Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Maybe He Should Have Googled “Unload” First

Bozo criminal for today comes from Middletown, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a residence on a report of shots being fired. Upon arrival they found a bulllet hole in one of the windows. Once they had determined that no one was injured, they went next door to question the neighbor. After admitting that he had fired the shot, he then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. The man said he had fired the weapon because he was unfamiliar with guns and it was the only way he knew how to unload it. Not a good excuse. He’s in jail on $20,000 bond.

Good Thing None of Them Were Snappers

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Bozo Kal Xu had a problem. He had received a shipment of 51 turtles, which can bring up to $800 apiece in Asia and had to figure out a way to get them across the US-Canadian border. What he didn’t know was that the Fish and Wildlife Service had received a tip that someone had received a package of turtles from Alabama and they staked out the UPS office. He walked out of the office with a large box and then went behind a couple of large UPS trailers. When he emerged, he was walking slowly and there were numerous visible lumps beneath his sweat pants. Yep, he had duct taped the turtles to his legs and crotch and was hoping to sneak them across into Canada for shipment overseas. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest and the turtles are in protective custody.

You Mean This Air Conditioning Duct Doesn’t Lead Directly Outside?

Bozo criminal for today from Hamilton, Montana, found out escaping from prison wasn’t as easy as he expected. Bozo Keith Lawson thought he had it all planned out. He would climb up a wall and through the ductwork to make his getaway, just like he had seen it done in the movies. He ran into problems almost immediately, as a guard arrived just in time to see our bozo’s foot disappearing into a hole in the wall. He then found there were no exit signs to guide his way in the ductwork and, after crawling around for a while, called out to officers to “come get me so the rest of these guys can get some sleep.” He’s been moved to a more secure cell.

Next Time Just Send a Card

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where Freddy Levy was just being neighborly when he flagged down a police car just to say “Hi.” After giving the cop a big greeting he drove away in his SUV. And that’s when things took a less than neighborly turn. The officer noticed our bozo weaving from lane to lane and pulled him over. When our bozo had trouble finding his drivers license and said he “couldn’t” take a field sobriety test he was transported to headquarters where he was found to have a blood alcohol level of .210, nearly three times the legal limit. He’s under arrest.

Motel 6 Must Have Been Full

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Shelburne, Vermont. It seems bozo John Dobbs was in search of a nice place to spend the night, so he decided to break into the Shelburne Public School. Not the best idea to begin with, but he made an even bigger mistake. After he threw an orange traffic cone through the front window, he discovered it was not the school after all. Instead, he had broken into the local police station. Big oops. But he did get a place to spend the night.

Next Time Make Sure They’re Stainless Steel

It is rare that we include someone in the Bozo Report who isn’t actually a criminal, but this guy is so criminally stupid that we had to share. From the International File in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was having a few problems in the romance department. So, he came up with a bozo idea. He would implant some metal balls into his most private of parts. He even performed the surgery on himself. Ouch. Not surprisingly, after a few days he started to experience extreme pain. After a visit to the doctor, the balls were removed and the problem was revealed. They were beginning to rust. Yikes!

Next Time Wear Long Sleeves

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Frederick, Maryland. Tattoos are quite stylish these days but this is the first time we’ve had a report of a tattoo leading to an arrest. It would seem bozo Max Green had a distinctive tattoo done on his left forearm at the Classic Electric Tattoo shop. Nothing wrong with that, unless, of course, you’re planning on robbing that same tattoo shop a short time later. And that’s exactly what happened. Our bozo and an accomplice broke into the tattoo shop and stole a couple of guns, some cellphones and some small electronic items. While looking at surveillance footage, one of the tattoo shop employees recognized the tattoo on our bozo’s arm as one he had done. He’s busted!

Another Reason Family Disputes Should Be Kept Private

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Ottakring, Austria, where cops were called to an apartment building after residents complained of a loud argument. When the police arrived, they found our two bozos shouting at each other in the building’s courtyard. It was what they were arguing about that got them into trouble. As the cops eavesdropped on the shouting match, they learned that the brothers were arguing about installing an irrigation system for their marijuana plants. One brother thought it was a good idea, the other brother disagreeed. They won’t have to worry about it anymore. They’ve been arrested on suspicion of cultivation of illicit drugs.

Next Time Let’s Meet at MY Place

Our bozo for today turns out not to be a criminal but is deserving of mention anyway. From the International File in Pisa, Italy, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who was found prowling around the bedroom of a residence by the homeowner. The cops were called and he was quickly apprehended. After noticing nothing was taken, the cops began questioning and that’s when we learned the rest of the story. Apparently our bozo was having an affair with the homeowner’s wife and had come over for a little late night get together when he was surprised by the husband, who wasn’t aware of the affair. This led to a physical altercation between the two. The cops broke it up and loverboy was taken away.

