Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, where bozo Pedro Duron walked into a liquor store, took a look around, picked up a bottle of Gentleman Jack whiskey and put it back down before approaching the clerk. He flashed a gun at the emplpoyee and demanded cash, getting away with $82. On his way out he picked up another, larger bottle of whiskey and fled. He should have hung on to the original bottle. Police were able to lift his prints off the bottle he left behind, which led to his identification and eventual arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas, where bozo Alan Martin walked into Augie’s Barbed Wire Smokehouse and stole a BBQ brisket. He fled the scene in a stolen truck, but the cops quickly caught up with him and gave chase. Somehow, he was able to lose them, but they encountered him again a short time later when he set a house on fire. No word on why he set the house ablaze but we can only assume he was trying to warm up the brisket. From there, he proceeded to steal a Corvette at gunpoint and led the cops on another chase, which ended when he collided with a Mustang. He then jumped out of the car and was apprehended as he attempted to swallow a package of heroin. He’s been charged with too many offenses to count.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairbanks, Alaska, where a downtown building had suffered a series of break-ins. The building’s owner was able to supply surveillance footage showing the intruder to the cops, who posted it on their Facebook page. This led a number of tipsters to identify the thief as bozo Roland Grier. When he was called in by the cops, he wore his most comfy shoes, a pair of Crocs. What he didn’t realize was that he had left tread marks of those Crocs at the scene. When the cops were able to match the tread impressions with the shoes our bozo was wearing he was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today took a page right out of Scrooge McDuck’s handbook. Bozo David Langston walked into a Subway restaurant with a red bandanna over his face and told the clerk not to do anything funny and to hand over her cash and cellphone. Sounds like a pretty clean robbery, right? Wrong. There was one item we forgot to mention that was tied to the waistband of his pants. A canvas bag with a large dollar sign drawn on it. The cops noticed him not far away, pushing a shopping cart with the bag still dangling from his pants. He’s been placed under arrest.
Our bozos for today aren’t criminals, but they are thieves who may have learned their lesson the hard way. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pasco County, Florida, where our three bozos came upon a huge beehive in a tree. Thinking the honey looked too good to pass up, they attempted to steal it. As you might expect, the 30,000 bees in the hive were going to defend their territory. It wasn’t long before our bozos were overwhelmed by the bees and 911 was called. When the cops and firefighters arrived they found our bozos covered in bees, in their beards, in their hair, in their clothes. A good shot with a fire hose removed most of them. Our bozos will recover after being treated at a nearby hospital. In the future, they should consider purchasing their honey at the grocery store.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where the police were called to a residence by a man who reported that a bag had been stolen from his pickup truck. He told the cops that someone broke into the driver’s side door of the vehicle and removed the bag before making his getaway. And, what exactly were the contents of the bag? He explained that the bag was full of dog poop. Hope he had one of those pine tree air fresheners in the truck. The cops put a value of $1 on the poop and our bozo, if caught, will be charged with third degree burglary.
Bozo criminal for today comes from JFK International Airport in New York City, where customs officers noticed something strange about bozo Ivan Ramiro. It was that unusual bulge in the crotch of his pants that attracted attention. After conducting a full body search, they found the source of the bulge. Two cylinders containing heroin valued at $61,000. He’s busted!
Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Changsha, China where an unidentified man was hospitalized with injuries from a traffic accident. When he was well enough to receive visitors, he had 17 of them. All of them claiming to be his girlfriend and none of them aware of the other. Yikes. After the girls began talking, they discovered that each of them had been financially supporting our bozo for years. He’s now facing fraud charges.
We can say a lot of things about our bozo for today from San Antonio, Texas, but the one thing we have to admit, at least his mama taught him SOME manners. Our bozo pulled up to a house, walked up to a contractor working there, raised his shirt to show a gun in his belt and politely asked, “Can I rob this house?” The contractor, who was working on the house next door, replied, “It’s not my house.” Our bozo then went inside and was seen a short time later carrying out a microwave and placing it into his car. What he didn’t realize was that the contractor snapped a picture of his car as he was driving away. The cops used the license plate number to track down and arrest our bozo.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 346667: Take a nap before the heist, not after. Police in Houston, Texas, received a 2 a.m. call from the owner of a jewelry store who said a burglar alarm had been tripped, and he had video footage showing an intruder. Upon arrival, the cops noticed two things. Number One: The store had indeed been broken into. Number two: A bozo was asleep under a banana tree out front. Inside the backpack he was using as a pillow were three laptops he had taken from the store. Busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Division in the International File in Jharkhand, India. Four police officers were assigned the job of transporting a convicted murderer to a hospital for a checkup. The officers then hatched a plan for a little diversion. They took a 128 mile detour to visit the red light district in the town of Asansol. The plan was to have a little fun and then take the prisoner to the hospital. But, as luck would have it, at the very time they were partaking of the pleasures of the red light district, local police raided the place. In all the confusion, the convicted murderer managed to escape, but instead of fleeing, he made his way back to the jail. The four officers were suspended until further notice.
