Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

A Fanny Pack Could Have Prevented All This

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Grimes for sending in today’s report from Massena, New York where bozo Daniel Rhodes was arrested for driving without a license. Things went from bad to worse when he was taken to the station house for booking. Our bozo was fumbling for his ID when something fell from his pocket to the police department floor. Officers quickly snatched the baggie which was found to contain crack cocaine. Oops. You can add criminal possession of a controlled subject to that moving violation.

But This Worked For Cheech and Chong

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Justin Goldwyn was in the marijuana business. And, of course, a basic part of any business involves transporting your product. Our bozo had several large marijuana plants that he needed to move, so he loaded them into his vehicle. Good idea, except…it was a small vehicle and they were very large marijuana plants. So large that he had no choice but to roll down the back windows and stick the plants out the windows like a happy dog sticking his head out while going for a ride. Things went from bad to worse when the pot-laden vehicle drove past a police cruiser. Oops. He’s busted!

But That Crab Was Just SO Fresh

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rehoboth, Delaware, where bozo Stephen Carter broke into a local seafood restaurant. While rummaging around, he set aside some bottles of alcohol and was looking for other things to steal when he came upon the treasure trove. A big bowl of fresh crabmeat. So he took the crab, the booze and whatever cash he could find and fled, right? Wrong. Instead, our bozo set up shop in the kitchen and began preparing himself a nice meal of crab cakes. Police were tipped off to suspicious activity in the restaurant and arrived before he got to enjoy his tasty treat. Sorry, no crab cakes on the jailhouse menu.

Next Time Remember the Bag

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Merced County, California. Bozo Shawn Carter walked into a Chase Bank, threatened the teller and demanded cash. He was given $2748 which he shoved down the front of his pants. Officers noticed him still trying to stuff the cash into his pants as he walked out of the bank. They grabbed him and walked him back inside,with money falling all the time. When the teller identified him as the robber, he was transported to the police station, with the cash continuing to fall to the ground as he walked. The remainder, $334, fell out when he was asked to stand up for questioning. He’s busted!

One Of the Items He Stole Was a CD of Bagpipe Music

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Wilsonville, Oregon, which shows a clear violation of Bozo Rule Number 893603: It’s always good to dress inconspiciously for your heist. It seems bozo Daniel Dawson donned a kilt and walked into the local Fry’s Electronics store. He stuffed several items, including a toy helicopter, into the front pocket of the kilt and walked out. He was so successful that he decided to try the same trick the very next day. However, this time security guards were paying a little more attention to a guy in a kilt and noticed him putting several items into his pocket and stopped him on his way out. He’s been charged with theft.

But, Officer, the Whole Situation Has Driven Me To Drink!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida where bozo Adam Lucas called 911 to report an issue of domestic violence involving his girlfriend. The cops arrived and, after investigating, placed her under arrest. Perhaps our bozo thought this 911 thing was a personal wish fulfillment service, because he called them back a short time later with a different request. This time he asked for a ride to a liquor store so he could buy some beer. Bad idea. After he repeated his request he was placed under arrest for misuse of 911.

And She Forgot the Inspection Sticker, Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. Our bozo from Chicopee, Massachusetts found herself in need of a license plate for her car. Since she was a little short of funds, she decided to take a rather unique, and stupid, approach to remedying her problem. She grabbed a piece of cardboard and some colored markers and went to work creating her own license plate. Yep, she hand lettered a “plate” and put it on her car. She didn’t get very far as a cop quickly noticed it and pulled her over. She’s busted!

But They Were Such Cute Kitties

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boca Raton, Florida, where Daniel Velasquez was on the run from the cops, accused of stealing thousands in cash from his friend’s wallet after a night of drug use. He crashed his Lexus into a fire hydrant and fled on foot, with the cops in hot pursuit. As you might imagine, the heat and high humidity took its toll and soon our bozo was knocking on the door of a residence, asking for a drink of water. The homeowner obliged, and when she returned with the drink, she found our bozo lying on the floor, petting her cats. Sensing something wasn’t quite right, her husband contacted the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

But Grandma Would Have Wanted Us To Have This Stuff!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Bibb County, Georgia. Officers at the county jail thought they were doing something nice for a couple of inmates when they granted their request to attend their grandmother’s funeral. Our bozos may have wanted to pay their last respects, but there was something else on their minds as well. Apparently they arranged for someone on the outside to stash marijuana, tobacco, a lighter and a cellphone in granny’s casket. They grabbed the goodies as they were visiting grandma, but it would seem they didn’t realize they would be subject to a search when they returned to jail. Oops. They’re busted!

Just Go Home and Watch Cinemax

Bozo criminal for today just wanted to have a little fun, and when he didn’t get it, he called the cops. From Butte, Montana, comes the story of bozo William Martin who went to the local gentleman’s club and paid $350 for a private dance. He got that, but it seems he was expecting more. Lots more. And when the stripper refused his request, our bozo called the cops to register a consumer complaint. Bad idea. After questioning, he was charged with offering money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor.

