Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

This is a Bar. This is a Jail. Please Note the Differences

Bozo criminal for today comes from Paw Paw, Michigan, where our unidentified 39-year-old bozo drove down to the local bar to pick up her boyfriend. A couple of things are wrong with this scenario. Number one, she was drunk, way to drunk to be driving. Number two, she wasn’t exactly sure where the bar was located. Unfortunately, instead of driving up to the bar’s parking lot, she was spotted by a deputy as she was having difficulty maneuvering into a parking space at the parking lot of the local jail. Oops. She’s been placed under arrest on DUI charges.

Cowabunga!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lafayette, Louisiana, where teenage bozo Detron Bates put on a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask and used a stick wrapped in plastic as a weapon when he attempted to rob a convenience store. He was able to get as far as the cash register, but couldn’t figure out how to open it. Taking what he could get, he fled with two wallets from underneath the counter. Guess it isn’t easy to run in a turtle mask, as the cops caught up with him a short distance away. He’s under arrest.

A Job Best Left To Professionals

Our bozo for this morning proves that the old adage “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” doesn’t necessarily apply to bozos. Police in Bristol, Connecticut were called to the Doubletree Hotel on a report of “aggressive mopping.” The officers learned that bozo John Thompson had “become unruly” and had taken a mop from an employee and began scrubbing the floor. He allegedly began mopping more “aggressively” and mopped the employees shoes several times in addition to cleaning the floor. Neither police nor the hotel appreciated our bozo’s attempt at a clean-up. He’s been charged with breach of the peace and threatening.

Can a Bozo “Take a Mulligan”?

Bozo criminal for today from Bellingham, Washington quickly saw the error of his ways. Bozo Richard Green walked into a local bank, handed the teller a note and demanded cash. The teller complied, and our bozo took the money and left, but didn’t go very far. Once outside, instead of running away, he simply hung around and waited for the cops to arrive. He told the officers that immediately after receiving the money, he knew he had made a big mistake and the best thing to do was just to wait to be arrested. Remorseful or not, he was taken to jail.

I Think I Saw This Once On Forensics Files

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California, where bozo James Morton wanted to be sure he was quiet as a mouse when he broke into a residence, so he took off his shoes and left them outside. Once inside, however, things didn’t go exactly as planned, as the homeowner woke up to find our bozo rummaging around his bedroom. Frightened, our bozo made a quick exit out the back door, leaving his shoes behind. The cops also found a bag containing some more of his belongings, while led them to a local hotel where he was staying. He was busted after the cops were able to use forensic evidence to link him to the shoes he left behind.

At Least Let Me Put On Makeup This Time

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report form Columbus, Ohio, where the cops have set up “Warrant Wednesday” online. Each week they post mug shots on Facebook of crooks they are looking for. Recently, they posted a picture of 34-year-old Monica Harris, along with details of a robbery and kidnapping she was alleged to have taken part in. In less than 48 hours, she reached out to the cops, but not for the reason you’d expect. She called to say that the mugshot was unflattering and demanded that they take it down. The detective said, “Sure, come on in and we’ll talk about it.” When she showed up at the station house she was placed under arrest. Maybe her new mugshot will be better.

Have You Ever Slept On a Roof, Covered In Tar? It’s Great!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a man on the roof of a Sunoco station at 3 a.m. After the officers found him, covered in tar, he offered up Bozo Excuse of the Week #1: He said he was visiting family. On the roof of a gas station at 3 a.m.? OK How about Bozo Excuse of the Week #2? He said he was an air conditioner repairman who happened to be driving by and heard the AC units making noise, so he climbed up to take a look. Nope? How about this? Bozo Excuse of the Week #3: He said he had been sleeping on the roof and had covered himself in tar so he wouldn’t be seen. OK. Can you explain the pry bar you have with you? Nope? Busted! Charged with attempted burglary and criminal mischief.

Your Place Or Mine? Or the Cruiser?

Bozo criminals for today come from our Love Is Strange department. Police in Oconto County, Wisconsin spotted our bozos’ vehicle weaving into oncoming traffic and pulled them over. Upon questioning, both the driver and his girlfriend admitted they had been drinking and two open cans of Busch Light were found on the floorboard. Both bozos, one of whom was on probation, were loaded into the back of the cruiser for transportation downtown. The cop hadn’t driven very far when he heard strange sounds coming from the backseat. Taking a look, he found our bozos locked in a loving embrace. In other words, they were making whoopee in the backseat. While we’re very much in favor of love, this was a bad idea any way you look at it. They’ve both been charged with lewd and lascivious conduct.

Hands Up! Drop the…Donut?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report. The driver of a donut delivery truck in Portland Oregon returned to find his vehicle had been stolen. The cops were called and, no, we’re not going to make any cop/donut jokes here. Using all their donut tracking skills, the officers quickly caught up with the stolen vehicle but bozo Peter James initally refused to pull over, leading them on a brief chase. When he finally decided to stop, our bozo stuck his arms out of the window, and in one hand he was clutching a half-eaten donut. He’s been placed under arrest. There was no damage to the van but the donuts were declared a total loss.

Kim Kardashian She Ain’t

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bourne, Massachusetts, where bozo Jill Raymond was pulled over by the cops after they noticed her driving erratically. When she got out of the car, the officers noticed she was a curvacious woman. Maybe too curvacious, as she explained to the cops that she didn’t “have a butt so I wear these”, pointing to a fake buttocks prosthesis. After a bag containing pills fell out of her pants, the cops decided to search the fake butt, where they found $350 worth of heroin and 13 Oxycodone pills. She’s busted!

