Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Tapping Out Doesn’t Mean You Get To Go Free

Our bozo for today from Phoenix, Arizona, gets our Bozo Bad Choice award. Cesar Barrera was looking for a house to break into. He found a nice one that apperared to have no one at home and went about his business. Unfortunately, the homeowner and his wife returned while he was still inside. Even more unfortunately, the home belonged to WWE Champion Daniel Bryan and his wife, who is also a WWE star known as Brie Bella. Not surprisingly, our bozo was no match for the champ who subdued him with a choke hold and held him until the cops arrived. Busted!

But Officer, I Have Bills I Have To Pay!

Our bozo for today from Rice Lake, Wisconsin, had a problem. He was deep in debt because of a number of court fees and was in danger of going to jail if he couldn’t pay them. So, he got a second job, right? Nope. Maybe took out a second mortgatge? No. Robbed a bank to get the cash? Yeah, that’s the plan. He held up the Sterling Bank and got away with an undisclosed amount of money, but was quickly apprehended. Meanwhile, those court fees just keep on growing.

Revenge!

Our bozo for today from Gainesville, Florida proves the old adage that what goes around, comes around. It seems bozo Joseph Carpenter had been drinking and rear-ended another vehicle at a stop light. He jumped out of his truck and ran up to the car he hit and began banging on the window. The driver of the other car, frightened, simply drove away. End of story. Except for one thing. In his haste to confront the other driver, our bozo had failed to put his truck into park. When she drove away, the truck rolled forward, running over his foot. After being treated for his injuries, he was arrested and charged with DUI and DUI property damage.

If Only She’d Carried a Fanny Pack

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brandon, Alberta, Canada, where bozo Kate McIntosh had a really fun time at a bar with two female friends. Her problems began when she decided to skip out on their $160 tab, which included a pitcher of beer, chicken wings, nachos and 23 shots. The ladies did manage to walk out of the bar, but our bozo left one very important piece of evidence behind. Her purse. She was placed under arrest when she came back looking for it.

But It Looked Like Such a Nice Place to Hide

Bozo criminal for today comes from Biloxi, Mississippi, where Roger Brown was pulled over by the cops for speeding. Seeing a large building with lots of cars parked in front of it nearby, our bozo decided he’d be better off making a run for it. As the officer approached his car, our bozo made a break and started running toward the nearby building. We can only assume he thought there would be someplace he could hide inside. He was wrong. Apparently he didn’t notice most of the cars parked out front were police cars. Guess he also didn’t notice the big sign on the building that said, “Harrison County Law Enforcement Training Academy.” Yep, he fled from the cops by running into a police academy. He’s busted, charged with possession of cocaine, resisting arrest and careless driving.

He Just Couldn’t Quit Thinking About That Burrito

Bozo criminal for today comes from Costa Mesa, California, where bozo Daniel Sanders drove up to the local El Pollo Loco restaurant and and demanded cash from the drive-thru window. He got away with an undisclosed amount of money, and also left with something else. A powerful craving for some of that El Pollo Loco food, which must have smelled really good while he was waiting in the drive-thru lane. So, he did what any bozo would do. He returned a short time later to purchase a meal. Unfortunately he didn’t bother to change out of the clothes he wore during the robbery, including a unique cap with a bright pink cartoon character on it. Employees recognized him and called the cops. He was arrested while standing in line waiting for his food.

If He’d Had Any Poli-Grip the Charges Would Have Been Upped to a Felony

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakewood, Washington, where bozo Kenneth Carlson had a simple request of his girlfriend. Please clean my ears. The cops were called to their trailer park residence after she refused and violence ensued. Apparently her refusal so angered our bozo that he broke a door off the hinges and poured water on her, damaging her hearing aid. But, there’s more! He then chomped down on her arm with his toothless mouth, not breaking the skin, but “still enough to hurt.” He’s been charged with assault by gumming.

Well, Maybe If It Had Been Donuts…

Bozo criminal for today comes from the “seemed like a good idea at the time” department. From Corbin, Kentucky, comes the story of bozo Charles Baker who was being booked into the county jail on charges of shoplifting. Somehow, our bozo got a moment alone and called the local pizza shop and ordered five pizzas delivered to the station for “Officer Wilson”, who just happened to be the officer who arrested him. Nice gesture, but bribery by pizza doesn’t work. He now faces additional charges of impersonating a police officer and theft by deception.

And Next I’m Going After the Cantaloupe

Over the years on the Bozo Criminal Report, we’ve reported bozos placed under arrest for any number of reasons, but today we have a first. From Thomaston, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Carmine Carillo who was going through a nasty divorce. His wife busted him by turning in to the cops containers or prescription pills and marijuana she found hidden in his tool box. He retaliated by placing a watermelon on her kitchen table and stabbing it with a butcher knife, which apparently is illegal in Connecticut. The cops were called and our bozo was charged with misdemeanor counts of threatening and disorderly conduct.

“I Told You We Should Have Used a 4-Wheel Drive”

Bozo criminals for today come from DeLand, Florida, where our bozo team of Sara Lang and Steve Moore had big plans for a neighborhood burglary. They had staked out their target home, and, when no one was home, broke in and stole numerous items, including power tools, extension cords an iPad and women’s clothing. It seemed they had planned everything perfectly. Now, all they had to do was drive away. But that turns out to be the one part of the heist that was not completely thought out. To get out of the neighborhood, a U-turn would be required. Our bozos attempted to make the maneuver and ended up getting their vehicle stuck in a ditch, with one wheel hanging off a driveway. When the cops arrived, our bozos offered up a lame excuse. They told the officer they were driving around the neighborhood to familiarize themselves with the area because they were starting a newspaper route. When they couldn’t explain all the stolen stuff in their car, they were placed under arrest.