This Is Not What They Mean By Self Checkout

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Michael Jones was due to meet with his probation officer. However, there was one small problem…he had no transportation. So he called a cab, right? Wrong. Hitchhiked? Nah. Walked? Nope. Went to Walmart and stole a motorized shopping cart? Correct-amundo! When the officer asked him where he got the cart, he fessed up to the theft. He’s now been charged with larceny and receiving stolen property.

Who Moved the Cheese?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muhlenberg Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Elijah Edwards likes Swiss cheese. Really likes Swiss cheese. Police believe he may be a serial Swiss cheese thief responsible for a number of thefts from local markets. He was busted when he visited the local Giant Food Store, where he stuffed four logs of cheese into his pants. A security guard stopped him when he noticed him “waddling when he walked.” When he was asked if he had Swiss cheese in his pants, he came up with the classic Bozo response, “What cheese?”. An unfortunate officer was called to search his pants and our bozo was arrested.

But You’re Supposed To Never Forget

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas, where police were called to a report of a break in at a residence. Our thief was nowhere to be found, but the surveillance video that was left behind ensured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The footage showed him squeezing his way into the house through a doggie door. Apparently he found what he was looking for, as he was seen a short time later leaving with a bicycle he found in the garage. Cameras then showed him trying to ride away on the bike, getting his foot caught in the rear tire and falling off. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he left the bike behind and fled on foot. Police are on the lookout for our bozo, armed with some very clear video footage.

Wonder If They Were Twins?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in our story of Bozo Brothers today. From Jonesboro, Arkansas, comes the story of bozos Brandon and David Brown who were arrested on charges of meth possession. David was able to post bond, but his brother remained jailed with a parole hold. Happy to be out, our bozo kept things on the straight and narrow, right? Wrong. He didn’t realize that all incoming phone calls are monitored when he called his incarcirated brother to tell him tha he was going to mail him some meth, hidden under the label on an envelope. The cops intercepted the letter and both are Bozo Brothers are now in jail.

Next Time Invest in a Trailer and a Tarp

Bozo criminal for today comes from Swansboro, North Carolina where Ryan Mullins targeted a Family Care Pharmacy for a big heist. His plan was to steal the big safe, which he assumed was full of prescription drugs. Somehow, he got it out of the business, but now how to get it home? How about tie a rope around it and drag it behind the car? Sounded like a good idea to the bozo mind. The flaw in the plan was the route he took home, which ended up with him driving right past a police officer, with the safe in tow. Un-oh. He’s busted.

Well, Maybe the Shoes Were Open-Toed

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverside, California, where bozo Tiffany Walker was working at a local grocery store. She claimed she had injured her foot on the job, fracturing her toe and limiting her ability to stand at work. The injury was deemed severe enough for her to take off her job and begin drawing worker’s compensation benefits. But apparently the injury was not severe enough to keep her from chasing her dream of winning the Miss Toyota Long Beach Grand Prix Beauty Contest. She posted videos of herself on You Tube strutting in high heels and showing no evidence of her injury. Not the best plan. She’s been charged with fraud and could receive up to a year in jail if convicted.

Honestly, Officer, Just Make Him Go Away!

Bozo criminal for today from Seattle, Washington, got a little more than she bargained for when she stole a cell phone. It all started on a city bus when our unidentified bozo spotted a man napping with his cell phone on his lap. She grabbed the phone and fled along with her boyfriend, with the man in hot pursuit. He caught up with them and, after a brief scuffle, our bozo did something that would only make sense to the bozo mind. She called 911 to report that the man she had stolen a cell phone from wouldn’t leave her alone. Investigating officers found her to be in possession of the stolen phone, along with three grams of crack. She’s under arrest.

Guess Motel 6 Just Wasn’t In His Budget

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stratford, Connecticut, where bozo Nick Carlton was booked on charges of stealing a car and was released on bail. It must have been a very exhausting experience for our bozo, as he walked out of the police station and immediately began searching for a place to take a nap. The first thing he came across was an empty police car parked in front of the station house. Finding it unlocked, our bozo climbed in, stretched out and was soon fast asleep. His peaceful slumber didn’t last long, as officers noticed him and drug him back inside the station. You can add new charges of breaking and entering to his rap sheet.

Does He Get To Keep the Trophy?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elizabeth City, North Carolina, where Bradley Haynes got wind of a big donut eating contest that was being sponsored by the local police department. And since he was a big fan of the tasty treats, he decided to enter. He quickly downed eight donuts in the two minutes time frame, easily defeating everyone else, including several police officers who also took part. End of story, right? Wrong. It seems bozo Bradley was a wanted man. The cops had been trying to find him for nine months on suspicion of break-ins at two local businesses. He’s busted!