Bozo criminal for today comes from Red Lion, Pennsylvania, where bozo Shawn Ferguson went shopping for some music. He headed down to the local record store (yes, there are still a few around). He stuffed a few items in his pockets and then attempted to pay for a CD at the cash register. Unbeknownst to our bozo, the store owner had been watching him closely and knew exactly what was going on. And even more unbeknownst to him, the store owner was an experienced cage fighter. When the manager confronted him about the items in his pocket our bozo pulled a knife and threatened the man. Bad idea. Using his cage fighting skills, the manager put him in a choke hold and soon our bozo went nighty-night. He’s busted!
We have another story this morning from our “‘Tis the Season” file. From Spartanburg, South Carolina, comes the story of three relatives, ages 76, 61 and 24 who were decorating the family Christmas tree. Somewhere along the way, things got rather heated as the three women began arguing about where to place the ornaments and exactly how the tree should look. A male relative, age 41, arrived at the home and tried, but failed to calm things down. Finally the yelling and screaming and pushing and shoving got so bad that the cops were called. The police reminded them of the spirit of the season and were able to get things calmed down. And, since no one was willing to press charges, no one went to jail. No word on whether the tree ever got fully decorated.
No real criminal activity this morning, unless you consider overzealous enforcement of safety rules a crime. From Neath, Wales, comes the story of the Bridge Church’s annual children’s nativity play. It’s quite an elaborate production, with young kids playing all the roles. And, of course, live animals play a part, too. And that’s where the problem comes in. In one scene, the 8-year-old Mary rides a donkey. And since the scene takes place outside, safety regulations require little Mary to wear a helmet. Church members say they will comply and try to conceal the helmet with some of Mary’s scarves.
We’re making a list and checking it twice for our bozo criminal for today from Orlando, Florida. Stake out a bank that probably has a lot of cash. Wells Fargo, check. Tell the teller you have a weapon. Check. Take the money and get out quick. Check. Bring along a change of clothes and put them on at a nearby gas station after the robbery. Check. Head to the nearest bus stop and wait for your getaway vehicle. Um…no check on this one. A witness recognized him and pointed him out to the cops who placed him under arrest. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lovejoy, Georgia, where police were called to a local burger joint with a rather unusual complaint from one of the customers. The burger patron complained that she had ordered a cheeseburger with bacon and instead had received a cheesburger topped with a half-smoked marijuana cigarette. Ugh. One of the burger “chefs” fessed up. Bozo Amy Simpson said she’d been smoking pot while on duty and had “misplaced” the joint. In addition to being arrested, she was also fired.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vigevano, Italy, where police were hunting for alleged robber Teodor Nikolov. Our bozo was familiar to the cops and was wanted again in conjunction with multiple burglaries in Bulgaria. The cops got word he was hiding out in a small town outside Milan, and rather than search for him, the simply staked out a bakery. Huh? Remember we told you he was known to the cops. And one of the things they knew about him was that he LOVED borek, a tasty puff pastry popular in the Balkans. So, they staked out the only bakery in town that served the treats. And sure enough, our bozo showed up to get his daily fix He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Apple Valley, Minnesota, where police were called to a report of a stolen vehicle. Witnesses told the cops the newspaper delivery truck had been left unattended at a gas station when our bozo jumped in and drove off. Apparently, he didn’t go very far before bailing out of the truck, which the cops found a few blocks away. Our bozo was spotted nearby, with bloodshot eyes and “a strong odor of alcohol” on his breath. This would be the end of the story except for one more thing…his excuse, which landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he had stolen the truck because he was being chased by flesh eating zombies. Finding no zombies anywhere around, the cops charged him with theft.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gastonia, North Carolina, where bozo Jah Simpson walked into a convenience store, fired a couple of shots in the air and demanded cash. When the clerk told him the cash register was locked and he couldn’t get him any cash, our bozo went to plan B. He picked up a $3 can of beer that was sitting on the counter, opened it, and walked out. But the story doesn’t end there. The clerk recoginzed him as a regular customer and was able to ID him to the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today from Bloomington, Minnesota, comes from the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished department. Bozo Serge Boroyev had just experienced a “really tough year” and decided to “spread some holiday cheer.” He took his last $1000 and headed to the Mall of America rotunda. Leaning over a third floor railing, he tossed the cash, in $1 bills, to the crowd below. Appropriately enough, a trio of singers was performing “Let It Snow” at the time. The shoppers loved it, but the cops didn’t. Pointing out that people could have been injured scrambling for the money, the cops issued him a ticket for disorderly conduct.