Sounds Like Brain Freeze

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where it’s been another hot summer. And you know the old saying, hot weather brings out the bozos. Bozo Michael Dawson has been charged with attempted burglary at a snow cone stand. This wouldn’t usually have merited mention except for the fact that our bozo tried to break into the store while it was still open. A frightened employee called the cops around 1 pm to report a man was trying to break a door knob at the back of the stand. When the cops arrived, our bozo explained that he was trying to break in because he “wanted a snow cone.” Don’t know why he didn’t go to the front window like everyone else. He’s been charged with burglary, trespassing and public drunkenness.

She Had To Get To the Pub Before the World Cup Game Started

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Chadderton, England, where bozo Ann Hendricks was involved in a traffic accident. Obviously she was a bozo with places to go and didn’t feel it was important to stick around to talk to the cops. The cops didn’t feel the same way and, after doing some investigating, found her in a nearby pub. It was when they asked her to take a breath test that she came up with the Bozo Response of the week. She declined. Her reason? She was “too busy drinking.” Next time come up with a different excuse. She was arrested and charged with DUI.

Are We Sure Mr. Ed Didn’t Put Her Up To It?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fyffe, Alabama, where bozo Christine Saunders had a plan to rob a store. Everything thing was in place except her getaway vehicle. So, she stole one on the way to the crime. It was her choice of “vehicle” that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Police were called to a convenience store with a report of a robbery in progress. When they arrived they were surprised to see a horse tied up out front,with a bag of Keystone Light cans hanging from the saddle. Yep, our bozo planned to use the steed for her getaway. She’s been charged with public intoxication and possession of a prohibited beverage. The horse’s owner declined to press charges.

Hail To the…Um…Cops!

Our bozo criminal for today was a wanted man, after jumping bail in a drug and drunken drving case in Ithaca, New York. Under these circumstances, you’d want to keep a low profile, and only come out of hiding in the case of a dire emergency. And, it would seem, if you’re a Washington Redskins fan, the possiblity of the team changing its name is a dire emergency. Our bozo volunteered to take part in a newspaper’s “Your Opinion” feature, giving his opinion concerning the controversy surrounding the Redskins name. He even went so far as to posse for a picture by the newspaper’s photographer. The cops also read that newspaper and our bozo was recognized and placed under arrest.

Well, He Was In a Subaru

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oconee County, Florida, where police officers were called to a report of a dog in a hot car. The cops discovered and freed the dog and then went looking for the canine’s owner. It was when they found him that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. Bozo Wesley Tate was found inside a store where he was purchasing some corn. Our bozo, who appeared to be quite intoxicated, told the cops that, even though his car was parked out front, he had not driven himself there. He explained that the dog had been behind the wheel. Even though he gets high marks for creativity, he was placed under arrest for animal cruelty and DUI. The dog was taken into protective custody.

But It Worked In ET

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tacoma, Washington, where police responded to a burglary alarm at a local thrift store. Initially, the cops found nothing out of the ordinary. Then, they noticed a large box of stuffed animals in a box at the front of the store. Inside, sitting still as a mouse, they found our bozo. He told the cops he got spooked by the burglar alarm and thought the stuffed animals would provide a good hiding place. Wrong. He’s under arrest for burglary and meth possession.

Maybe Try a Gift Card Next Time

Bozo criminal for today comes from Provo, Utah, where bozo Heather Ramirez is accused of attempting to buy methamphetamine from an off-duty police officer. It seems our bozo approached the cop and pulled a glass pipe coated with meth residue out of her brassiere. It was when the cops placed her under arrest that she came up with the Bozo Excuses of the Week. First, she told the officers she should not be charged because she was attempting to buy the drugs for her sister, as a birthday present. And then she informed them that the meth pipe she had pulled out of her bosom was not hers, that she was only “holding it for a friend.” The cops didn’t buy her creative excuses and she was busted!

Too Bad One of the Stolen Items Wasn’t an Outboard

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number #222675: Put a lot of thought into your escape vehicle. Our bozo staked out a restaurant on the shores of a lake, and broke in on a day the place was closed. He had grabbed a number of items when he was surprised by an employee that was giving a tour of the facility. He fled out the back door and jumped into his getaway kayak. Yep, he paddled away from the place in a kayak. Unfortunately, the kayak was no match for the cops who arrived with a fire department boat. He was quickly caught and placed under arrest.

She Wasn’t Happy To Hear “Happy” Again

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report of an assault, which could perhaps be justifiable. Guests at a birthday party at a pub in Madison, Wisconsin, were shocked when one of the partygoers began yelling at the disc jockey, apparently upset over his song selection. The fight escalated and the woman got in a few punches, scratched the DJ on his face, and broke his laptop computer and microphone before she was pulled off of him. The cops were called and before they arrived the woman broke free, grabbed a piece of glass and tossed it at he bewildered DJ as she made her getaway. The disc jockey was not seriously injured. The music critic remains at large.

Where’s the Puddytat When You Really Need Him?

We’ve quoted the Bozo Rule about keeping a low profile after committing a crime numerous times, but today we have what is perhaps the most flagrant violation of the rule ever. From Kansas City, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Thomas McIntyre who broke into the Kansas City Costume Shop and stole a giant yellow bird costume, complete with cape and a big hat with feathers. Instead of taking it home for safe keeping, he donned the suit and walked down the street to the Cashew bar where patrons were enjoying “wing night.” The bar’s owner’s obviously didn’t get the joke and the cops were called. After a brief struggle, big bird was placed under arrest.