our unidentified victim was standing in line at a convenience store when the woman behind him began backing toward him. When she got within range, she began twerking vigorously in his private area. Shocked by her actions, the victim asked for help from the clerk who replied, “What do you want me to do?” Fearing for his safety, or at least the safety of his privates, the unidentified vicitm fled the scene and called the cops. Using the store’s video surveillance tape, the cops were able to ID the twerking perp. She’s under arrest and charged with third degree sexual abuse.
Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Odense, Denmark, did what hundreds of bozos before them have attempted to do. Duplicate a daring prison escape, just as seen in the movies. Guards received a report of a disturbance and found wet footprints leading from the enclosure, down a corridor, in what appeared to be a mad rush for freedom. Unfortunately, the corridor turned out to be a dead end as the door at the end was locked. Our bozos were rounded up and taken back to their cage. Yes, cage. The bozos were a group of penguins that were attempting an escape, much like the one seen int he movie Madagascar. Better luck next time, guys.
Our bozos for today come from Fuzhou, China, where Single’s Day is a national holiday featuring sales on online products. Our newlywed couple decided to take advantage of the deals and within two hours had spent $3142, exceeding their credit limit. This might have been fine except for one thing. Upon investigation of what had been bought, they discovered that they hadn’t bought any gifts for each other. Uh-oh. Name calling and insinuations ensued, with the loving couple accusing each other of only buying gifts for themselves and their family and spending hard-earned money on worthless junk. The argument continued until 3 a.m. at which point they called the cops to help settle the dispute. Officers arrrived and defused the situation by telling the kids to spend their money more reasonably. Like maybe on counseling.
Our bozo for today from Alcante, Spain, proves that motherly love knows no bounds. Our 73-year-old bozo, who shall remain unidentified, paid a visit to her son who was a prisoner in Fontcalent prison. And she came bearing gifts. It’s what the gifts were and where she concealed them that got her in trouble. She took small doses of cocaine and heroin, as well as tranquilizers, and hid them inside a Kinder Egg, a popular egg shapedchocolate treat. She then wrapped the egg in a condom and inserted it in, um, a very private area. Her plan went awry when the guards announced she would be frisked before entering the prison. At which time she popped out the egg and handed it to prison guards. Whew. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kobe, Japan, where our bozo weirdo had a fetish for taking pictures of women in their underwear, specifically the “upskirt” variety. So, at 3 a.m., when there was no one around, he lowered himself through a sewer grate in the sidewalk and positioned himself so he could take some rush hour pictures. So far, so good. And then daylight arrived and one of the pedesterians noticed our bozo’s hair sticking out through the grate and called the cops. Oops. He’s busted!
Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but he does prove that some things are better left to a professional. From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, police, ambulances and the fire department were called to a report of a loud explosion and a shirless man brandishing what appeared to be a weapon. Upon arrival, the cops couldn’t find anything amiss. The only thing they saw was a shirtless man placing a large piece of plastic over his open window. Upon questioning, they discovered that the man was making an unsuccessful attempt at some home improvements. He explained that he was home alone trying to hang some curtains, when he dropped his power drill. The drill fell through the window, shattering it and landing on a tin roof below with a loud boom. He was left to put a sheet of plastic over his broken window while he found someone who hopefully knows how to replace a window AND hang a curtain.
Our bozo criminal for today from Daytona Beach, Florida where bozo Justin Green had a target and a plan. He targeted the Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet for robbery. But not just any stick-up. Instead, he planned to crawl through the ceiling and drop into the manager’s office, where he would steal the night’s recepts. Two flaws in the plan. One:his timing. He chose to crawl through the ceiling during the 6pm rush hour at the restaurant. Second flaw: his weight. Restaurant patrons complained they could hear noises coming from above just before he came crashing through, landing on a shocked diner. Oh, and even if he had made it to the office, the receipts are placed in a locked safe. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where a local park was having its annual Fright Night festivities. Part of the event was an appearance by a life size version of the “Mystery Machine” van from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. Patrons, both adults and children, were enjoying the event when, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, bozo Justin Kinney decided to jump atop the van. Families watched in horror as our bozo danced briefly while drinking a can of Budweiser. Maybe he didn’t like their reaction, as he then proceeded to drop his pants and moon the crowd. While it was a “fright night”, things where not supposed to get this scary. He’s been charged with public intoxication and indecent exposure.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Connellsville, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a report of a break-in at the local supermarket. A security guard told the cops he saw our bozo enter the store through an air conditioning vent and then lower himself to the floor with a rope ladder. The cops took a quick look around the store and our bozo was nowhere to be found. Then, they went up to the roof, where they found our bozo, who offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had merely climbed up to the roof of the store to sleep. Since he was lacking an explanation for the ladder and why he was covered in dirt and grime from the air vent, he was placed under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Jefferson County, Missouri, where Zane Clark was working in the woods, clearing trees as part of his lawn and tree service business. He had just cut down a tree and was loading the wood onto his tractor to take back to his truck when he saw our bozo driving away in the vehicle. Clark put the tractor into high gear and took off in hot pursuit, at the same time giving the cops a call on his cell phone. Since the heist took place on a gravel road deep in the woods, it’s not surprising that our bozo quickly managed to get the truck stuck. And that’s when the John Deere really went into action. Clark pulled the tractor right up behind the truck, put the bucket down and told our bozo, “Bud, you ain’t going nowhere.” And he didn’t. The cops arrived soon thereafter and our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Brookhaven, Georgia, where bozo Michael Foster had just enjoyed his customary sausage biscuit at the local Waffle House. When he was presented with the bill, he was shocked to discover that the price of the breakfast delicacy had gone up, to $1.50. To say this upset him would be an understatement. He cursed the waitress before storming out, punching the door as he exited, shattering the glass. He was quickly apprehended by the cops, and, after getting stitched up at the local hospital, was charged with felony damage to business property, criminal trespass and disorderly conduct.
Our frightfully scary story for today comes from Logan, West Virginia, where secretaries at the Logan County prosecutor’s office decorated the place for Halloween, including a big display of plastic spiders. What they didn’t realize was that one of the assistant prosecutors had a deathly fear of spiders. When the prosecutor came in, he did what any bozo would do, He pulled a pistol and threatened to blow those creepy critters away. He probably should have reached for the Raid instead. Fortunately, the gun was not loaded and no one was injured. Police say the incident is still under investigation. Happy Halloween!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where the cops stopped bozo Anthony Lopez for speeding and weaving from lane to lane. After noting he had slurred speech and alcohol on his breath, he was loaded into a police cruiser and taken downtown. While on the trip, our bozo began talking to himself. To their amazement, he began discussing with himself about how he had to get out of the car and return home to get rid of the drugs he had there. Thanks for the tip. After getting a search warrant, the cops found drugs and a sawed off shotgun at the residence.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Branson, Missouri, where organizers had put together a big Monopoly Tournament. Things took a bad turn when Bozo John Long was asked to refrain from taking part in this year’s tournament after he allegedly engaged in unsportsmanlike conduct during the previous year’s match. Our bozo didn’t take this well, to say the least. He started throwing punches at other participants and the whole thing quickly deteriorated into a full fledged brawl. Cops were called and, not surprisingly, he had to go directly to jail.