Guess the Buses Weren’t Running That Day

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Haven, Connecticut, where the cops investigating the theft of a car at a supermarket noticed the guy in the surveillance video looked very familiar. They were so sure that he was someone with a previous record of drug possession and robbery that they came up with a clever plan to catch him. They had his probation officer set up a phony meeting with him. And in a situation like this, what would a bozo do? Drive the stolen car to the probation meeting, of course. He’s busted!

First, Wipe Your Face, Then Place Both Hands On the Wheel

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deland, Florida, where officers pulled over a vehicle because its license tag light was burned out. Our bozo drove the car into a shopping center parking lot but didn’t stop. The cops watched as he reached for a cup in the car and dump the contents before driving out of the parking lot. He finally stopped the vehicle and dialed 911 as the officers approached the car. He said to the 911 operator, “My hands are on the wheel, sir. I have done nothing wrong.” Well, that wasn’t exactly true. The cops noticed he had a green substance stuck to his face, which turned out to be marijuana. He’s been charged with making a false call to 911, possession of marijuana and fleeing and eluding

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Dumbest of Them All?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Coral Gables, Florida, where our bozo thought he had the perfect plan. First, he would break into a law firm. Then, he would quickly point the surveillance cameras toward the wall so no one would get a good look at his face. The next step would then be to take a look around for the cash that he suspected was kept there. He found what he was looking for, $3700 in a file cabinet. He grabbed the loot and walked out. Sounds like the perfect crime, right? Well it would have been, except for one teeny tiny little detail. When he turned the security cameras around, he failed to notice the mirror on the wall which reflected the camera’s image right back at him. Armed with an excellent photo of our bozo, the cops hope to make an arrest shortly.

That Axe Is Some Strong Stuff

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lebanon, Oregon. The cops saw bozo Charles Alexander speed thru a red light and gave chase. The officers briefly lost our bozo as speeds exceeded 100 MPH. They then came upon his car parked on the side of the road, but our bozo was nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, he was somewhere to be smelled. One of the officers noticed a “strong scent of cologne” and followed his nose to some nearby bushes where they found our bozo hiding. He’s busted and charged with probation violation and tryng to elude officers. He also told the cops he regretted using the cologne.

Maybe He Should Have Googled “Unload” First

Bozo criminal for today comes from Middletown, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a residence on a report of shots being fired. Upon arrival they found a bulllet hole in one of the windows. Once they had determined that no one was injured, they went next door to question the neighbor. After admitting that he had fired the shot, he then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. The man said he had fired the weapon because he was unfamiliar with guns and it was the only way he knew how to unload it. Not a good excuse. He’s in jail on $20,000 bond.

Good Thing None of Them Were Snappers

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Bozo Kal Xu had a problem. He had received a shipment of 51 turtles, which can bring up to $800 apiece in Asia and had to figure out a way to get them across the US-Canadian border. What he didn’t know was that the Fish and Wildlife Service had received a tip that someone had received a package of turtles from Alabama and they staked out the UPS office. He walked out of the office with a large box and then went behind a couple of large UPS trailers. When he emerged, he was walking slowly and there were numerous visible lumps beneath his sweat pants. Yep, he had duct taped the turtles to his legs and crotch and was hoping to sneak them across into Canada for shipment overseas. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest and the turtles are in protective custody.

You Mean This Air Conditioning Duct Doesn’t Lead Directly Outside?

Bozo criminal for today from Hamilton, Montana, found out escaping from prison wasn’t as easy as he expected. Bozo Keith Lawson thought he had it all planned out. He would climb up a wall and through the ductwork to make his getaway, just like he had seen it done in the movies. He ran into problems almost immediately, as a guard arrived just in time to see our bozo’s foot disappearing into a hole in the wall. He then found there were no exit signs to guide his way in the ductwork and, after crawling around for a while, called out to officers to “come get me so the rest of these guys can get some sleep.” He’s been moved to a more secure cell.

Next Time Just Send a Card

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where Freddy Levy was just being neighborly when he flagged down a police car just to say “Hi.” After giving the cop a big greeting he drove away in his SUV. And that’s when things took a less than neighborly turn. The officer noticed our bozo weaving from lane to lane and pulled him over. When our bozo had trouble finding his drivers license and said he “couldn’t” take a field sobriety test he was transported to headquarters where he was found to have a blood alcohol level of .210, nearly three times the legal limit. He’s under arrest.

Motel 6 Must Have Been Full

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Shelburne, Vermont. It seems bozo John Dobbs was in search of a nice place to spend the night, so he decided to break into the Shelburne Public School. Not the best idea to begin with, but he made an even bigger mistake. After he threw an orange traffic cone through the front window, he discovered it was not the school after all. Instead, he had broken into the local police station. Big oops. But he did get a place to spend the night.

Next Time Make Sure They’re Stainless Steel

It is rare that we include someone in the Bozo Report who isn’t actually a criminal, but this guy is so criminally stupid that we had to share. From the International File in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was having a few problems in the romance department. So, he came up with a bozo idea. He would implant some metal balls into his most private of parts. He even performed the surgery on himself. Ouch. Not surprisingly, after a few days he started to experience extreme pain. After a visit to the doctor, the balls were removed and the problem was revealed. They were beginning to rust. Yikes!