Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But the Sign Says “Loans For Any Purpose”!

Bozo criminal for today from Spartanburg, South Carolina, needed some cash, so he headed to a nearby title loans office. Things were going well until he got to the line on the application for “reason for loan.” Thinking honesty was the best policy, he told the truth and filled out “to purchase meth” on the form. Bad idea. The clerk faxed a message to her manager, who was at another office, who called the cops. Our bozo was still waiting for the loan to be processed when the police arrived. The officers found our bozo to be in possession of a glass container with a white rock like substance inside. He told the cops it was cocaine, but he was not going to smoke it because he “did meth.” Not for a while. He’s under arrest.

Just Put That Baggie In My Safe Deposit Box

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita Falls, Texas, where Louis Martin headed down to the local bank drive-thru to make a deposit. He placed his items in the tube and sent them over to the teller. She opened the tube and found cash, checks, and a folded piece of paper. Not, the paper wasn’t a note to the teller. Instead inside the paper she found a blue plastic baggie filled with a crystal-like substance. A manager was called over and the cops were called. It seems our bozo had somehow sent .91 grams of methamphetamine along with his money for depositing. Sorry this is a bank, not a hiding place for your stash. He’s busted!

Hamming It Up

Bozo criminal for today comes from Avon, New York. Deputies attempted to pull over bozo John Parker on a traffic violation. Instead, our bozo led them on a chase down Interstate 390, then through several lawns before finally coming to a stop at the local fire hall. But he wasn’t giving up that easily. Our bozo sought refuge inside the hall, but found it to be packed with people who were attending a fund-raising ham raffle. An off-duty deputy who’s also a volunteer firefighter grabbed our bozo and held him until the offices arrived. He’s been charged with DUI and fleeing from police.

Honest Guys, It Was So Easy, I Came Back For You

Bozo criminal for today from Fairbanks, Alaska, forgot basic Bozo Rule Number 110874: In the Bozo World, if at first you succeed, don’t try again. Bozo Joshua Warren made his escape from a minimum security halfway house by riding away on a bicycle. But he just couldn’t leave well enough alone. He stole an SUV and returned to the place to pick up some of his friends. Didn’t work this time. The cops caught up with him at a nearby residence. He’s now been moved to a more secure facility.

But, Look, It Says Right Here “Not Guilty”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Russell Fox for sending in today’s report from Boston, Massachusetts. Bozo David Simpson was charged and convicted for stealing a laptop from Suffolk University Law School, where he had been a student. He was given a 90-day prison sentence, but the judge decided to go easy on him, placing him on probation for two years. Apparently that still wasn’t good enough, as our bozo has been charged with returning to the clerk’s office and demanding to see his verdict slip, which is public record. He then allegedly swapped the “guilty” verdict slip with one he had forged and checked the “not guilty” box. Not surprisingly, the cops caught the forgery and now our bozo faces 20 years in prison instead of the 90 days with probation. Oops.

You Really Can Get Anything On Craigslist

Bozo criminal for today comes from York County, South Carolina, where bozo James Clayton had some marijuana for sale. So he did what any bozo would do. He placed an ad on Craigslist. The ad got straight to the point, saying, “Pot…I SELL WEED-$200.” He also included his photo and phone number. This was simply too much for the cops to pass up. An officer texted the number and asked if it was real. Our bozo called back, asked what the agent wanted, and set up a location to meet. Bad, bad idea. He’s busted!

She Must Still Be Counting To 100

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carroll, Iowa, where the owner of a recycling business briefly thought his shop was haunted when he heard someone whisper “get out of here.” Turned out not to be a ghost, but a naked bozo in the chimney. The cops were called, along with the fire department, and our bozo was extricated. It was his excuse for being in the chimney that landed the 29-year-old in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he was “playing hide and seek with my cousin” and got stuck. He had no explanation for why he was naked. He’s under arrest.

Maybe He Was Just Waiting For Someone To Clean the Windshield and Check the Oil

There could be a couple of potential bozos involved in our story today from Lancaster, California. We’ll leave it up to you to make the call on who the real bozo is. Cellphone video footage from the Valero gas station in Lancaster shows a woman, apparently an employee of the station, taking a baseball bat to a truck that is parked next to one of the station’s gas pumps. She is heard saying, “I told you to move!” The owner of the truck says he had filled up with gas and then lost track of time while making calls on his phone. He admits that he may have been sitting in front of the pump for more than an hour. The cops were called and the woman was arrested on charges of vandalism. No word on the fate of the truck.

Yes, We Have No Bananas

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Algeciras, Spain, violated Bozo Rule Number 333876: If you are smuggling contraband, it’s not a good idea to mark your shipment. Spanish National Police at the Port of Algeciras were checking in a shipment when they noticed one of the offloaded pallets had a large red “X” on it. This was enough to make them suspicious, so they brought the pallet over for further inspection. It contained 19 boxes, each holding 88 green plastic bananas. And inside the bananas…376 pounds of cocaine. Busted!

And You Have No Money For a Tip, Either?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Mount Healthy, Ohio, where bozo Destiny Wilkins ran up a $20.30 bill at the Gold Star Chili restaurant. Only problem, she didn’t have the 20 bucks to pay the bill. So, she did what any bozo would do. She dialed 911 to report a robber with a gun inside the restaurant. Fourteen officers from three law enforcement agencies responded and found the restaurant empty except for the employees and our bozo. After determining that no robbery had occurred, the cops determined that Ms. Wilkins had been in the restaurant for three hours and had no money to pay the bill. A quick check of her cell phone showed the 911 call. Oops. She’s been charged with disrupting public service, making false alarms and theft.