Over the years, we have had many instances of bozos impersonating police officers and installing lights on their personal vehicles, but the excuse of our bozo for today is a first. An off-duty officer in Odessa, Texas, noticed a truck with flashing lights and a siren in the drive-thru lane at a fast food restaurant. Thinking something just didn’t look right, he followed the man, who was wearing a uniform, to a nearby apartment complex. When our bozo got out of the car carring a sack of burgers, he admitted to the cop that he wasn’t actually a police officer and only used the lights and siren so he could skip to the head of the drive-thru at fast food restaurants. Looks like he”ll be eating bologna sandwiches for a while. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today from Tallahassee, Florida made a couple of major mistakes in his attempt to rob a bank. First he drank too many “cups of courage” before heading to the bank. And second, he called a cab to take him to the heist and then told him to wait while he went inside. After telling employees that he had a gun and C4 explosives and would “blow the place up”, a bank manager took our obviously intoxicated bozo behind closed doors in his office to discuss things. While he was inside, tellers called the cops. The police quickly arrived and our bozo was taken under arrest without further incident. But his problems don’t end with the bank robbery charges. The cabbie plans to press charges for the unpaid fare.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon where officers responded to a report of a man stealing wire from an electrical box. Upon questioning, our bozo gave the cops a fake name that came back with an arrest warrant. Seeing things weren’t going well he tried to escape by jumping into a nearby river. Unfortunately, his swimming skills were lacking and, after a few moments of floundering around, he headed back to the safety of the bank, where he was quickly taken into custody.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Ottawa, Canada. Employees of the Talbot denture clinic returned from lunch to the sound of a dog barking inside and holes in the wall leading to the clinic. The cops were called and, upon investigation, found our bozo had broken into the facility, stolen a laptop and a $5 bill which was left in the donation box on the counter. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he had brought his pet Daschund along on the heist and then had fled without him. In spite of being a bozo, he was a responsible pet owner, as the dog was wearing a collar with an identification tag on it. The cops went to the place on the tag and recovered the laptop and the $5. Bozo is under arrest. Dog is looking for a new home.
Our bozo for today learned there’s a difference between leaving evidence behind and leaving EVIDENCE behind. From West Sunbury, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Brent Harrison who planned to break into the garage of a neighbor and steal some gasoline. The first step is to jimmy open the garage door, which he was in the process of doing when the neighbor heard a noise and caught him. Our bozo was able to flee but, unfortunately for him, he left his jimmy tool behind. And even more unfortunately, the jimmy tool happened to be one of his own credit cards Oops. He’s busted!
We have had numerous cases of Bozos Foiled by Modern Technology by using social media, but today’s case brings it to a whole new level. From Fairfield, Maine, comes the story of bozo Christopher Warner who was wanted by the cops on an outstanding burglary warrant. The cops had been looking for him for a couple of weeks with no luck when our bozo made the first of a couple of fatal errors. They received a tip that he had posted on Snapchat that he had returned to Fairfield. So, the cops headed to his house. While they were searching the place with the permission of the resident, they received another tip. A new Snapchat message had been posted saying that the cops were searching the house he was hiding in and that he was hiding in a cabinet. Bad, bad idea. The cops opened the cabinet and our bozo was taken into custody.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Maine, where a man delivering Domino’s Pizza returned to find his car had been stolen. The cops were notified to be on the lookout for the vehicle. And they didn’t have to look very long, either, as the car was spotted a short time later pulling into a convenience store. It was easy to identify because our bozos didn’t even bother to remove the distinctive red, white and blue Domino’s sign on the roof. Oops. They’re busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from Milton Georgia, where it’s prom season. And what does that have with our bozos? Read on, you’re going to find out. The cops were called to the Bethany Church Road on Saturday night after a report of suspicious activity. A man told the police his dog had been barking at four teenagers in a truck outside his residence. He grabbed his shogun and they jumped into their truck and fled. However, he noticed one of them loaded something large into the truck before fleeing. Upon further investigation, it was found that one of the man’s neighbor’s goats was missing. The cops pulled over a truck matching the description a short distance away and found the teenagers, along with a goat, inside the vehicle. And now, the Bozo Excuse of the Week. One of the teenagers said he thought it would be clever to present the goat to a girl and ask her, “Will you goat with me to the prom?” Only in the mind of a teenage bozo. The goat was returned safely to its owner. The boys have been charged with theft of livestock.
Bozo criminals for today come from our No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Department. As you may be aware, Dairy Queen stores across the country celebrated the chain’s 75th anniversary this week by giving away free ice cream cones. One of the stores in St Clair Shores, Michigan has a tip jar on the counter for employees and during the free giveaway a group of teenage girls grabbed the jar along with their free cones. And of course, being teenage girls, they couldn’t keep the theft to themselves. They posted a selfie on Snapchat with the words “Robbed Dairy Queen tip jar”. They then sent the picture to all of their friends and, unfortunately, also to the local Fox TV outlet. That, coupled with the fact that someone also got the license plate of their getaway car led to the case quickly being resolved. And by the way, the local fire department is only a couple of blocks away and firefighters took up a collection to give the Dairy Queen all their money back and then some.