He Just Couldn’t Resist Peeing On It…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File In Leeds, England. Police officers were called to a report of a burglary and were investigating when they encountered our bozo, running toward them, sweating profusely and rubbing his head, which was covered with swollen red welts. Turns he had stolen a fish tank from a residence and then felt the call of nature and had gone into the woods to relieve himself. Unfortunately, while he was peeing he was attacked by a large swarm of angry wasps. After being treated for the stings, he was placed under arrest.

A Fanny Pack Could Have Prevented All This

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Grimes for sending in today’s report from Massena, New York where bozo Daniel Rhodes was arrested for driving without a license. Things went from bad to worse when he was taken to the station house for booking. Our bozo was fumbling for his ID when something fell from his pocket to the police department floor. Officers quickly snatched the baggie which was found to contain crack cocaine. Oops. You can add criminal possession of a controlled subject to that moving violation.

But This Worked For Cheech and Chong

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Justin Goldwyn was in the marijuana business. And, of course, a basic part of any business involves transporting your product. Our bozo had several large marijuana plants that he needed to move, so he loaded them into his vehicle. Good idea, except…it was a small vehicle and they were very large marijuana plants. So large that he had no choice but to roll down the back windows and stick the plants out the windows like a happy dog sticking his head out while going for a ride. Things went from bad to worse when the pot-laden vehicle drove past a police cruiser. Oops. He’s busted!

But That Crab Was Just SO Fresh

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rehoboth, Delaware, where bozo Stephen Carter broke into a local seafood restaurant. While rummaging around, he set aside some bottles of alcohol and was looking for other things to steal when he came upon the treasure trove. A big bowl of fresh crabmeat. So he took the crab, the booze and whatever cash he could find and fled, right? Wrong. Instead, our bozo set up shop in the kitchen and began preparing himself a nice meal of crab cakes. Police were tipped off to suspicious activity in the restaurant and arrived before he got to enjoy his tasty treat. Sorry, no crab cakes on the jailhouse menu.

Next Time Remember the Bag

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Merced County, California. Bozo Shawn Carter walked into a Chase Bank, threatened the teller and demanded cash. He was given $2748 which he shoved down the front of his pants. Officers noticed him still trying to stuff the cash into his pants as he walked out of the bank. They grabbed him and walked him back inside,with money falling all the time. When the teller identified him as the robber, he was transported to the police station, with the cash continuing to fall to the ground as he walked. The remainder, $334, fell out when he was asked to stand up for questioning. He’s busted!

One Of the Items He Stole Was a CD of Bagpipe Music

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Wilsonville, Oregon, which shows a clear violation of Bozo Rule Number 893603: It’s always good to dress inconspiciously for your heist. It seems bozo Daniel Dawson donned a kilt and walked into the local Fry’s Electronics store. He stuffed several items, including a toy helicopter, into the front pocket of the kilt and walked out. He was so successful that he decided to try the same trick the very next day. However, this time security guards were paying a little more attention to a guy in a kilt and noticed him putting several items into his pocket and stopped him on his way out. He’s been charged with theft.

But, Officer, the Whole Situation Has Driven Me To Drink!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida where bozo Adam Lucas called 911 to report an issue of domestic violence involving his girlfriend. The cops arrived and, after investigating, placed her under arrest. Perhaps our bozo thought this 911 thing was a personal wish fulfillment service, because he called them back a short time later with a different request. This time he asked for a ride to a liquor store so he could buy some beer. Bad idea. After he repeated his request he was placed under arrest for misuse of 911.

And She Forgot the Inspection Sticker, Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. Our bozo from Chicopee, Massachusetts found herself in need of a license plate for her car. Since she was a little short of funds, she decided to take a rather unique, and stupid, approach to remedying her problem. She grabbed a piece of cardboard and some colored markers and went to work creating her own license plate. Yep, she hand lettered a “plate” and put it on her car. She didn’t get very far as a cop quickly noticed it and pulled her over. She’s busted!

But They Were Such Cute Kitties

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boca Raton, Florida, where Daniel Velasquez was on the run from the cops, accused of stealing thousands in cash from his friend’s wallet after a night of drug use. He crashed his Lexus into a fire hydrant and fled on foot, with the cops in hot pursuit. As you might imagine, the heat and high humidity took its toll and soon our bozo was knocking on the door of a residence, asking for a drink of water. The homeowner obliged, and when she returned with the drink, she found our bozo lying on the floor, petting her cats. Sensing something wasn’t quite right, her husband contacted the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

But Grandma Would Have Wanted Us To Have This Stuff!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Bibb County, Georgia. Officers at the county jail thought they were doing something nice for a couple of inmates when they granted their request to attend their grandmother’s funeral. Our bozos may have wanted to pay their last respects, but there was something else on their minds as well. Apparently they arranged for someone on the outside to stash marijuana, tobacco, a lighter and a cellphone in granny’s casket. They grabbed the goodies as they were visiting grandma, but it would seem they didn’t realize they would be subject to a search when they returned to jail. Oops. They’re busted!