Fill the Bag Or It’ll Shoot!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rohnert Park, California, where bozo Robert Hart walked into a car wash and dropped an empty potato chip bag on the counter. He then told the attendant to fill the bag with cash, warning that he had a gun. When the clerk indicated he didn’t see a gun, our bozo gestured toward the potato chip bag, indicating that the gun was in the bag. Unfortunately, the bag was turned toward the clerk and he could easily see that all that was in the bag was a gun shaped piece of cardboard. Oops. Our bozo fled empty-handed. Cops are looking for a criminal with the scent of sour cream and onion on his breath.

I Don’t Have Anything On Me, and I Can Prove It

Bozo criminal for today comes from Blackman, Township, Michigan, where security guards at the local Walmart noticed bozo Angela Hoffman acting strangely. She checked out with a shopping cart full of items, and then stopped in the foyer, past theft-detecting sensors. She then left the cart behind to go back in and grab a few more items. Without paying, of course. When the loss prevention staff confronted her, she said she had nothing to hide, and proceeded to pull her top up and her pants down. In addition, she bit the staff member on his arm. Bad idea. Cops were called and she was charged with indecent exposure, destruction of property, assault and unarmed robbery.

She Was Looking For a Place That Sells Cream Cheese

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida, where the police responded to a theft of a Bagel King delivery truck from a gas station at 2:18 a.m. An officer spotted the truck a short time later, but our bozo refused to pull over. Several other cruisers joined in the chase which continued through three counties before the cops were able to block the truck’s path. Our bozo was taken into custody and charged with grand theft auto. No bagels were harmed in the incident.

Um…That’s Fire Extinguisher Spray, Not Invisibility Spray

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spring Hill, Florida, where bozo Anthony Carson smashed the window of the local Family Dollar store with a cinder block. Neighbors heard the sound of breaking glass and the cops were called. Our bozo fled to a apartment complex where the cops found two spent fire extinguishers and a large amount of white powdery substance sprayed around the area. Nearby, the cops found our bozo, who told the cops he had sprayed himself with the fire extinguishers in an attempt to hide from the officers. Didn’t work. He’s busted.

It’s Going To Take More Than One of Those Pine Tree Thingys To Get Rid of This Smell

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where the game wardens were on the lookout for illegal alligator poachers. They pulled over our bozo in a Wildlife Management Area to check the vehicle’s day-use pass and noticed a rather strong smell coming from inside the truck. Upon further investigation, they found the source of the aroma. A severed alligator foot sticking out of a compartment in the dashboard. They also found other alligator parts scattered throughout the cab of the truck. After initially trying to say the parts were from a gator he had taken several years ago, he confessed to the poaching and was charged with illegal hunting.

Lights, Camera, Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cheektowaga, New York, where it was just an ordinary day at the local Restaurant Depot store until Renee Fletcher showed up. Bozo Renee picked up a jar of mayonnaise and headed for the checkout, where she presented a $100 bill in payment. The cashier thought the bill felt a little funny and upon closer examination she noticed the words “for motion picture use only” printed boldly across the front of the bill. Yep, our bozo was trying to use “prop” money from a movie set to buy a jar of mayonnaise. Local officials and the Secret Service were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Is That a Snake In Your Pants…

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the owners of a pet shop had been the victims of a number of thefts of high end snakes and lizards but hadn’t been able to catch the thief. So, they set up some surveillance cameras and were shocked by what they saw. Bozo Thomas Wallace walked into the shop, picked up a baby python and…shoved it into his pants. Must have been some really baggy pants. Employees were waiting for him as he headed for the exit and held him until the cops arrived. He was caught red, uh, pants-ed!

Hold Your Calls, Please!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alliance, Ohio, where bozo Charles Logan was arrested for dealing crystal meth. That alone would not merit his inclusion in the Bozo Report. It was his customers that made his story a little different. After arresting our bozo, the cops also found themselves in possession of his cell phone, which, to say the least, was a very popular number. After fielding call after call from prospective buyers, the cops finally had to take to social media. They posted a photo of the phone along with a message: “We have his phone and are trying to read all your texts and are going through his contacts, but you keep calling…” They then added, “First of all, he’s out of drugs for tonight. Secondly, you don’t need to call-we will come see you soon enough.” Yikes! Case closed.

The Cup Says “Water” and We Mean Water!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Springdale, Arkansas. Three bozos in the drive-thru at the local McDonalds asked for complimentary cups of water. After receiving their drinks, our bozos parked and walked inside. They then proceeded to pour out the water and refill the cups with soda. The manager was having none of it and demanded that they return the drinks. Two of them did, but bozo Cody Allen took his drink and sped away. Bad idea. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested at a nearby bowling alley, still in possession of the soda in question. Hope it was at least super-sized, as he’s been charged with felony robbery.

Another Bad Wardrobe Choice

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kensington, New Hampshire, where the cops responded to a report of a motor vehicle accident in front of the police department headquarters. A car crossed the northbound lane, drove through a stone wall and a granite post before striking a utility pole and becoming entangled in the pole’s guide wires. Officers said the driver, bozo Joshua Taylor suffered minor injuries and appeared intoxicated. He didn’t help himself any with his choice of T-shirt which said, “This guy needs a beer.” Apparently he’d already had several. He’s been charged with DUI.