Perhaps because it’s the holiday season, our bozo tried to do the right thing, but ended up getting arrested anyway. Our story from Middleburg, Florida begins with bozo Brian Taylor borrowing $3 from the clerk at a Flash Foods store so he could buy a little gas. He promised the clerk he would pay him back and even left his wallet with him as a goodwill gesture. It was what he did next that got him into trouble. Instead of heading home or to a bank to get the cash, he decided to take the bozo route, and held up Larry’s Giant Subs nearby. Police officers were questioning other businesses in the neighborhood about the robbery and the clerk at Flash Foods recognized our bozo from his description and told the cops the story. And as he was finishing up the story, who should enter the store to pay back the $3 but our bozo. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakewood, Colorado, where bozo Brandon Curtis went on a bit of a robbery spree, burglarizing 15 homes. Looks like he won’t be getting to enjoy the fruits of his labors, however, as he’s now in the County Jail. And how did the cops make such a quick arrest? It seems our bozo was on probation for a previous burglary charge. And one of the conditions of his arrest was that he wear a GPS monitoring ankle bracelet. Oops. The cops say the ankle monitor was present at every one of our bozo’s 15 burglaries. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bedford, New Hampshire, where bozo Byron Wilson is accused of robbing a taxi driver, getting away with cash and a cellphone. So far, so good. Now, how to make a clean getaway. Hmmmm….Call a cab of course! When the taxi company received a call for a cab from a male voice, at the same location where the other cab had been robbed, they quickly decided to call the cops. Instead of the regular driver, a cop was behind the wheel of the cab when it arrived. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida. where bozo Stephen Alexander was seen walking around the neighborhood wearing a poncho, apparentlly with nothing on underneath. This was confirmed when he began practicing his ninja moves and doing a cartwheel, exposing himself to several bystanders including a young boy. When the cops questioned him, he explained that he ws “playing cowboys and Indians by myself” and that he couldn’t be arrested for indecent exposure because “it’s too small for anyone to see anyway.” Police didn’t buy that exucse. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Arizona City, Arizona where cops were called to a burglary of a residence. The homeowner said she had returned home to find our bozo ransacking her bedroom. When he spotted her, he ran through the residence and out the back door. Taking a look around the back yard, the cops found our bozo attempting to hide in some shrubbery, with several stolen items from the woman’s home in his possession. Case closed, right? Not quite. It was the excuse he offered up that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops that he was not guilty and that the “devil” had set him up. Try that one out on the judge. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida, where our unidentified bozo headed down to a local adult store to apply for a job. The manager had her fill out an application and, after she left, noticed a sex toy had gone missing. She took a look at the surveillance video and, sure enough, there was our bozo “fumbling around in the front of her pants and shirt” in an effort to conceal the device. The cops had no trouble in tracking down our bozo, who used the old “really drunk” excuse. Didn’t work. She’s under arrest.
With “selfies”, taking a picture of yourself with your cell phone, becoming so popular, you knew it was only a matter of time until a bozo was done in by one. From Boca Raton, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole an iPad from a man who had left it unattended while he played with his kids at a park. And of course, one of the first things our bozo did was take an nice selfie of himself with the device. What he didn’t know was that all pictures taken with the iPad are sent to Apple’s iCloud, where they can be viewed by the owner of the device. And also viewed by the cops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco County, Florida, where bozo Charles Boyd likes Dunkin’ Donuts. Really likes Dunkin’ Donuts. He likes them so much that he went to extreme measures to save some money on his donut purchases. Our bozo, after learning that police officers get a discount at the local donut shop, had himself a phony badge made. When he went through the drive-thru, he flashed the badge and even showed off a holstered handgun, all the while claiming to be a United States Marshal. And for quite some time the Dunkin Donuts employees tolerated our bozo’s ruse, even though they suspected he was a fake. But it was when he also started coming thru on weekends demanding his discount that they decided enough was enough. The cops were called and it was discovered that the badge was indeed bogus. He’s busted and charged with impersonating an officer and improper exhibition of a firearm.
We’ve all heard the buzz about how Instagram is the “new” Facebook. And, of course, with bozos being on the cutting edge of technology, it didn’t take long for us to find a story of a group of bozos who were foiled by their attachment to the photo sharing site. From Rocklin, California, comes the story of four bozos who who broke into a number of cars in a parking lot, getting away fwith GPS units, wallets and other items. They then took advantage of their newfound wealth by going to a nearby Carl’s Jr. restaurant to celebrate. And celebrate they did, buying nearly $120 worth of burgers, tacos and other yummy stuff. And rather than leaving to enjoy their meal, they then carefully spread all the food on the trunk of their car and posed for an Instagram photo showing off all their grub. Which might have been OK except that one of their victims was keeping an eye on her stolen credit card and noticed a $120 charge on her card at Carl’s Jr. Cops went to the restaurant and were able to get our bozo’s license plate number from a parking lot surveillance that captured their Instagram display. They’re busted!
Bozo criminals for today forgot seldom used Bozo Rule Number 0909865: It’s best to not steal anything perishible. From the International File in Gavle, Sweden, comes the story of two bozos who stole $1380 worth of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream from a truck parked outside a wholesale center. A security guard spotted them and gave chase. When the getaway turned out to take longer than they had expected, our bozos noticed something. The prized ice cream was starting to melt. Faced with the option of keeping the melting treat or making their getaway, our bozos chose to dump the ice cream. Didn’t help. The security guard was still able to catch up to one of them, who is now under arrest.
Our bozo for today comes from Waukesha, Wisconsin, where the 911 operator took a rather unusual call. The man on the other end of the line said that he wanted “a female removed from his bed.” He said he was not sure how she had gotten into his apartment but she was “snoring like a train” and he needed help in getting her out. Uncertain exactly what the situation was, police officers were dispatched to the residence where they did indeed find a snoring woman in the man’s bed. However, after further questioning the man admitted that he did know the woman, and had shared some drinks with her before she crawled into his bed and started sawing logs. The officers reminded our bozo that no crime had been committed since he did invite her into his home. They advised him to take to the couch for the evening and work things out in the morning.